I'm starting this blog because I don't really have any friends to talk to about my experiences, and also because I want to raise awareness of what it's like being autistic. Hopefully I can talk to more people on here who are autistic as well and we can share advice.
I'm 19 now and I was diagnosed as autistic when I was 16. I always felt like I didn't really fit in when I was growing up but as I'm academically intelligent I didn't struggle too much in school. Over covid and the lockdowns I realised how much easier I found it at home on my own, and I really struggled going back to school and learning to be around people again.
The last two years of school were really hard for me and I thought about quitting so many times. I'm really glad it's over now. Maybe I can talk about that experience some more in another post. At the moment I'm not in school or work, but I'm thinking about studying for a degree remotely starting next year.
Did any of this resonate with you? I hope we can talk more because not having friends can make me feel like I'm the only person in the world who feels the way I do.
Please follow this blog and hopefully I'll make another post soon! And let me know if there's anything you'd like me to talk about.
book review: Stim: An Autistic Anthology edited by Lizzie Huxley-Jones
This anthology is a collection of essays, fiction and visual art, all by autistic writers and artists. Some are about being autistic and others are not. I think there's something for everyone in this anthology!
These were my favourites:
The Lost Mothers by Rachael Lucas is about the author's experience as an undiagnosed autistic mother, trying to follow the rules of being a parent while realising that her two older children are neurodivergent (one is autistic and one is ADHD). It's interesting because you see her struggling to follow the rules for being a parent, when in reality those rules don't fit her or her children, and then moving towards a more instinctive approach, one where her and her children's wants and needs are considered more than they were by a "typical" approach.
This Love by Nell Brown is about having non-stereotypical special interests, which in the author's case are musicians. Brown goes into specific detail about her current interest in Taylor Swift, and how there are many aspects to that fandom which are ideal for autistic people with special interests. I found this essay particularly interesting as I have also had a special interest in Taylor Swift and her music in the past, so it was interesting to read an analysis of the fandom in this way. I also think it's important that we talk about special interests that aren't the stereotypical ones: maths, trains, computers, because it allows us to see a wider range of people as autistic that may not have been diagnosed in the past because they didn't fit the stereotypes.
Becoming Less by Robert Shepherd is a story about an autistic university student. I'm not sure how to summarise this one, but it was probably my favourite. It covers topics such as selective mutism, masking, and autistic burnout.
It Has Nothing to Do with How I Look by Megan Rhiannon is a series of drawings with text, which talks about the different struggles associated with being autistic. I really liked the art style and looking closely at all the details of the drawings. I also liked that the artist talked about how the autistic spectrum is not a linear one: it is the way autistic traits will present differently and to different degrees in every autistic person.
Stripping While Autistic by Reese Piper, as the title suggests, talks about the author's experience of stripping as an autistic person. Particularly, Piper writes about how she had to learn the social scripts that came naturally to her colleagues, and how this need to mask ended up transferring into her everyday life, even around people she didn't want to mask around.
Bluebells by Helen Carmichael is about the author's love for walking, nature and the outdoors. The descriptions were so beautiful and immersive.
Have you read this book? If so, what did you think of it? Which were your favourite pieces?
book review: The Many Half-Lived Lives of Sam Sylvester by Maya MacGregor
Sam Sylvester is an autistic, non-binary 18-year-old who has just moved to Astoria, Oregon to escape a traumatic event in their past. Sam is interested in what they call “half-lived lives”, people who died before their nineteenth birthdays, and they are worried that they may have the same fate.
So when they move into the house of one of these people, Sam begins an investigation. Everyone in the town claims that the teenage boy who died in Sam’s house was killed in a tragic accident, but Sam and their new friend Shep are convinced it was murder.
I loved this book. The teenage characters were written so realistically and I really liked how Sam was able to find people who they could be themselves around. Also, Sam’s dad was one of my favourite characters! He’s such a good parent because he’s so understanding and kind.
The only thing I wasn’t so sure about with this book was the ending. It just didn’t fully satisfy me, I wanted the mystery to be wrapped up better. But overall, this was a really good book!
From this point on, I will be discussing spoilers and quotes from The Many Half-Lived Lives of Sam Sylvester. If you don’t want to see those, stop reading here!
First I wanted to share my thoughts on the autistic representation in this book.
Sometimes I feel like a balloon with a thousand inputs filling me with conversation noise, smells, clanking chairs, whispers, someone talking to me, so many things until I’m full to bursting but can’t pop, and the only way is to release that pressure with my fists. My leg’s the most usual casualty.
I really relate to the way Sam feels here: it can be hard to find healthy ways to release all the pressure that builds up inside you from just existing in the world. Their dad buys them a punching bag to help them channel these feelings in a way that doesn’t harm them, which was so thoughtful and nice!
“I’m autistic.”
“Oh.”
Shep nods towards the crosswalk, and I follow, afraid she’s going to say something dreaded like but you don’t seem autistic or you must be “high-functioning” or you should say “person with autism” or some other horrible thing that neurotypical people say to me when they find out, all of which just mean you’re really good at pretending to be “normal”, but you’ll never really be normal.
Instead, the next thing out of her mouth is “What’s it like?”
This scene made me so happy! When autistic people trust someone enough to tell them that we’re autistic, people often have reactions that make us uncomfortable. Shep is a good friend because she doesn’t want to be affected by her preconceptions of what autism is, she just wants to support her friend in the way that is best for them.
“Can I tell them you’re autistic?” he asks me, and I appreciate it.
This is something that might be difficult to understand for some people, but it really is important that (when it’s possible) autistic people are allowed to decide whether or not they want to share their diagnosis. It’s a very personal thing and there may be all sorts of reasons why someone wouldn’t want to share, so the best practice is to always ask first.
Now I’m going to write about my thoughts about the plot and the mystery element of the book.
What I found hard to understand in this book was whether or not it was supposed to have a fantasy element. Sam seems to be in communication with Billy, the boy who died in their house, but it was unclear whether this was real, or just their imagination. So I didn’t really enjoy that element of the book.
The mystery was good and I liked the reveal of the murderer being Carl, but Esme thinking she had accidentally killed Billy. But I didn’t like how the mystery of who was threatening Sam was resolved. I’m not even sure who it was that was throwing the rocks at their windows, whether that was one of the people from school or if it was Carl.
That’s all I have to say about this book! Have you read it? Did you like it? What did you like or dislike about it?
An autistic special interest can be a piece of media, a hobby, a specific subject, and basically anything you can become very interested in and want to learn everything about. A special interest is different from a hyperfixation in that it is longer-lasting.
I have three special interests currently, but there's been at least ten or twenty over the course of my life, some lasting longer than others.
My longest-lasting special interest is Lord of the Rings. I first watched the films about 5 years ago, and since then I've watched the films many, many times, as well as reading the books and other works in the Middle Earth universe. I like playing quizzes about the books and films as it allows me to test my knowledge and I feel proud that I know quite a lot.
My next special interest is The Next Step. I never get tired of watching the episodes (except for season 4, which I think most of the fandom would agree is the worst season), and I also love watching the behind-the-scenes videos and reactions on youtube.
My most recent special interest is the PWHL, especially the Toronto and Montreal teams. This is a difficult special interest to have as I live in the UK so it's difficult to watch some of the games live due to time zones - I would have to stay up until nearly 3am and I am very particular about my sleep schedule. But when I get to watch the games of my favourite teams, it's really exciting and I like to memorise the player's names and numbers.
I will probably make more posts talking about each of my interests in more detail and what I like about each one. Let me know if there's one you want me to do first!
I really love swimming, even though I usually hate exercise.
I find being in water so comforting and I feel like it's the only form of exercise that won't make your injuries worse. Like, I have an issue with my knees (don't really know what it is) which makes them hurt whenever I do squats/lunges or jumping, which causes problems when I want to exercise, but with swimming, it doesn't cause any problems at all!
Also, I like that being in the water means you don't have to deal with the sensory problem of feeling sweaty or too hot. It helps to keep your skin clean and regulate your body temperature, so I don't get overstimulated and can do much more exercise than I would in another situation.
I have no idea if this is actually related to being autistic or not. But in A Kind Of Spark season 2 Addie talks about liking swimming for similar reasons to me, so maybe it's a thing? Let me know if you're also autistic and love swimming.
Cassie is having the worst day of her life. She is dumped by her boyfriend and fired from her job. Worse, her favourite cafe has run out of her staple banana muffins. She then discovers that she has a magical power: she can time travel to the past.
The book follows Cassie as she tries to fix her life and ensure that the original disastrous day doesn't happen. But things end up going much differently than she had planned.
I found Cassandra to be a really relatable character. I've seen some reviews saying that they didn't like her constant references and infodumps about Greek mythology, but I really enjoyed these, a) because I'm also interested in Greek mythology and b) because I can relate to constantly wanting to bring up my special interests in every conversation, even when they're not particularly relevant! I was surprised that she didn't know she was autistic the whole time, and it was treated more as a reveal at the end.
My favourite thing about the book is the plot twist that's revealed towards the end. I don't want to spoil it, but if you're considering not reading/finishing the book because you think it's all about Cassie getting her ex-boyfriend back, keep reading! There is more to it than that, and it was a really interesting plot.
From this point on, I will be discussing spoilers and quotes from The Cassandra Complex. If you don't want to see those, stop reading here!
I don't think we talk enough, as a species, about how ridiculously difficult it is to make basic conversation. People act like it should be fun, but it isn't.
This is so true! I've always been so bad at conversation. I don't understand how it comes so naturally to other people. I wish there was some rulebook for how to make a conversation, but I think that even if I followed each rule to the letter, I would still feel like I was doing something wrong.
An older lady with grey hair in a neat bun is standing right next to me, also staring at the menu. And I mean right next to me. She's not touching, but she's so close her personal gravitational field feels like it's made out of hot needles.
Why do people always do this? What is wrong with them? I can't buy a cheese sandwich in Sainsbury's without a total stranger standing so close I can smell what they use as shower gel.
I also found this so relatable. I think a lot of autistic people have a different sense of personal space to allistic people, and someone standing a bit too close to us can feel so overwhelming, or (as in Cassie's experience) physically painful.
I suddenly realise: I'm not travelling through time to undo the things I've done wrong, or the decisions I've made. I am trying to undo myself.
When Cassandra came to this realisation!!! It's really interesting to think about: most times she travels back to redo something, it's because she had a bad sensory experience and got upset, or because she said something 'wrong', which are just characteristics that are a part of her. It's so sad that society makes us as autistic people feel like we're not good enough, and that we have to change somehow in order for people to like us. When in reality it's society that needs to change, to be more understanding and accepting of autistic people.
"That's OK," I say, standing up. "I don't think that was the relationship the universe was telling me to fix anyway."
I really liked this reveal! When Cassie figures out that the relationship with Will wasn't ever supposed to work out, but that she is meant to fix her relationship with her sister, Artemis. And I loved the whole healing journey that the two sisters go on together, and how they resolve the issues that had driven them apart.
My eyes suddenly fill. "You believe me?"
This moment was so good! If you're familiar with the Cassandra story from mythology, you'll know that her main thing is not being believed. So this moment was so important! And I loved that Cassie and Sal had built up a relationship in this new timeline, such that they were friends and Sal would take her side instead of Derek's.
"People think autism is some kind of error, and it's not. You're not broken or 'disordered', or whatever they say on their little bits of paper. That just means 'not exactly like me'"
I loved Artemis in this moment! She was exactly what Cassie needed at this point, to tell her that she wasn't broken, she was good enough just as she was.
"Bye," Artemis nods, taking a deep breath.
"Bye," I smile.
And I close my eyes to go back to the beginning.
I'll be honest, the one thing I didn't like about the book was this ending. I feel like Artemis and Will's relationship could have been fixed some other way. Because with this ending, everything that Cassandra has gained is undone, and she has to do it all over again. She's going to lose her new friends, Sal and Sophie, her newly mended relationship with her sister, and she'll have to do all the work towards pursuing her dream of going to university all over again. I felt like everything she'd gained over the course of the book was undone, and I didn't like it.
In general I'm just not a fan of sad or uncertain endings. I like everything to be resolved and happy at the end of the book.
But that's all just my opinions. What did you think of The Cassandra Complex?
My parents were going out for a meal with their friends and I was going to be left at home on my own between 5 and 9pm. That shouldn't be too stressful, right?
I have emetophobia, and what that means in these situations is that I can get very worried about feeling ill. It makes this cycle: I feel slightly unwell, I get anxious, the anxiety makes me feel worse, feeling worse makes me more anxious.
I don't really know how to stop the cycle. When I'm around people I trust (there's very few of those), it's usually okay because I know that they will look after me if I am unwell. But when I'm alone, I'm unable to stop the spiral. Maybe I could tell myself that I only feel ill because I'm anxious. But then, my panicky brain thinks, what if it's not just because I'm anxious? And I continue to worry.
So I get worried when I know I'm going to be home alone. Honestly, it makes me hate myself. I'm nineteen, I should be able to cope on my own! Other people my age are living alone at university. Why can't I do it?
I guess what I want to say is: if you're like me, you're not alone. You're not the only one who struggles to be independent. It's okay, and you shouldn't be angry at yourself for being this way. It's okay to take things more slowly than other people do. And it's okay if you never reach the places where other people are.
Set five years before Elle McNicoll's debut A Kind of Spark, this book follows Keedie in her mission to confront the bullies in her school. The book addresses topics such as teenage popularity, standing up for what is right, and complicated relationships between siblings.
Before this book I had already read A Kind of Spark and watched its TV show adaptation, and Keedie was my favourite character of both. So I was very excited about this book from the second I first heard about it. And it didn't disappoint! This book gave me almost everything I could have wished for.
I loved getting to meet Keedie's friends, Bonnie and Angel, who are also autistic, but have different support needs to Keedie. I would have liked to have seen more of them!
Keedie's relationships with her sisters, Nina and Addie, change throughout this book. I thought their dynamics as siblings were written very well. Nina's role in the story was particularly interesting, painting a very realistic picture of what it might be like to be fourteen years old and trying to fit in.
From this point on, I will be discussing spoilers for Keedie. If you don't want to see those, stop reading here!
Firstly, I loved this scene with Keedie and Mr Allison in the library. Keedie tells Mr Allison how she didn't like the books he'd recommended to her, which were all about the main characters having an autistic sibling, rather than autistic people getting to be the heroes themselves.
"Well, I'll be on the hunt for better. The school wants more representation in the library."
"Oh, there's some good stuff," I tell him. "Sherlock Holmes. Vincent Van Gogh. Mr Darcy. Jo and Beth March. Mr Dick from David Copperfield."
His eyes dance with surprise. "I'm impressed. And they're all autistic?"
"Sure," I say, heading for the exit. "They just don't have the paperwork."
I loved this part because it referenced some characters that I also think are autistic. Especially Beth March and Mr Darcy. I've always found them so relatable and thought they would be autistic if they were real and living in a time when they were able to express themselves and get a diagnosis. Maybe I could make another post about book characters I think are autistic. Would you find that interesting?
It crept up on us, this loss of how things used to be. People are now swept up in what other people think of them. From the choking taste of hairspray in the bathrooms to the group chats, something has shifted.
I really liked this description of the change that happens in school as you enter the teenage years. It's such a shame that it happens. Imagine how much nicer the world could be if we were all free to be ourselves, without worrying what others would think.
In the scene where Keedie speaks up for April when she is hit by the snooker ball, I liked how her differences that might be seen as a bad thing by some were useful in doing something good.
Other people have stops in their heads, like the barriers that come down to block a car from driving across train tracks. Other people keep certain words and behaviours inside, the barriers come down and they don't act. They wait.
I don't have those barriers. Never have.
When Keedie confronts her sister after Nina's friends bullied Bonnie at the Founders' Day celebration, Nina says this:
"I did nothing!" Nina shouts, suddenly animated. "As usual, I did nothing wrong!"
Which I think is such an important point about how compliance and being a bystander to bullying is actually just as bad as doing the bullying itself.
"Exactly," I say coarsely. "You did nothing."
At the same time, I do feel for Nina, because I remember what it was like to be in her situation. You feel as if you have to go along with the bullies, because if you don't, they will turn on you too. And I'm glad she saw the error of her ways and apologised to Keedie at the end.
At the birthday party, this happens once again:
I silently challenge Nina with a glare. She can make all this go away. She can check her friends. She can take them somewhere else. She can stand up to them, stand up for us, for once. She can make a difference and choose not to be a bystander to her friends and their bullying tactics.
But she says nothing.
I thought it was really accurate how in this scene, the type of bullying that Nina's friends use is one that might not seem like bullying to an outsider. Patronising tones, saying horrible things whilst smiling. It becomes worse later, but it is still the type of bullying that is difficult to report. Targets of bullying like this might not tell anyone because of how difficult it is to explain, or they might question whether to report at all, whether the problem is even real or if they're just overexaggerating it. I know this because it happened to me.
"Want to know the worst thing about being autistic? It's not the autism."
I throw the napkin down and push back my chair.
"It's people like you."
I really liked this ongoing metaphor of the North Star, as Keedie's reason to keep fighting.
If I'm a voyager of sorts, Bonnie is my North Star. I keep one eye on her at all times, no matter the state of the current, and I keep sailing towards it. She's my only North Star and that will never change.
When Keedie tries to give Angel's dad money so that Addie can go to his school, she doesn't have enough. But Angel's dad tells her:
"You be the person you needed at her age. Be her rock. Be the tree that doesn't move in the storm. You can do that, I know you can, you already are!"
I think this really influences Keedie to become the person we know in A Kind of Spark. She realises that she can't change her past, but she can change Addie's future, to make Addie's experience of growing up better than her own.
It's time to stop hunting sea monsters and start rescuing sharks. To keep gazing up at that North Star. Polaris never was just one star in the sky: it looks like a single bright light but it's made up of multiple stars.
Have you read Keedie? What did you think of it? Did you find it relatable in the same ways I did, or in different ones? Let me know in the comments!
ngl I thought the puzzle piece as an autistic symbol meant like. I am a vital puzzle piece to your society. humans would never have invented half the things they did without us. you're telling me it means I'm missing something?? buddy. listen. listen to me reeeeaal closely. no human has all the pieces to humanity. no one. no one has all the features enables no one has all the strengths weaknesses or quirks. no one has a whole puzzle. we make the freaking complete picture together. that's the freaking point.
It’s been years since I’ve felt like I had a real friend.
I think this is because I don’t know how to start conversations, or how to keep them going. Even if on the inside I’m really interested in what someone is saying, I might look away from them: because making eye contact, particularly with someone I don’t know all that well, can be difficult and cause me to lose focus. But I can understand how an allistic (not autistic) person might read this lack of eye contact as a lack of interest, or even as rudeness.
Starting a conversation with somebody is something I find almost impossible. It seems like everyone else got this guide to small talk at some point when they were growing up, and that just never happened for me. Awkward silences are a staple of any conversation I try to have. And the longer you leave a silence, the harder it is to start talking again.
Group conversations aren’t much better. Sometimes I’m happy to just sit back and listen, but it’d be nice to say something every so often. The problem I have is that I can’t think what to say, and if I ever do think of something, it’s usually too late, and the other people in the conversation have already moved on.
I think my struggles with conversations are partly due to being autistic and partly due to anxiety. I overthink the things I say and I worry about saying the wrong thing, and how people might judge me if I do. I know we have to stop worrying about what other people think of us, but it’s so difficult to unlearn something you’ve been doing for years!
If you’re allistic and have an autistic friend or acquaintance you’d like to support, this is my advice:
Don’t automatically think someone isn’t interested in what you’re saying, just because they aren’t giving you eye contact
Allow your friend time to think about how they’re going to respond and show (or tell them) that you’re interested in their thoughts
If you’re seeing that someone is being left out of a conversation, ask them what they think to bring them in. They might have something really interesting to add!
I hope this has been relatable, or you’ve learnt something. Let me know what you think!
I have the same problem... Especially with the eye contact... In my daily life the people I interact don't think I don't interested in what they told me if I don't do eye contact with them... But them knows me since a long time ago... I don't even realize when i avoid eye contact because I don't think in that... I just don't do eye contact...
But I know some allistic people see that kind of things like disrespectful or else... I don't understand why they are like this... It's not disrespectful (for me) don't do eye contact... But maybe I think like that because I am autistic, I avoid eye contact and I understand if the other person needs to avoid eye contact...
I hope you find people who don't see like disrespectful if you don't want eye contact...
It’s been years since I’ve felt like I had a real friend.
I think this is because I don’t know how to start conversations, or how to keep them going. Even if on the inside I’m really interested in what someone is saying, I might look away from them: because making eye contact, particularly with someone I don’t know all that well, can be difficult and cause me to lose focus. But I can understand how an allistic (not autistic) person might read this lack of eye contact as a lack of interest, or even as rudeness.
Starting a conversation with somebody is something I find almost impossible. It seems like everyone else got this guide to small talk at some point when they were growing up, and that just never happened for me. Awkward silences are a staple of any conversation I try to have. And the longer you leave a silence, the harder it is to start talking again.
Group conversations aren’t much better. Sometimes I’m happy to just sit back and listen, but it’d be nice to say something every so often. The problem I have is that I can’t think what to say, and if I ever do think of something, it’s usually too late, and the other people in the conversation have already moved on.
I think my struggles with conversations are partly due to being autistic and partly due to anxiety. I overthink the things I say and I worry about saying the wrong thing, and how people might judge me if I do. I know we have to stop worrying about what other people think of us, but it’s so difficult to unlearn something you’ve been doing for years!
If you’re allistic and have an autistic friend or acquaintance you’d like to support, this is my advice:
Don’t automatically think someone isn’t interested in what you’re saying, just because they aren’t giving you eye contact
Allow your friend time to think about how they’re going to respond and show (or tell them) that you’re interested in their thoughts
If you’re seeing that someone is being left out of a conversation, ask them what they think to bring them in. They might have something really interesting to add!
I hope this has been relatable, or you’ve learnt something. Let me know what you think!
