I’ve always been curious by nature, always observing my surroundings. Whether it was something, someone, somewhere, anywhere. I used to pay attention to even the smallest of details, a detail added to a specific drawing, something different on the ground, a discreet smile line in someone’s serious face, even a little speck of dust be whistled by the wind.
One of the things that I was particularly draw to when I was younger was to observe the expressions on people’s faces while on public transportation. I would see someone staring blankly into nothingness, sometimes a tired face, a tightened face, or even a depressed look in their eyes. Just people who looked unhappy in some way or another, clearly just hoping for that horrific day to come to an end.
I would always look at those people with sadness, empathy, sometimes even pity; I would look at their exhausted faces and think to myself: “What could possibly be so terrible to the point of making someone look like this?” “Wow, they must have a pretty demanding job, I want to grow up and work with what I love doing, they look miserable”. “I don’t want to grow into a person like this”.
The years passed by, I’ve graduated school, started going to college, found someone to love and cherish, people I love spending time with, hobbies, everything was working out for me.
I couldn’t stop thinking about how amazing it would be once I was done with college and started my professional life. Just the thought of doing what I love the most, with the people I cherish, and being able to fulfill my simple dream of working quietly and diligently on the area I so much adore.
The truth is, by the passage of time, I’ve stopped noticing the people on public transportation and their expressions.
After graduating, I was jobless and without the motivation to find jobs and prospect clients, I found a job at a glamorous and important place, I thought that even though it was not on the plans, I would still be able to network and get to know interesting people along the way, besides, every experience is welcome.
The job isn’t abnormally demanding or extremely hard, it’s just a matter of spending a huge amount of time a day doing the same repetitive thing, over and over and over again, thinking to myself “C’mon, keep smiling, you have to smile so people like you and give you a job in the area you want. Just. Keep. Smiling.” “Oh, did this person just yell at me? It’s okay, people told me it’s part of the job.” “This coworker that is not my supervisor wants to boss me around and there’s nothing I can do about it? That’s okay, I won’t stay here for long, so I can take it.” “I’m exhausted and- oh, a person, smile, smile, smile, be natural, be cool”.
Until, one day, I look at a reflection on the metro’s glass door. Just a sad, tightened, depressed looking face. My face. Mine. My eyes were lifeless, my dark circles were even deeper and darker than they have ever been, my eyebrows were tensed up, and my posture was completely closed. I couldn’t recognize myself anymore…I was exactly what I’ve been avoiding my whole life. I couldn’t scape despite all of my efforts to pursue happiness and professional fulfillment instead of money. I’ve failed.
I then proceeded to look at my face in the reflection, and started thinking to myself about what little me would think of this image before them? Would they be disappointed? Would they try to console me?
Would they understand? Would they…forgive me?
romaincrisis
dededos
germansingergirl
janainaart
snowghoul
yousharknotpass
