So life is a whirlwind. I have been surrounded by chaos as of late. Here is a brief synopsis of the past weekend and this week for your reading pleasure.
SO. I don’t know if I ever told you about the history of my relationship with Jonathan or not. We have been friends for 7 years now, and there have always been feelings. At one point we almost got together when he was separated from his wife but for reasons things never happened. Well they finally got divorced about a year ago at this point, and we have been hanging out a lot more lately which has been amazingly nice.
So this week in an attempt to stay away from my toxic mother I spent one night at Roxy’s and then the rest of the weekend with Jon and his family/friends/kids. Saturday night we went to his cousin Drew’s for a BBQ and Fireworks. I was hanging out with his sister in law and his mom ( they love me its great) and dana decided to call me out along with his mother, saying how they know I’ve been in love with him forever and its not as subtle as I had originally thought. They also were poking fun at the fact that he is in the same boat and cookie ( his mom) was like “ I cant wait to have you as my next daughter”. The rest of the night was everyone making fun of me ( in a cute but annoying way) while uncle scott tried to pimp me out to uncle creep which almost started a fight, but I digress.
So anyways we get back to jon’s with tommy and ben and are up a few more hours drinking a bit and talking and jamming to music and whatever until about 6 when we decide we should finally get some sleep. I head into the bed room while jon is trying to convince ben to go lay down on the damn couch and I hear him go out on the porch to look for the cat and starts slamming things around so I go outside and hes frustrated. I calm him down and get him to talk to me and he goes on and on about how much he loves me and I check every single box and he wants to give me everything I deserve but he isn’t that man right now. He is still a mess from the divorce and everything Lona put him through and I totally understand that. He is so worried that he is going to do some “dumb petty shit” and hurt me. In that moment it made me frustrated as all fucking hell but we were both drunk and at that point it was almost 7 am the sun was up and we needed sleep desperately.
I have since calmed down about things after spending the weekend with him just hanging out and relaxing for a change. But my head is all over the place. For a long time I had been resigned that nothing was ever going to happen between us but after being with him the last couple of weeks and now knowing its not just me that feels that way has my brain doing all sorts of back flips. I want to be with him more than I can describe but I cant push him. My fear is that he takes the time and gets himself right and then decides he doesn’t want me anymore. Decides that im not really what he wanted at all. Its terrifying and I don’t know what to do other than keep spending time with him and wait it out.
This week I have spent more time with him over the phone and again last night with him and the kids hanging out at the house. We had a dance party in the kitchen, built a blanket fort, and made chicken nuggets at 11pm. It made me so happy.
My anxiety and depression as of late has been a nightmare to the point that when I went home to my parents' Tuesday after work I was nauseous the entire night. But when I'm with him I don't know if I'm doing it to myself or what but I'm relaxed and calm and happy.
I dont want an extravagant life, I want a happy one. Life is full of ups and down, trials and tribulations and its not always easy even when you love someone, and I am not so delusional that life is going to miraculously be better by changing the labels on a relationship.
At the end of the day I want to be happy. At the end of the day I Love Him. I Support Him. And I will do whatever I can for my wellbeing and his. I won't let myself be swallowed in the process like I have in the past, I have grown beyond that.
Sorry for such a long rant to any who bother to read this but I needed to think it through and process a bit.
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