mysikrólik

she/her, old as balls, whimsical homosexual

[mysikrolik]

the form of abuse that I experienced that impacts my life the most is probably bullying. I've said this before but it's just like... people would probably say that rape or childhood sexual abuse are more serious, and it's not that they aren't there at the centre of my selfhood all the time, but mostly the thing that makes it hard to exist is the bullying-related trauma?

and like it was quite bad. the bullying. it was very sexual and violent and humiliating and gross. but it's hard to talk to anyone seriously about bullying because no one can see it as a big enough deal? everyone normalises or dismisses it?

It's really hard to find books or memoirs that take bullying seriously. and mostly it's Japanese books that do so it's like, culturally maybe the English speaking world ESPECIALLY is so founded on bullying they can't take it seriously? but it feels like. it's so hard for me to take it seriously, even when I can feel the evidence of how serious it is.

and I guess even if other people experienced similar kinds of bullying but are OK now or don't find it to be a big deal, it shouldn't matter, but somehow it makes it harder because I feel very alone with it, as an adult still impacted by bullying.

[mysikrolik]

"I need help reacting to something" is such a classic. Abed Nadir, you are always with me.

[mysikrolik]

the thing that DID happen yesterday, which was kind of funny, because beforehand I'd been telling myself: everyone is LOVELY, nothing will go wrong

in the coffee shop, I was sitting near the counter with my friend, and a homeless (?) woman came in and quite aggressively asked us for money, and we kind of brushed her off, and then I think she was asking the baristas for something, and they asked her to leave, and as she was leaving, she yelled and then spat on me.

it mostly went on the back of my shirt, and it was very startling. when I'm startled I don't really react much, so I sat there kind of blankly while my friend was asking if I was OK, and one of baristas came over and started moping me down with a hot cloth?

I feel like... embarrassed about this whole incident in a way that I probably don't need to be.

[mysikrolik]

I've always been confused by this formless dread I feel before any social event, particularly a group setting. I had the realisation yesterday that it's all linked to the bullying I experienced -- which seems so obvious now I can't believe I've spent years being like, "This is a mystery." It feels worse lately, I'd got a lot better around 2023, but it's become much harder in the last year or so. I'm very activated because of needing to talk about bullying in relation to the book, and probably having therapy this week made me feel worse too.

It's annoying because I actually had a lovely time at the social stuff yesterday, despite all the fear. I met my friend for coffee and we chatted, and then we went to a poetry event, and both the poets there are friends/mentors, and I got the chance to talk to them, and then I had a drink with a friend and their friend who was also lovely. And I was like. Social and fun and I think people were glad to see me? It feels so lovely to have this, to have people I can talk to, but I wish my body could learn that too.

[userarmand]

this being buzzier than anything we got in s3 in terms of romance

[reunitedinterlude]

the punchline to the editing tips saga <3

bonus:

[pikaole]

Me and mom learned new English word.

[pikaole]

Wow…This is probably the most famous my posts on my Tumblr lol. 

This is what I drew after this situation 👇

[shadowpendragon]

nice tits

[jewish-joy]

Last year, I befriended a Catholic seminarian. We've gotten to be pretty decent friends. Seeing as he was staying in town for the summer and I wasn't, I entrusted him with caring for my plant.

He did a wonderful job, but as he was returning my plant to my custody, he explained "I watered her every other day, I gave her new dirt, moved her into the sunshine, prayed the rosary-"

"What?"

He looked at me, confused. "Isn't she a plant you pray with?"

"No," I said slowly. "She's a prayer plant. That's the... colloquial name of the plant."

Upon seeing his stricken face, I realized something went wrong. Turns out, this entire time, he's been including my plant in on his prayers and leaving her near icons.

Listen, totally cool. My plant becoming Catholic is a great deal for her not dying over the summer. But now I must navigate this interfaith household. Keep me in your thoughts.

[jewish-joy]

#i love prayer plants but they're fussy so I don't keep them#can we have a picture op they're so pretty

Behold, Dorothea

(Naming my plant "Gift of God," and then giving her to a seminarian with just the explanation that it's a prayer plant? Okay, that's my bad.)

[jewish-joy]

I should also add- I ran into my rabbi and explained the situation. I then asked, earnestly, if there was a remedy. A mikveh of sorts, or a beit din, or something.

He turned to me, sighed, and said in a very deadpan tone-- "Plants don't have covenants, Joy,"

So Theodora's a free agent according to rabbinic opinion. I guess I'll permit her to be Roman Catholic.

[elodieunderglass]

It sounds far more likely that she’s simply become used to being prayed with in general. Thankfully, prayer plants are famously responsive. You could set up a video to record a timelapse to see how much she moves in the morning and evening, with exposure to recordings of different prayers from various faith traditions, to see which ones move (ha) her the most

[splashesdarling]

"Ok, miss you love you you too."

[angelicdewdrop]

[panteneprovcommercial]

[mysikrolik]

I had black sesame ice cream in Florence years ago and thought about it ever since. I finally decided to recreate it. I used this recipe, but I added two spoonfuls of miso paste to the custard to deepen the flavour.

Black Sesame Ice Cream Recipe

Easy recipe for black sesame ice cream. Inspired by our recent Japanese trip, this tastes so nutty good and healthy as low in sugar and crea

[sillystigmata]

The divorced couple of all time.

[gaysie]

remember the magicians? that was fucked up

that WAS fucked up.

[mysikrolik]

Had a whole revelation in therapy about how much of my trauma I DON'T remember, how I have no narrative around it... fascinating stuff, worth the schlep into her office. I know that stuff is missing and there's stuff I don't have access to, and none of it really ties together, but I make sense of my selfhood by inventing false narrative, because it's impossible to live otherwise.

Childhood trauma is so weird.

[mysikrolik]

I had therapy for the first time since 2023 yesterday. With my former therapist, so she knows all about me. I didn't sleep much the night before, maybe two hours, and was up with really bad nausea and shivering. It's been happening to me from time to time; I think it's anxiety. It was nice to talk to her; therapy definitely allows me to articulate things differently, in a way that I had forgotten. I know some of what I've been feeling, but it allowed me to enter those feelings more deeply or figure out more about where they were coming from. I think it's been a difficult year, and my anxiety symptoms are a lot worse, so it's useful to talk about it a bit. She's away for all of August, but I probably will start seeing her regularly.

I felt absolutely flattened afterwards, a particular and extreme form of tiredness I haven't experienced since the last time I had therapy.

For a long time, I've had regular naps during the day, in order to cope with symptoms of fatigue. But my sleep has been very very disrupted lately, and the daytime rest either doesn't feel restful, or disturbs that. So I'm trying to stay awake the whole day, and it's really hard, my body isn't used to it at all. I'm trying to rest between 2-4, but it's not the same at all.

I think resting during the day maybe regulates some of my autism too? So I have to figure that out, if I'm going to stop doing it.

[hiveswap]

Not now, kitten, m- da- m- your parental figure is in the middle of a gender crisis