I've always been confused by this formless dread I feel before any social event, particularly a group setting. I had the realisation yesterday that it's all linked to the bullying I experienced -- which seems so obvious now I can't believe I've spent years being like, "This is a mystery." It feels worse lately, I'd got a lot better around 2023, but it's become much harder in the last year or so. I'm very activated because of needing to talk about bullying in relation to the book, and probably having therapy this week made me feel worse too.
It's annoying because I actually had a lovely time at the social stuff yesterday, despite all the fear. I met my friend for coffee and we chatted, and then we went to a poetry event, and both the poets there are friends/mentors, and I got the chance to talk to them, and then I had a drink with a friend and their friend who was also lovely. And I was like. Social and fun and I think people were glad to see me? It feels so lovely to have this, to have people I can talk to, but I wish my body could learn that too.















