WHY I WRITE SMUT
I, as well as so many other smut writers on this and all other platforms, have gotten so many asks about why we write smut, and we’ve gotten criticized for it.
This is why I personally write it and I’m not claiming this is true for every other writer. In fact, it might just be me. I want to explain myself, not because I think what I’m doing is wrong, but because I want people to understand. If you don’t, you don’t. If you do, you do. There’s not much I can do about it and I won’t try.
It has to do with sexual abuse, so if that’s a trigger for you, do NOT read this.
I’ve never really addressed this on my blog, but since it’s a new beginning for me in life, I wanted to be completely honest with you guys. I’ve been here for a year and four months, and we’ve been through a lot of things together.
When I was younger, I fell in love with someone who was older than me. I didn’t see anything wrong with that. Long story short, I got talked into doing sexual things I didn’t want to do (my plan was saving myself for marriage). I trusted this person and I didn’t want to lose him and disappoint him, and he knew it. He used that against me and manipulated me using my own feelings. I wasn’t forced to do things, but I was emotionally blackmailed into doing them, which made me resent myself, my body, and sex altogether. I didn’t even masturbate because I just hated everything about sex and I didn’t even want to think about it.
I never talked about sex. I never enjoyed sex with him. In fact, I cried during sex with him a lot of times. I used to say I cried because it hurt, but I cried because my body and mind and heart weren’t in agreement over it. I loved him, but I didn’t want to do the things I was doing, and I ended up hating myself more and more each time I did it. I hated my body and I didn’t even want to look at myself.
After that relationship, it took me a long time to date someone and I chose a guy who showed no interest in sex with me. And he never asked me to do anything, which was more than okay with me. With time though, I started to feel unloved and unwanted. I felt like sex was all I was good for in my first relationship and now I wasn’t even good for that. This guy wasn’t exactly mature, so he didn’t know what he wanted from life or anything in general, and I don’t blame him. It was me and my problems. We had sex once and I broke up with him afterwards. I hated myself for it, I hated my body, and I told myself I never wanted to have sex again.
I went to uni and that’s when I really started to write and read smut. Because writing about sex made me feel good again. It made me feel like I have the power to write what I want. I could make my character enjoy sex. I could make up a man who will respect her even when she says no. I had the power over the men in the stories. I started to love writing about it, I started to enjoy it, and I loved writing stories about people being together and enjoying their time together because that’s what I never had. This is when I actually started to explore my own body and with time, I didn’t hate the idea of sex as much as I used to.
I still didn’t have sex with anyone, but I was experimenting on my own and the idea of myself having sex wasn’t that repulsive to me anymore. With time, I fell in love with someone and I started having sex with him. At this point, I still didn’t want to admit to myself that my first relationship was basically sexual abuse. I refused to believe that and I refused to think of myself as a victim. I wasn’t a victim, it couldn’t happen to me, he isn’t a rapist, that’s not how it was, we were in a relationship – those were the things I told myself. And even when I was dating a nice guy who respected me, my body didn’t want to fully cooperate. I couldn’t never orgasm with this man because my mind wasn’t in it. I felt dirty again, I felt wrong and dirty, and I never knew why because I wanted to be with him.
After that relationship, I started to take meds and I started to admit some things to myself. I opened up about some things and that’s when I realized why I hate sex in real life, but I can write a million stories about it. In real life, someone took advantage of me and used me for sex, made me feel horrible when I didn’t want it, made me feel like that’s all I’m good for. In my stories, I could write about women who were powerful, who knew what they wanted and who knew how to say no, who knew how to fight back, and who knew how to leave when the time came. I could write about the women I never was able to be like.
And now, once I’ve realized all that about myself and my sex life, I’m with someone I love. He knows about this – he’s the first person in my life I’ve told this to. He understands. And for the first time ever, I actually want sex. I think about it in real life, I want it, sometimes I even feel like I’m the one who wants it more. Because I feel safe and loved and respected. Because I know my no means no to him and he won’t force me into doing anything. Because he asks me before touching me. Because he asks me if I’m okay with everything. Because he stops in the middle of it and takes a couple of minutes just to hug me and kiss me. Because I feel like I have the power now.
And that’s the power that we should all have from the beginning, we as women, we as people. Men go through this too and this goes both ways. Don’t let anyone take that power away from you. You should have the power and it belongs to you.
If someone tells you they’ll leave you if you don’t sleep with them, LEAVE THEM. If someone tells you you’re not good for anything other than sex, LEAVE THEM. If someone tells you you’re immature because you don’t want to sleep with them, LEAVE THEM. If someone tells you you need to put up with the pain for them and that you would if you loved them, LEAVE THEM. If someone makes you feel like a piece of meat, L E A V E THEM.
You have the power over your own body, you have the right to say no, you have the right to stop whenever you want, you have the right to wait until marriage or to have sex whenever you feel like you’re ready. YOU. You’re the one with the power over your own body.
I still remember the first time I’ve read your work. You were the first writer on Tumblr I ever read and till date, I’ve regreted one second of it and I never will. God bless you for existing and I’m so proud how you’ve grown through your own life. I want you to be happy and healthy for the rest of your life. I wish you and your boyfriend a very good luck! Take care of yourself bub! 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕
Thank you for your kind words and support! ♥️
