Example Of A Blocked Asshole

1800-273-TALK(8255) text crisis hotline (US): 741741

[mysticalj]

Why don’t you like almonds

not this again

[regularlesbian]

come on

[margbarcis]

this is fucked up 

[ripleyandweeds]

something about this bird just unlocked something insane in scientists’ heads

[regularlesbian]

this is unlocking something insane in my head to be fair

[vykodlak]

Love that he also types like an old man

[parkermunson]

His name is spelled Jonathan.

His birthday is September 4.

His age was estimated at the time he was found in 1882. This species matures at around 50 years old and he was past that age, so he might be older than 189 but we will never know.

He lives on a South Atlantic island, Saint Helena (aka the place Napoleon Bonaparte lived until his death in 1815) where he’s well taken care of by the governor of the island. According to his vet, he likes listening to tennis.

The average lifespan for his species is 150, but he’s super healthy aside from cataracts in both eyes and possible loss of smell.

Jonathan has a mate, Fred, who until recently was thought to be female. Fred is male.

His species (which is a subspecies of Aldabra giant Tortoise) are on the endangered list with only about 80 recorded worldwide. However, many giant Tortoises currently hold the record for longest living land animals with a few others’ ages ranging between 175-250 years. So Jonathan still has a while to go!

Here’s Jonathan (on the left) in 1882 upon his arrival to the island:

(photo courtesy of Guinness World Records)

Jonathan has lived through both world wars, the Russian Revolution, 39 U.S. presidents, 7 British monarchs, the creation of the typewriter, the completion of the Eiffel Tower, the coronation of Queen Victoria, the release of the first postage stamp, the building of the first skyscraper, the first photograph of a person, the first lightbulb, and the first powered flight.

[heroofthreefaces]

According to Wikipedia Jonathan is still alive as of this writing 10/21/22, and as of 2022 is the oldest tortoise of recorded age ever, the previous contender having died at 189 in 1966.

[sleepy-bebby]

From the Chinese dating game show 非诚勿扰 (Fei Cheng Wu Rao), If You Are The One.

[americiumam]

(frantically checks the name and pronouns of someone i speak to regularly despite knowing them)

[marlynnofmany]

*giant wind gust outside*

Me: “Don’t say it.”

My Brain:

[soft-lovely]

me

[ruinedchildhood]

[skygenders]

gotta love roller coaster tycoon

[eva-420]

i like this video because its a relic of the Before Times, like i love the 6-second cinematography that goes into vines but sometimes we forget the value of delayed gratification

[gahdamnpunk]

[gingersofficial]

The clap fucking send me every time

[mysticalj]

🐭🐹👏🏻

[roboco-san]

highly recommend blocking ppl just because u don't like their vibe. even if they seem nice and haven't done anything wrong, but you just don't like them for reasons you can't articulate? slam that block button. your experience on this website will be improved for it. blocking isn't a moral judgment its just a way to exercise control over your space

[mysticalj]

somebody tweet this

[houseofwolvesdemo1]

i hope this email finds you in the middle of a gunfight, in the center of a restaurant

[bitchbitesdog]

[lylylylylylylylyly]

honestly being tagged in things makes me so happy because it’s like ??? u think of me? u remember me? wtf i don’t even remember me sometimes ily

[exceptionals]

me, every day: i just dont have the energy for this today

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

after my surgery the nurse was telling me how and when to mositurize my scars, and she said in these exact words, "whatever you do, do not let your nipples dry out."

And all I can think about ever since is that as a gameplay tip during a video game loading screen

[lunnefisk]

[incel-moved-deactivated20210803]

when british people are alone they’re like fuck i can finally drop this ridiculous accent

[papasmoke]

Losing my mind remembering that pic chelsea manning posted of the extremely undercover and not at all obvious fbi agent who was tailing her after her release

[papasmoke]

[verminsblood]

what kind of sixth sense do american have to recognize fbi agents that easily

[demonius-darkblade]

to paraphrase her, its always the shoes.

[pedro-martines]

americans please explain to a foreigner, he looks like some random dude to me

[imnotafeddammit]

1. They all have the same haircut, almost everybody in law enforcement and the military have the same haircut due to regulations.

2. They all wear the same shoes. Same boots, and same overpolished dress shoes.

3. They act different. Shifty eyed and always on their own.

4. They’re kinda really bad at their jobs. I’ve encountered plenty of “undercover” cops outside of bars that ask questions no regular person in their right mind would ever ask. “How are you getting home?” “Who did you come here with tonight?”

5. America is a police state on a budget. Most officers are poorly trained, fbi agents require a 4 year degree (I think), but lord knows how much training they actually get. And the dumb kids from your high school always become cops.

It’s always the dense as a brick kid, with something to prove that becomes a cop. The kid that mouth-breathed and couldn’t chew gum and walk at the same time.

[derkartoffelkonig]

Their shirts are never form fitting so they can conceal a weapon and cuffs.

Always look at the watch, it’ll be expensive but in neutral tones (uniform standards strike again).

They will always sit where they can see their target and the nearest exit.

They will have a partner who is less obvious but wil point a recording device (phone or camera) at you. Check elevated positions, it gives them the clearest view to track you and keep an eye on their partner at the same time.

[jimmyfury]

One time when i lived in phoenix, I was driving home through residential streets from Panda Express on April 20th and there was a 40something year old white man standing quite literally in the MIDDLE of the fucking road wearing a brand new straight from the store weed jersey (jersey #420 with a big pot leaf), a wornout old raiders hat, regular-fit straight leg jeans, and cop shoes. This man proceeded to try to wave me down to stop since I was driving slowly (again, residential neighborhood) and as he did so fully yelled “You buying bro? You buying? 420 bro 420 you buying?”

I almost choked laughing so hard. I couldn’t stop myself from just yelling “NO THANK YOU OFFICER” as i drove by him.

[brunhiddensmusings]

for the past 60 years law enforcement, military, and even literal espionage/intelligence based organizations have assumed that rigid conformity to dress code was more important then actually training how to go undercover, blend in, or understand what the fuck theyre doing largely because the ‘we are infallible’ mindset is too strong for them to consider they might not be doing very good

[official-lucifers-child]

shoutout to the two “undercover cops” who were at my school to monitor the student body for a week, acting like “substitute assistants” and literally all of the kids immediately recognised them as cops and everyone would address them only as “officer” which annoyed the hell out of them because “we aren’t cops” like sir you literally have your badge in your back pocket and a taser what fucking substitute assistant would have an actual police badge and a whole ass taser??

[eternal-fractal]

also, note the small drink. They’re getting it specifically to blend in, and got the smallest size to save money, as they’re using their own for it.

[catgirl-mira]

iPhones, especially with black cases that clip onto a belt holder. If it’s a government issued phone, it’s an iPhone.

[that-crazy-australian]

Crazy

[mysticalj]

you can see it in his eyes that he’s a cop