Well, I’m trying to use this app more so I guess this is going to become somewhat of my personal diary now?
(this is probably gonna be a rambling)
My cousin came over for some weeks (she doesn’t live in the same country as me), and it was really fun, but one day we were all talking there and she, her sister and my brother were in the kitchen talking and I noticed that I was the only single person there lol (my other cousin has a bf, my brother a gf and my cousin who came to visit us came with her fiancé to introduce him to the whole fam over here), which isn’t really a big deal in itself.
To be honest I’m not sure what the problem is really, because I’ve been single for most of my life and I never really felt pressured to have a boyfriend, and I mean, yeah, middle school made me feel a little pressured because everyone’s going through puberty and everyone starts getting partners all of a sudden (this was when I was in denial and told myself I was bi because I also liked women), so in this stage I started convincing myself I had crushes on girls from my grade (which were actually very pretty), but in my second year shit hit the fan.
This is when I actually have my serious crush on a guy (I discovered I “also” liked men when in 3rd grade (i was 8) I had a little kid crush on this cute guy from my classes), now, in middle school, he was kind of a popular guy, he was on the football team, he was a somewhat toned? I saw some pics of back then and I realized he’s so ugly, but anyway, he was seemed as somewhat of an attractive guy.
Blah blah blah, bullying because catholic school, pandemic happens in my last year of middle school so everything was kinda rough in that time and then I changed schools for high school, where I ended up having summer classes because I failed math and chemistry (then got somewhat scolded by teachers as I was passing really easily and could've had the whole summer break to rest if I had put effort), but basically I met this guy who I then found out was in my same classroom so we started talking and caught a crush on, when I confessed, he rejected me because he was straight, but then started giving me mixed signals and even went as far as to tell me one time he liked talking with me because he knew I would actually listen and understand, and also that he could let himself be more himself with me rather than when being with his friends who were there for parties and stuff.
And then being in uni finally really made me feel somewhat like I NEED to get in a relationship and that I have to find a partner for life before finishing my studies and something like that? To be honest it doesn't make sense and now that I've been in one that was actually somewhat serious I know that the grass isn't always greener on the other side but I've been yearning a relationship again this past holiday season, the thought of everyone celebrating with loved ones that aren't relatives felt kinda isolating because in my head I've made up this "relationship club" that everyone around me seems to be in, as most of the people in my social circles seem to be in relationships constantly and my single friends don't really seem to mind, and sometimes even enjoy the fact they're single, meanwhile I'm sitting around just wanting to have someone who I can just come to when I'm feeling down and make me feel normal for once in my life, I just feel so weird it literally aches and it feels so stupid yearning for something a lot of people just seem to take for granted.
(Maybe random stuff that could add to this problem is my dad teaching the f slur to my cousin's fiancé, as well as Byler not being even addressed in the ST finale, but I'm not sure that actually had an impact on me)
