I will not be unmosqued!
One of occasions where du’as are most likely to be accepted is immediately after the adhan. I recently made it a habit to recite along with the adhan at the mosque then make du’a after. Last night, one of the du’as I made was the strength and patience to endure whatever people at the mosque would throw at me. I repeated this three times.
We know that Allah answers du’as in one of three ways: either He gives it to you, He removes a harm that would have happened to you, or He puts you in a position to put those wishes into action (in my case, strength & patience). Little did I know it would immediately the third option.
I was really having a good evening up to about this point. I was still processing things I took away from the Seeker’s Guidance seminar Fast for Love. Before I briefly chatted with a friend sitting next to me then we prayed Isha.
After Isha I remained seated, grabbed my water to sip before grabbing my phone to recite Qur’an when the lady on the other side of me said: “You have to put on a skirt! You can’t pray like that, you and your friend. You have to cover [motioning my entire legs].” I was mildly annoyed but smiled and try to refocus on wanting to recite Qur’an until she gave me this look & a flick of her hand, like trying to say “ta3aly” (go on and do what I’ve told you kinda look). I sighed, and being respectfully assertive said there’s a difference of opinion amongst the scholars on this issue and I follow a different opinion than you. I repeated this a couple of times until they got annoyed with me and left me at that. I think she was genuinely shocked that someone would stand up to her.
The rest of the evening between the sets of Taraweeh was my coaching myself not to get up and leave, that I have every right to be there and pray, that I will not be unmosqued.
What angered me most was these women never spoke to me 99.9% of the time. Not a salaam, not a how are you, not a how’s your Ramadan going, not even learning me or my friend’s names (we were just “you and your friend” to them, or “sister.”) Nada. In 10 years as a Muslim in this community, in the 8-9 years of Taraweeh prayers at that mosque, where I saw them nearly every time I was there, nothing. Not a single peep. Not even when I wore similar outfits to the mosque that I wore last night, nothing was said to me. The 0.1% of the time was spent on last night’s “Naseeha” fail. And I witness this happening to a friend last year and she has essentially been unmosqued from that experience.
Ah the naseeha. Properly translated as “sincere concern,” not advice as popularly thought of by most. Meaning that there is a proper way to give a naseeha. An adab to it. What does “sincere concern” mean? It means showing genuine concern. And that can only happen when you get to know the person. It is not “advice” you give to someone you ignored before and will ignore after giving it. It is not an “advice” you give in the imperative form, as if bullying you into it.
Yes, perhaps wearing a skirt or a longer shirt over pants would be more proper in prayer. If someone I knew, that I highly respected, that I know have real knowledge, that I know have the very best interests for me, that does so with proper adab, encourages me to wear a skirt in prayer because of the spiritual benefits of it, I would more than likely listen to them and probably heed that naseeha. But I am NOT going to put one on just because someone who ignored me most of the time demands that I do and treats me like a child in the process. That is NOT sincerity. And I will NOT be bullied into something I am not ready for. I will NOT allow them to push me away, to screw up my Ramadan feeling that took me nearly 10 years to achieve. I will NOT allow them to unmosque me. I will NOT allow them.
Teachable moment #1: Du’a works, especially when done in times/places/occasions that makes it highly likely for it to be answered. Learn those times/places/occasions and use it wisely.
Teachable moment #2: It’s ok to be respectfully assertive.
Teachable moment #3: Naseeha = sincere concern and many things has to happen in order for it to be effective. Naseeha fails: demanding, treating them like a child, ignoring them the rest of the time. Naseeha wins: getting to truly know the person, having proper knowledge, proper adab, and have genuine interests in one’s spiritual development at heart.
Teachable moment #4: I joked with my friends, who all went through the "you have to wear a skirt," naseeha fail that I was somehow immune to that. That I'm like the invisible black sheep in the herd. I think God waited until I was better able to handle this situation before putting me through it. Before this year, who knows how I would've reacted. Maybe I'd stop going all together.
