the blank page at the end of the book

thoughts thoughts thoughts

[narcolepticphrenia]

Mon chou, did you know?

I still have not told a single soul the truth about us. Because I do not want people to judge and hate you for my wrong decisions. Even if that decision is you.

[ink-and-oceans]

“I slip out of your embrace careful not to wake you and I know the sudden chill in the air is the same sensation that I’ll feel in my heart for the lonely months to come. Remember how we promised that it would be no-strings-attached. And now I can feel a million strings pulling at my heart as I try to leave. I swore I wouldn’t look back, but I can’t resist one more glance to memorize how you look asleep under moonlight before the door shuts with a soft click, cutting all the strings that connect us at once.”

— tara love / it must have cut a bit of my heart off too

[ink-and-oceans]

“How far will I go to keep you? I guess I can’t reach a line I keep redrawing.”

— tara love / it’s toxic, but i tell myself that i need it

[anastasiasyah]

“If you want to be loved as a whole, stop giving them pieces of you every time they ask you to.”

— 12/21/22, anastasiasyah

[gacougnol]

Jaume Llorens

[narcolepticphrenia]

Like everything in life, we have now come to our close

Albeit, this was sooner than expected, I know this was inevitable. And everything that I have been doing so far was only delaying the inevitable.

I know this would eventually come, I've prepared myself for this almost every day. I have expected the other shoe to drop any day.

But all those preparation still did not lessen the pain. The hurt. The betrayal I have no right of feeling.

Every ping is like a knife through the heart. I wanted to carve your name on my skin to show everyone that I can hurt myself more than you did.

[anastasiasyah]

“I used to say your name out loud in my prayers, but now, I utter it softly in my curses.”

— 04/09/21, anastasiasyah

[anastasiasyah]

“Look at you, romanticizing terrible things to endure the pain as they’re devouring your flesh.”

— “Are we romanticizing the same monster?” by anastasiasyah

[anastasiasyah]

“Ponds aren’t the ocean, but they’re waters all the same. Embers aren’t flames, but they’re still parts of the fire. Don’t think of yourself as a speck of dust because you are a significant part of the universe.”

— “Significance”, anastasiasyah

[anastasiasyah]

“You said we all bleed the same, but the truth is, we do not bleed the same wound.”

— 08/21/22, anastasiasyah

[narcolepticphrenia]

I finally had the courage to admit it. Admit the one thing I lie to even myself.

I like you. More than like I think.

Everyone else but you sees this. And I’ll make sure that you’ll never see this.

In your eyes, I’ll always and forever will be a friend. Maybe that’s why you’re so comfortable with me.

I wanna hate you and blame you for making me fall for you. But I know I shouldn’t. I’m so starved for love and affection that I misunderstood that comfort.

I got used to you that I forgot to guard my heart.

And now she will have you. All of you.

I will cry and move on from something that I created all on my own.

I don’t know how to go from here. But I will try.

I will never avoid you, but everything will never be the same for me.

I will take you in any way that I can get you. I’ll take the crumbs you’ll have to offer, because I have lived my life having less.

All the touches, the smiles, the banters, will now be a little too painful. But that’s okay. I live for pain, I strive in it. Maybe that’s the reason I let myself fall for you in the first place.

I just hope time will lessen the pain, until I’m able to smile genuinely again.

[meatluvrr]

“i have loved you. i have had to deal with that.”

[narcolepticphrenia]

The pain of losing you right in your own house is beyond words.

The feeling when you introduced me to her was pure unadulterated torture.

A blackhole replaced all the butterflies in my stomach, and it ripped them to pieces with every words you speak to her.

It was a wonder how I managed a smile and a nod. How I was able to speak despite the deafening thunder in my ears from the hurricane inside my heart. My heart heavy, hands trembling as I pretended that I didn’t care

But despite it all, no tears were shed that day. I guess, I was half expecting this. The pain I carry everyday knows it will all come to this. Like always. Alone, broken, discarded, taken for granted.

The skies cried for me that night. The thunder roared its anger towards you. It conveyed the hatred I can never show you.

It mourns of the things I’m loosing;

No more soft words

No more cuddles

No more reassurance

No more soft smiles

and all the warmth

And I lie there, shivering from the coldness of the air condition, wishing the chill reaches my heart and freezes it forever.

[narcolepticphrenia]

[narcolepticphrenia]

[narcolepticphrenia]

Sometimes, we are blinded by our love for people. So blinded, that we allow them their justification and reason; only realizing too late that by not pushing - we’ve helped them become a little less human.