The Rise and Fall of Steve Uchiha
I do not remember the exact year, but it wasn’t as many years ago as one would think. I used to be in this Naruto RP forum (because Naruto RP was and probably still is freakin’ fun) that was one of those rare places that, while not exactly ideal, was still pretty damn good. Sure, the mods had some stinking ego that passed over to the IC end of things, lamentably, but they were tame and could have been leagues worse.
I was a Jounin in charge of a team of three Chuunin, and this forum had a system of subforums that was used to go on “adventures” with your team. It was pretty fun! The Jounin would basically come up with a plot for the mission and the Chuunin had to work their way through the mission, and it allowed for character development, hardships, fire-forged friendships or rivalries, perhaps even conflict (yum!), etc. It was considered extremely rude to post in an Adventure thread, as you were basically hijacking the thread. Long story short, I was going on the planned adventure with my three disciples (and I must mention that the three of them are very good writers) when, out of quite literally nowhere, he appears.
A post by a username we don’t know updates our thread, so we go check it and all we see is one line of crudely written text saying:
“where is my brother sasuke tell me and i wont kill you”
The username was steveuchiha. I was laughing already because it was quite clear that this person had no idea what he was doing, but I actually had to call the NASA base in Houston after checking his character page because my sides reached orbit instantly. thIS KID HAD THE CRUDEST CHARACTER PAGE, IT BASICALLY READ LIKE:
Name: steve uchiha
Clan: uchiha
Age: 13
Abilities: kamehameha rasengan chidori
That’s it, that was it. That was tHE WHOLE THING, JUST POSTED WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD AND WE JUST HAD TO LIKE IT.
So I can’t stop laughing like a freaking hyena when one of the Chuunin, irked OOC and infuriated IC (since his character was temperamental), tells him both OOC and IC to piss off.
Those were his famous last words because Steve Uchiha had other plans. In a tad-too-fast response, Steve writes a fULL FREAKING PARAGRAPH OF CRUDE BEATDOWNS, SOMETHING LIKE:
“i grab u and punch u in the face then i throw u into the air and i jump after you and kick u in the tummy then i put you in a special hold and slam u against a tree and then i charge up a rasengan and hit u with it in the face where is my brother sasuke”
AND SEE, BY THIS POINT, I JUST COULDN’T HOLD MY LAUGHTER ANYMORE BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE AS DEVOID OF FUCKS BECOME SOME SORT OF STOIC, MONOTONE WHIRLWIND OF VIOLENCE. BUT THE BEST PART IS THAT HE KEPT POSTING LIKE THAT. HE MADE AROUND SEVEN POSTS LIKE THAT, ONE AFTER THE OTHER, WITHOUT ANY REPLY FROM US IN THE MIDDLE. HE LITERALLY JUST MADE SEVEN OR EIGHT POSTS POORLY DETAILING THESE INSANE COMBO WOMBOS AND THEY ALL ENDED WITH THE LEGENDARY LINE: where is my brother sasuke
SO WE ARE ALL LAUGHING OUR TOOSHIES OFF AT THE SHEER AUDACITY AND THE MENTAL IMAGES WHEN AN ADMIN STEPS IN AND MAKES THE TYPICAL PROFESSIONAL WARNING LIKE
“User steveuchiha, this is your first warning: Your character page is insufficient, your character is not approved and you just interrupted an Adventure thread, something that is heavily against the rules. Delete your posts and fix your page or we will delete the posts for you and count it against your tally.”
This, my friends, is where any tale would have ended. It’s where a user would have thought “hey, maybe I should have read the etiquette guidelines”, this is where our homo sapiens sapiens kicks in and we stop fucking up.
But this is not any tale, this is the tale of Steve Uchiha, and he was having none of this bullshit.
So what does Steve Uchiha do?
Why, open a can of whoopass on the admin, of course.
I sWEAR IT WAS INHUMAN HOW STEVE KEPT MAKING THESE RABIDLY MONOTONE POSTS, ONE AFTER THE OTHER, POORLY WRITTEN DESCRIPTIONS IN FIRST PERSON THAT WENT AGAINST ANYTHING LOGIC OR ETIQUETTE WOULD WARN YOU AGAINST. ACCORDING TO CHARLES DARWIN, STEVE UCHIHA SHOULDN’T EXIST. HE MUST HAVE MADE ANOTHER 13 POSTS AFTER THE ADMIN, DETAILING HOW HE SHOT HIM WITH A KAMEHAMEHA AND THEN DID THE LION’S BARRAGE ON HIM AND PUT HIM IN LEE’S LOTUS PILEDRIVER, EACH AND EVERY SINGLE POST CONCLUDED WITH THE SAME KEYWORDS:
“where is my brother sasuke”
The admin gave Steve Uchiha a 2nd warning.
It was met with yet another whirlwind of combos.
This is as far as I am willing to tell you. The rest of the story is better left unheard. The ending is exactly what you all predict, but I think we can all be happier thinking that, even to this day, Steve Uchiha keeps pummeling random people, ever searching for the truth, never giving up on his brother Sasuke.
Here’s one for you, Steve Uchiha. May you find your brother Sasuke.
The best part? There was no Sasuke. This was an AU Naruto setting.
