I journal

Here are my entries, drawings and all the bullshit I purge into my journals. I'm sure no one really cares to see but I don't really care // 25 female USA // VIRGO ♍️

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[nashjournals]

Left page: don't message first! (Daily checklist to remind myself not to message a guy first)

Right page: let him come to you. Be patient. Have patience. Clear your mind me often. Text messages are buy the end all be all. Give him space. Don't expect anything. Don't expect things. Don't expect stuff.

I have no clue what we're doing or where we're going. The outcome is foggy unclear when it's usually clear as day & I just avoid the feeling that festers inside. He can put me in a daze. He can clear my mind completely. I wonder the many things I do for him, beyond...

...(Beyond) the obvious.

I'm taking my time in asking questions or opening talking too much too soon. Not that I'm hiding a single thing. I'm an open book. --he is too. I'm just taking my time. --& he's taking his.

Slow & steady wins the race.

The race/end goal here is to learn to love. To explore. Bonded. Not stuck. Never that.

[nashjournals]

Does his body crave mine as much as mine craves his when we can't touch/hold one another? How can I expect him to when he is grieving...

Loss of a committed relationship is a difficult loss. You basically have to act as though that person is no longer physically there. The best you can do for yourself is cut all ties. It is a death. It's proper to mourne. I don't expect anything from him he just surprises me daily. Sometimes I feel bad for springing into his life when I did... But ultimately I can't. He was out there. He responded.

He made his choices too. He knew how fragile he was. But also probably never expected me to be so understanding and tender. He deserves it. I don't know him well but I feel something special...

A different kind of connection than I've ever felt before. That's how life long friendships happen. *or so I thought* most of the time though someone expects too much or there's some level of unsolved issues that fester, no matter how much people try to communicate.

I am happy =)

[bratty-stonerbabe]

*:･ﾟ✧REBLOG IF IT’S OKAY FOR ANYONE (follower or not) TO ASK YOU ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING✧･ﾟ:*

[nashjournals]

(highlighted a month after parting ways with him/reflecting) I thank the universe for thrusting this connection into my life but why does the timing always seem a little off?

   Even though this connection is “scary” and there’s I don’t feel any doubt. Because, I’m not trying to expect much or force anything.   Letting emotion drive me positively instead of letting any emotion devour me. I think it’s important that we decided not to give in too much to impulse. A good friend is always telling me to find a guy who doesn’t *have* to have sex with you.    I love the intimacy we have.    The bond we are developing.  If nothing else, he’s what I’ve needed to help me figure out what I need. I always go all in. Balls deep. it’s time to take things slow BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH 4 =P it speaks volumes that he’s actively trying to respect me. Especially in such a fragile/vulnerable state. Especially with how he said he’s been in the past.    It blows my mind that just a few months ago... I was thinking that I‘d stop I stopped hoping for a lasting connection with anyone.  I feel so much growth already =) (...to be continued...)

[nashjournals]

when all it took was some resin, roaches and music to inspire doodles like this... those were the days...

[nashjournals]

I resonate with this This resonates with me...    “Before I wanted to say: ‘I found love!’ But now, I want to say: ‘I found a person. And he belongs to me & I belong to him.” - C. Joybell C.

^not to belong as property. to be a member of/affiliated with -- that kind of way. I AM MISSING HIM WITH MY WHOLE BODY MY WHOLE BODY --17 November 2018--    My birth control gives me emotional PMS. You’d think I’d be used to the symptoms but no. That was causing a lot of my negative emotions & spiraling thoughts.  --THURSDAY // “THANKSGIVING” // 22 NOV 2018--    I’ve asked the universe for something like this for quite some time. -- being able to communicate is very important.    He is so cozy.    *It’s a comfort, but not comfortable. He challenges me in the proper ways. It seems thus far    He sees me   Are we perfect for one another? *I think that question is bogus. No one is perfect. How can any match be? (’perfect’)    we’re very different people, yet we relate in a way I don’t know if either of us understand... (--->neeeext paaaage)

[nashjournals]

I like to draw a lot of faces. Old molskine journal... probably 2014

[nashjournals]

random art from a random moleskine notebook stoned, probably year 2013-2015

[nashjournals]

random journal entry about a boy click below for more

   I hope I truly interest him. I hope he sees me and truly appreciates my presence.     I hope he knows I see him.    He is absolutely adorable. (sidenote: his face disgusts me now. how can someone be so lame?)    He surprises me. (In awe)  “Where has be been all my life” Seriously. (sidenote: They all seem to come straight from hell)    Has the universe heard my cries? I’ve literally begged the universe for this (kind of connection) & I’d hate to blow it. (But seems like he really gets me...) (sidenote: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR)    Please don’t let me overwhelm him & push him away. (too late!) I need to fix mend myself. (again)    Finally. I’ve been trying but it’s time to do (click for next page)

[nashjournals]

click “keep reading” for the text version of my writings It’s hard. Hard to hold back. Especially then--when he appreciates me the physically the way I deserve...

  We’ve had such intimate moments. 

I love him so much as a person but I’m afraid to tell him. (I’ll get there)

I’ve known him since I think NOV 11th & it’s the 15th and he already knows & can tell me he loves me (as a person) (sidenote: disconnected) -- he said it randomly & he thought maybe I took it wrong ...but I almost totally understand him. (<crossed out later)

  Which is weird.

*nope you don’t*

crossed out: I admire the people who can admit their love for people...*not like that!* The trait that stops me from being like that. *I hope I don’t scare him off. (I did. Not my fault) *I hope he’s my friend for a long while. (He’s not) *I hope this is better than anything I’ve experienced. (Nope it’s not)    everything below is crossed out: it already is but hope it lasts I hope the good lasts longer than anything else.    I wish I could allow myself to be more affectionate with him. Be the one to initiate. I’ll get there. I hope he allows me to be around long enough.     He helps me so much. He makes me feel admired. Loved. Passionately. (...cont next page)

[nashjournals]

Journal entry started in the back of the book. About a boy. Reverse, page 001 // November 2018 (click “keep reading” for text version of these written pages) xoxo ...if you can relate or enjoy my writings please follow & like c:

I don’t think he understands why I’m around.   I don’t think I do.      (He called to me ... everything about his profile. I can’t remember--->wishing hoping so much that someone would write me back)   The universe told screamed @ me to do this ... that’s all I can say. He’s a man of many faces. His emotion is written all over his face. I identify with that. I appreciate that.   While it may be stupid of me to get close to him now. I fear being a rebound or a placeholder. But also just want to be in is life//so whatever happens, happens. Anything is possible. I’m not hoping with for forever with him. I never really expect that.  He wouldn’t have opened up the way he did if he didn’t feel some type of way about me.  I fear that my ability to throw myself be available for someone ultimately leaves nothing for the future little to the imagination.   Like, when I’m into someone they can basically have my mind, body, & soul. I put too much into people sometimes. It’s a whirlwind. But this seems less... forced. I rarely have a negative thought around him. Most all parts of me wishes I would have waited to let him have me. ----> (...cont. next page)

[nashjournals]

Journal entry started in the back of the book. About a boy. Reverse, page 001 // November 2018 (click “keep reading” for text version of these written pages) xoxo ...if you can relate or enjoy my writings please follow & like c:

   Everyone teaches me things... But he is teaching me a lot. (I hope I teach him things) I'm often worried I'm more attached. He seems to be the most genuine person I've ever been with & that "scares" me... It shouldn't. (sidenote: YES IT SHOULD HAVE! I feel like his “confidence maybe came from a detached place.)    I strive to be in the (emotional/mental) place he seems to be in. (--even tho he’s in transition currently) It takes time. (sidenote: And often a huge transition. I’ve not been thru very big transitions - just a lot of transitions.) I hope he sees my strength & willpower. (I hope he sees that I see him) (sidenote: he didn’t! they always underestimate me)    -> I don’t need his (lack of a better word)    -reassurance    ->validation I just need to know that I can have something that is tender on their end. (which he is extremely tender) (sidenote: remember; he’s helped me not to settle... to show me my people who speak my love language are out there... he just didn’t think I was)    Other people have shown real emotion with fake love or just said what I wanted to hear to keep me around  (...cont. next page)