Comfort Objects @nataliescomfortobjects - Tumblr Blog

I've been laying down the lines again

life's so fuckin cruel, why you'd ever want anything but to shower and be showered in kindness eludes me

I'm flying back from my best friend's funeral, it is my birthday, The woman behind me on the plane has two small children who were. not. having. it. their first flight and the hardest thing they'd ever done. They're screaming and sobbing.

Me in the row ahead of them, i'm also in the process of the hardest thing i've ever done, I'm also sobbing.

Nobody expresses discontent with this mother. She's clearly unraveling. A woman 2 rows up from us asks if she can help, the mother accepts and the lady goes back to sit with her, giving each toddler a lap.

I'm quietly teary most of the flight, I'm not in much of a position to do anything but be patient but as the flight comes in to land we all start chatting, I share the thing about "yeah this flight is probably the hardest thing those kiddos have ever done no wonder" which was something my partner taught me about childcare and why children cry.

We share our stories with each-other, Mom's home is where we came from but she lives where we're going, the kind woman and I talk and I talk about my friend and my birthday and my hometown and my music, the kind lady shares experiences she had visiting my hometown for vacation.

We get off the plane and are all headed the same direction so I help Mom get the stroller set up and kiddos into it, I'm very good at way-finding so I lead the way to the baggage claim, despite not needing to pick up any luggage myself.

We're all unraveling and we all need it. Something about the kindness of strangers is so disarming. We learn to be scared of the unknown, as much as strangers are capable of endless kindness, strangers can also show you endless cruelty.

It takes strength to engage with that vulnerability and to further strength to choose kindness over cruelty.

Kindness is not selfless either, it's the fabric that binds my soul to yours, when we both give in good faith we only have to gain

life's so fuckin cruel, why you'd ever want anything but to shower and be showered in kindness eludes me

Out at the end of the line (to lay a friend to rest)

#crisis objects #beton brut #mourning

Sometimes progress feels like you aren't moving, you're doing the work but you're stuck in place

but then suddenly one day you notice you're somewhere completely different and that happened somehow, it happened because you did the work

is life really about meeting your goals or is it just about filling up the days?

#comfort objects #processing

I've learned recently through much pain and introspection that self-love doesn't have to involve denying or metering that love out to others.

I was always taught to consider others before myself, to be selfless and giving. That there is a finite amount of love within me, that I must budget it, and to direct it inward is a narcissistic and selfish waste. I was taught that god's plan for me was to flay myself at the feet of the less fortunate.

I now feel that this methodology is more toxic, shameful and counterproductive than anything else.

I want to focus on myself and become a model of healing for others who struggle. I want to love myself through my care for others. I want to care for others because I am able to take care for myself.

I want to shower myself in so much love that it spills over into the cup of everyone around me.

#cptsd #unlearning #christian shame #comfort objects #exvangelical