It’s about accountability, right?
Everyone in poly is always preaching “own your shit,” which, to me, means taking responsibility for your decisions and actions.
The thing about hierarchy is that providing an arbitrary — and therefore irrelevant — rationale for your decision(s) is doing exactly the opposite of taking responsibility.
Accountability is about using good judgement. And using good judgement requires thinking and careful consideration of relevant facts.
Saying “I’m choosing to prioritize myself / him / her / they over X because they are my primary” is as valid as saying “I’m doing X because the sky is blue.”
This is ABSolutely disempowering. Giving more weight to irrelevant, arbitrary facts, than to actually relevant information completely nullifies and invalidates the rest of the relevant information at hand.
“Because I’m primary to myself” is another way of saying “your needs are less relevant, worthy and valuable than mine.”
Likewise with a primary partner, “because they are my primary” is like saying “this person’s most arbitrary, irrelevant feature — yes I said arbitrary! — is more important than anything you need, feel or are.”
Substitute the REASON you might “describe” (not prescribe) someone as primary into the above sentence and then you’re saying what you really mean:
“I’m doing X because we have a child together and tonight my responsibilities as a co-parent trump your desire to see the new minions movie in 3D.”
That’s judgement. That’s accountability.
So is “I’m staying home tonight because I’ve had a really awful day and I barely have enough energy leftover to eat and get to bed.”
Fucking excellent! That’s an argument. It’s relevant and valid.
But using random, irrelevant facts to justify your actions is like saying “Amanda’s eyes are brown, so I have to cancel our anniversary plans tomorrow night.”
Case-by-case and in the moment are absolutely key, @polythought — I agree 💯%
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