"HELL IS EMPTY, AND ALL THE DEVILS ARE HERE."

A nonbinary (they/them) pal who likes girls uses writing publicly to the world as a form of venting and hopes it helps them in someway. 

[negativvent]

To 💙.

You know who you are. The blue heart should give it away.

I would like to formally apologize for all the fucked up and stupid things I ended up doing last year. 

Attention seeking, freaking out 24/7, overreacting.

I realize now how fucked up and shitty I was. Still am actually, but I’m getting better.

You know the reason why I was an attention seeking bitch, and I’ve always overreacted, but, the freaking out was new. It was something new that I had never really experienced and, to this day I still don’t know what triggered it. Being “left out?” The group itself? Still don’t know.

I was pitiful for the stupid things I said to you before we never spoke again. I’m sorry that I acted like such a fucking child, really.

I still think about you, constantly. It’s like you’re stuck in my head and I can’t get you fucking out. I mean, I still check your Instagram occasionally on my other account. 

However, I hope we never meet again, I don’t want you around. At all. I do have a girlfriend now actually, she’s beautiful and amazing and I actually know her in real life. 

I still have philophobia though. Minor but, it’s still stuck in my head, like I’m gonna fuck everything up. And I blame you completely.

I know you’re never gonna see this, but in the slim chance that you do, this is for you.

Love,  💞.

[negativvent]

Note To Self: You Need To Understand This.

Something that, for years, I haven’t quite been able to put my mind around is the fact that people have their own group of friends outside of their main group chat. Or, at least, that was my mindset for when I joined an especially bad group chat, which I will call the Musical Cult, that ended up giving me trauma and triggers that cause panic attacks. Before, I was in another gc that sadly went inactive, and I never had that mindset. I guess the Musical Cult just scarred me. Mainly because of me meeting my ex in there. Ever since then, I haven’t been able to join any group chats without fucking up in there eventually, leaving the chat entirely because I felt like I was being left out and other shit. Maybe I was being left out, part of me believes I was, the other part of me believes I was overreacting. (Another note to self: STOP. FUCKING. OVERREACTING. TO. EVERY. LITTLE. THING!) In all honesty, I just cannot understand that people will have friends outside of me, their own little groups that don’t involve me. I can’t understand that the world doesn’t revolve around me. I mean, I do understand it completely, and normally I’m okay about it, but when I start to overreact and in spur of the moments, it just seems like it is. And I think me overreacting began the mindset of the world revolving around me. I don’t really know when the overreacting started, sometime at the beginning of the Musical Cult I think. But it’s ruined me completely, including ruining possible friendships and relationships. I fucking hate it, and I just really don’t know what to do about the overreacting. How do I stop it? How do I stop it from literally tearing me and killing me from the inside out?

Sorry if this seems sort of strange and doesn’t make sense at all, it’s 3:08 AM and it’s bad feelings time I guess. 

[negativvent]

Bluntness, And Why I Love It.

I absolutely despise it when people sugarcoat things to me, make me think that I can’t handle it. I also despise it when people don’t tell the truth about me, that they don’t tell me that I’m making them uncomfortable or something along the lines of that. I fucking hate it so unbelievably much, it sometimes hurts. Which is why I find myself attracted towards people who are blunt. Platonically, romantically, or just straight-up admiration, I always find myself liking blunt people way more than any others. My best friend, who I’ll call Temasis, is pretty blunt. He’ll tell me if I’m annoying him, making him uncomfortable, if I said something offensive, if I’m overreacting to something. And I like him a ton for that, I think it’s why he’s the longest online friend I’ve had ever. Cristina Yang and Erica Hahn from Grey’s Anatomy are my two favorite characters from Grey’s, due to them being blunt. Eve Polastri and Irina from Killing Eve are my favorites too, since they aren’t afraid to call people out on their bullshit, including trained assassins who can kill them at any time. Cough, Dasha and Villanelle, cough. I don’t know, this is really just a rant about me loving bluntness. I wish I could be blunt myself, and it is one of my goals in life for future me, but I’ve been having a sorta hard time with it, due to me being extremely empathetic and sympathetic. Ah, the dream, to be an asshole. Love it.

[negativvent]

Would You Rather Love or Be Loved?

Personally, I would rather love. I have a hard time falling in love, and luckily, or not luckily, depends on how you see it, I have philophobia due to an ex that I’d rather not get into the story of. It’s pretty minor, but, it has caused me to completely ruin relationships by ghosting the other person and distancing myself away from them, all because I’m afraid I’ll hurt them in the end, so. Yikes, ya know? I would rather love, though. Love is an incredible feeling that I don’t think I’ve truly felt yet. Romantically, of course. I’ve fallen in love with so many things before, like the medical field and theater and Killing Eve. However, I don’t think I exactly met my.. true limit, romantic wise. I have found myself crushing on someone however. A cute girl that shows up before my voice lessons. We’ve talked once, last week actually, despite the both of us having seen each other every Thursday for a year now. Hopefully this Thursday I could catch her number or something. Part of me oddly has some confidence in this, and my philophobia hasn’t acted on me yet, (This is a good sign of my ex finally getting out of my fucking head, which is good) so I’m hoping I can finally reach that romantic love limit like I’ve been wanting to for my whole life. Gotta love being a hopeless romantic but not actually have truly been in love before. Honestly? Even if she doesn’t reciprocate my feelings in the end, then that’s okay. I loved her, and I’ll move on. I’d rather love someone to my fullest and move on, then be loved by someone who I don’t love, and have to break their heart and possibly their whole entire self, like I’ve done countless of times before. 

Yay.

[negativvent]

Hello again.

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve been on tumblr, so my apologies for that, mystery reader. Then again, this account is mainly used so that I can rant and/or vent, so if I don’t feel like writing something here then so be it. Currently, however, I do feel like writing. A lot has happened since I last posted, a surprisingly big amount actually. I won’t get into details, but long story short: I do not have any friends anymore. I left the group chat that I was in due to unresolved trauma and now I don’t exactly have anyone left. Sad, Alex all alone. The Night Monster has sadly gotten stronger, and now it’s eating me from the inside out. The pain comes in waves, often when I’m most vulnerable and most happy. Ironic. I don’t exactly know how to get rid of it this time. Writing is helping, but it’s not helping as much as it did. My guess is to make more friends, but my shy and ignorant self can’t do that that well. Oh well. I’ve been spending most of my time reading Killing Eve and Grey’s Anatomy fanfics, mainly because Sandra Oh is involved in both of the shows and my gay ass absolutely loves her. So that has been keeping me occupied for the time being. It’s.. boring and lonely, but I don’t have much to do.

If you find yourself interested in me, dear mystery reader, I have a Discord. So if you would like to know more about me, then please, send me a friend request and we can chat. Just say you’re from negativvent, and please, don’t be shy, because I am not going to DM you first, sorry. Occam’s Razor.#9094 (If that doesn’t work try negativve#9094)

[negativvent]

Dreams.

The only dream I really have is to make a positive impact on the world, or at least on a good majority of people. I want to be an inspiration, the person you look up to when you have nobody. I want to save people from ending their lives, or doing bad decisions. That’s what I want to be. It’s.. a long shot, I know. Yet, I know I can do it. I’m writing this, so in the future, I can look back on this and remember. Hopefully.

[negativvent]

We Are All Actually Made Of Different People And Things.

Physically? No. Maybe for some. Mentally? Yes. Definitely. Each piece of fictional writing we have read, every single song we’ve had on repeat, every person we have talked to. They have all made a difference on our personalities, on the ways we think and do things. It just.. amazes me on how, really, we’re all different, but made up of similar things. If you understand what I mean. I wonder how different we could’ve been if we didn’t watch a childhood show. What if I watched Fanboy And Chum Chum instead of Spongebob Squarepants? I wonder if I would have still gotten along with my best friend if he never ended up knowing Be More Chill. I also wonder how the things that I have consumed ended up changing me forever. What changes were made when I met my ex-boyfriend, and what changes were made when I broke up with him? What changes have I been done now that I am completely obsessed with Killing Eve? If I never got into Ib, would my favorite color not be yellow? Stupid things like that always end up catching my interest. I really am a stupid gremlin, aren’t I? Maybe it’s because of someone random I met and don’t remember anymore in Kindergarten. Who knows?

[negativvent]

This Acquaintance Of Mine Makes Me Angry Beyond Belief.

I didn’t know I’d be making another post this soon, especially one of me just blatantly ranting about something that makes me oh-so incredibly upset. So, let me begin. I have an acquaintance that makes me want to physically tear out my hair. Oh, and I like my hair. So, I will call him Mack. Now, before you go and say: “Why don’t you just stop talking to Mack?” Well, you see, I am unable to, as he is part of a group chat that I am in and he is literally everywhere in it. If I leave, then I leave some of my most valuable friends, and I do not want that to happen again. Allow me to talk more about why I dislike him. He constantly vents and is all around a very sad person to be around. He reminds me of past me, so I often try to help him because I heavily dislike past me, and hope he can change. Here’s the kicker, however: he is not ACAB and is absolutely ignorant on what is going on in the world because his dad is one of those nasty pigs himself. In the group chat, I have constantly expressed my views on how anti-cop I am. I have tried informing him on how his views are wrong. Yet, here he is, in the vent channel for the 47th time today, talking about how he’s afraid of his dad’s life. AFRAID OF HIS DAD’S LIFE. That is just bonkers and absolutely wild to me. Those cop-pigs have the upper-hand here. He’s afraid of his silly father’s life, and doesn’t mind the fact that his father is a murderer and killer of thousands of black men and women and allies himself. I understand being afraid of losing a fatherly figure. Well, not that much, considering my own fatherly figure is incredibly mentally and emotionally abusive, but I have a lot of empathy to give out, so yes, I do understand in someway. However, Mack has not said anything about his father being a good cop, and has vented about his father in a not-so-good way, which gives me no choice but to believe he is a nasty pig. The cops, like I said, have an upper-hand here, and if he does die, Hell will break loose for the ones that praise the nasty pigs. Mack is also pretty much like that one toxic ex that you had, who says they will commit suicide if you don’t do something or don’t give them all the selfish attention they want. You can further see how much I dislike him. I am exaggerating him only a smidge, just a tiny bit, only because this is a VENT POST and I can do whatever I so choose. That’s the end of this, I just have a general dislike towards him, really.

[negativvent]

First Post. Let’s See How It Goes.

Often times, I find myself to be sick. Mentally sick, unstable for normal life. I cannot force myself to leave the comfortable cloud that us mortals call a bed, and into the sticky trash pile and garbage dump that is life. I end up rotting in that bed like a poor, dead deer, shot in the head by a hunter, who has not yet been ravaged by the vultures and fungi. Soon that bed becomes a Venus Fly Trap, and I’m stuck in there, melting from the 117 degree heat, just laying in that plant and rotting in my own disgusting scent. I find myself realizing a while later that that situation and sensation is called “Depression.” I prefer to call it The Night Monster Under My Bed, The Night Monster In The Closet, The Night Monster In That Basement, etcetera, etcetera. When you’re not looking for it, The Night Monster creeps in and attacks you, and you become its sticky prey, consumed by the shadowy moisture and consistency that covers Depression in its unholiness. However, I have found something that I find interesting and is slowly keeping The Night Monster away. For now, at least. It’s called... Writing. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. If you haven’t, and if I haven’t, then I wouldn’t be making this post and you wouldn’t be reading it. The Night Monster appears to dislike it when attention is brought onto It, even just the smallest bit, so I hope this gets some attention, because this texture of the shadowy consistency is going to give me a panic attack sooner or later.

Anyways. I suppose I should introduce myself.

My name is Alex. I am nonbinary, they/them pronouns, and identify purely as a threat. I consider myself to be trixic, aka liking girls. I am not sure how long this label is going to last, considering I often question myself while residing in Rock Bottom Avenue. The Night Monster tends to haunt my family, but It appears to like me the most, and it ends up hitting me the hardest. I have a fascination in the Medical Field, and it is a possible career path for me. Writing is simply a hobby, and I do not think I’ll ever end up pursuing it. I love visual novels, the colors yellow and dark red, gore, true crime, the deep web, creepy and mysterious internet things, and ARGs. Some of the specific things I like are the following: Killing Eve, Grey’s Anatomy, Overwatch, EXTREME MEATPUNKS FOREVER, Life is Strange, Local58, HiImMaryMary. Some more, but I can’t think of any at the moment. 

Mutuals and goblins I can interact with would be nice. Thank you for reading this, mystery reader.