Thank you, fuck you, goodbye.
Derrick and I took a three week break at the beginning of January, came back together, but emotionally never was able to truly come together. Breaking up at the beginning of June was hard. I had never felt such vulnerability and co-dependency with someone like this before. I still remember how my heart and stomach ached when I first looked at apartments and couldnāt imagine coming āhomeā to any place that didnāt have Derrick.
In all honestly, I think a part of me knew that Derrick and I were no longer a good fit. But in our time together, he has elevated my life so much - the lifestyle in particular - that it was tough to feel like I had to settle because I could not maintain the lifestyle I had grown so comfortable with, financially at least.
Having a firmer grasp on what was or wasnāt important to me was an enormous motivating factor in forcing myself to be comfortable with the uncomfortable. In the following months, I had more tough conversations (often with myself) than I had ever had. I asked for a raise for the first time (and was denied). I searched for jobs outside of the admin world (and started with Birdās ops). I shared vulnerabilities and spoke with affection with those I wanted to grow relationships with (friendsies group). I learned to say no. I stopped committing to things that depleted me instead of making me feel fulfilled (self-obligated family functions). I cut my parents out of my life. I prioritized taking care of my mental health (going to therapy regularly). I stopped doing crash diets and took my health more seriously (19 pounds lost on keto and IF). I stopped watching tv on the weekdays (and started reading again). I began building good, healthy habits that gave me mental clarity and simply made me feel good (making my bed every morning, clearing dirty dishes nightly, keeping my apt clutter free, taking vitamins daily, getting 8 hours of sleep, reflecting regularly, etc.).
To be frank, with every development, I didnāt expect for anything to change in my life - often times I was skeptical I could maintain something past a week. It started taking me by surprise when Iād reflect and realize that I couldnāt remember the last time I was angry, or how my heart no longer ached, or how my soul finally felt full. I remember the night my apartment felt like home for the first time and thinking how silly I had been for being scared I couldnāt financially support myself.
It scares me that for several months now, I catch myself feeling overwhelming full of joy. These moments generally are centered around times of reflection - particularly when Iām feeling full of gratitude for all that Iāve cultivated.
Iāve become a big believer of speaking things into existence. Iāve found strength in speaking my truth.
Over two months into this new year, and Iāve felt the most at peace than ever in my life. There is such an abundance of love and good, my heart is so full.
