my heart physically hurts while reading the scene where katniss 'chooses' gale after he is whipped (cf, 34). and not because she chooses gale. or writes off peeta as simply a part of the capitol's game (cf, 35).
but mostly, my heart hurts because of the way katniss speaks of herself. paragraphs of self-criticism interwoven between the impassioned declarations of rebellion.
she points out how selfish she has been. a true coward, trying to run away to save her life rather than stay and join the fight (cf, 34).
and with the same disgust that gale regarded her earlier in the day, katniss concludes that she isn't a decent person (cf, 29; 34). and not even saving peeta makes up for her vices. because apparently she only did that to save herself. from returning to an unlivable life without him (cf, 34).
and perhaps the saddest part of this moment is katniss wishing that she died in the arena. wishing that seneca crane had the wits to blow her to pieces. saving her from what she considers a worthless existence (cf, 34).
and there is only one way she can be "someone of worth" to the rebellion. and to some extent, gale.
because if she decided to hold out the nightlock berries as an act of rebellion against the capitol, not because she loved the dying boy beside her, then she has worth. then she is something they can work with (cf, 34).
and this realization shifts katniss's perspective. because she spends the rest of the book desperately justifying all of her efforts to save peeta by invoking the rebellion (cf, 69). trying to suppress the real reason she has saved him over and over again.
but the real reason isn't good enough. never has been for the rebellion (cf, 38). because the rebellion only sees katniss as a tool. a weapon to be used. and defiance against the capitol is the only trade they will accept from her.
once she loses her usefulness, there is no need to keep her around (mj, 307). better to just set her off in the wild ruins of a forgotten district and forget about her (mj, 322).
and even her loved ones. leaving her for better opportunities in other districts (mj, 327). leaving her districts with fewer ghosts to haunt them (mj, 323). everyone follows in the example of the rebellion in how you desert a burnt mockingjay.
everyone except him (mj, 325).
because peeta's love was never about usefulness. he loved her when she was a girl with no skills to share (thg, 111). no hunt to trade (thg, 28).
he loved her when she was singing sweet melodies that made the birds envy (thg, 301). he loved her when her song was replaced with a scowl (thg, 265).
he loved her when he fully believed that she loved him back (thg, 298). he loved her when it was seemingly clear that she didn't (cf, 100)
he loved her when she provided for her family, eyes focused on survival (thg, 27). he loved her when she was a shell of herself, her family nothing more than another casualty of the war (cf, 325).
he simply loved her. no strings attached. a truly revolutionary type of love in a place like panem.
