HƗW

[nightsinnostalgia]

The way I fell for your words, your touch. I fear I too am falling for your silence, for the spaces between them. I watch as gradually, but irrefutably, this distance is growing. Yet I stay falling, foolishly giving in to you as you stay slipping away. This is what worries me. That while life pulls you one way, I will remain rooted, I’ll stay. A watcher, a dreamer. Lost in these memories, living for the nostalgia within me. Even as our day is ending, the inching darkness creeping on the edges of this dusk I’ve found myself in. Even as I feel the very planets dimming, I continue to make you my universe, The centre of a reality that only I seem to be living in. Fearing a day, when the very eyes I lost myself in The ones of which I’ve been dreaming. Will be gazing back, not into mine but, into the soul of one that’s not me. I know that I do love you, in the only way I know how to, too strongly, too deeply, with too much of me. Losing all logic or rationality at the expense of hoping, fantasising and aspiring. You’ve taken up so much room in this heart of mine That i’ve never asked, I’ve forgotten to nor even tried, what it is that I mean to you. But does it matter, will any response change anything. This, I guess, is a sickness of the worst kind, A love-sick sensation attached to all our stolen moments, the briefest snippets of what we could be. Rather, perhaps what we could’ve been. The thoughts that I’d begun to believe we shared, But now, a thousand leagues apart I realise, Maybe those dreams were mine alone.

[nightsinnostalgia]

- Sobriety Means facing reality Confronting every feeling, Every emotion I’ve tried to keep tucked away. It means having thoughts, seeing memories and reliving every nightmare I’ve been trying to run from. Call me a coward or a fool Intoxication for me is just a tool. A form of therapy, A kind of sick sanity A way to exist An escape from reality.

[nightsinnostalgia]

Dancing under these stars tonight Take a chance Grab my hand. Fear clouding Doubt nagging Your heart screams yes But your mind Denies. I can see that torment In your crystal blue eyes. So tonight, Under this night sky, Our figures bathed In pale moonlight. Take hold,  Have hope. Let this feeling Make you fall, The way I fell, Months ago.

[nightsinnostalgia]

- We want, yet can’t have. Only because, it is us, Stopping ourselves.

[nightsinnostalgia]

- You may know, The phases of my face. You may know, The facets of mind You may know, Me. Or at least what you think that I am. But if you know my soul, If you’ve found a way to open it up, Somehow delved that deep. Well then, You’re irreplaceable.  

[nightsinnostalgia]

- The one you think of when you rise. The last to cross your mind at night. The one your mind turns to When you’re feeling lonely And thoughts run deep. The one you yearn to run to With any news, good or bad. The name that comes to mind, The face that’s stuck in your head. They’re the one who’s got your heart To keep.

[nightsinnostalgia]

- Come home with me, But Not in my usual sense. No clothes on the floor Or regrets in the morning. Come with me, hold my hand. Explore All the feelings that stir inside. Lay here, held in my arms. Sharing our souls, Never ending talks, The 3 a.m. kind. Hand in hand, fingers intertwined Lay your head On my chest. Feel my heart flutter Whenever you look into my eyes. Let’s lose ourselves Under these starless skies.

[nightsinnostalgia]

When you’ve been raised on this notion that while your sensitivities not a sin, it’s also not something to put much faith in. When your whole life you’ve been reminded time and time again that you can’t be this dramatic, that it’s attention seeking to be feeling this way. Where any emotion can be overcome if you just try hard enough, and if you can’t, well then, you’re just not wanting it badly enough. It sinks in, permeates every fibre of your being, every part of your mind and soul. You end up holding it in, not wanting to share your burdens with anyone else. Wanting to deal with it all on your lonesome. Because you think (you know) that no one else wants to hear it, no one else cares to know. Like a soul crushing elastic-band ball, it just keeps on growing. Every bad moment, each terrifying situation, all the hurtful dark and painful thoughts each slowly adding another layer to that ball. Until, well, like any other elastic band stretch too thin they start snapping one by one. Slowly at first, but increasing in rapid succession until you can’t hold any of it in anymore. And there you are in hysterics, alone on the floor. Where the walls are all closing in, and every demon and devil you’ve suppressed and hidden deep rear their ugly heads to confront you all at once. Where life seems to make even less sense than it normally does and the only way seems to be that plan you formulated long ago. You start to dig out those envelopes you hid at the bottom of your drawers, the tear stained letters you’d always fought to never need, messages of heart break that you’d never deliver. You lay there, barely able to read the names scrawled on each, wondering, hoping, (but not believing) they’d even care. Those paragraphs you hoped would be enough of an explanation, an apology. All until that one last one, that one last name, the soul you could never destroy, not this way. The image of them, reading this woefully inadequate farewell. The thought that no amount of explanation could heal the hole this would leave in them. Slowly, faintly, like a dying torch cutting through the foggiest of nights, realisation begins to creep in. This reminder that you couldn’t do this to them, couldn’t leave them living with the nightmare of this decision, won’t put them through a hell they don’t deserve. So like all the nights before, the letters get shoved back in. Not thrown away, because somewhere within you know that one day even their name won’t be enough to bring you back from the edge. But for tonight, for right now you slowly back away. The tears won’t stop, the darkness won’t leave, your breath still won’t come, but it’s not like you haven’t handled all this before.

[nightsinnostalgia]

- Life’s a mix, A little happiness, Lots of sadness. There’s passion and love anger and hate, Finding yourself Still remaining so lost. Surrounded by lovely souls Yet so alone. So much hope, So many dreams, With reality adding Or snatching away. Life’s a lot of things But I’ve learnt, What I’ve seen. We can’t prepare, or practice, When mostly It’s just a chaotic madness.

[nightsinnostalgia]

- On your string, your rope, Just dangling. Mistress, Your puppet’s ready. What can I say, I’m yours Do as you please.

[nightsinnostalgia]

- Spending hours, Nights, Entire days, out of my head. Drunk, Or drugged, Bouncing from bed to bed. I should know better, It doesn’t help, nothing does, It never has. Freedom from my devils, From the nightmares, That have made me bleed couldn’t be that easy. But, For brief escapes, Even the littlest respite, I’ll do what it takes.

[nightsinnostalgia]

- Constantly feeling like I’m sinking, Drowning, A permanent smothered feeling. Don’t even know what in. An overwhelming influx of emotion, Or the distinct lack of them? Do I feel too much, can’t process it, Or have I just numbed, and it’s the emptiness I’m experiencing? It’s all too much to bear, Yet in the same breath, Nothing at all  About which I care. It’s a tempest, a roaring storm A hurricane of sorts, I’ve been swept up. At the same time it’s a glacial coldness, stillness Nothingness where I’m unmoored, just aimlessly floating. How do I overcome something I know nothing about. How do I fight a feeling I can’t put my finger on. How do I remove an obstacle I can’t see. How do I fix when I don’t know what’s broken. How. What.

Why.

[nightsinnostalgia]

- There’s a lot I should stop. There’s a list I’ve been compiling Putting it together, bit by bit. But on top, Priority number one; I need to quit watching you Like you’re art. Two; I must stop talking about you Like you’re my poetry. Along with all that Maybe I need to stop loving you Like you were ever mine to love.

[nightsinnostalgia]

- I see now How terrible I must’ve been, Driven by devils Letting demons define me. All these hearts I closed myself to, Not giving anything Other than the bare minimum. Saying only words that served My purpose, Nothing more. A stony facade That seemed to attract, But made, only to keep others out. Yet, here I am Begging, pleading, wanting  For you to let me in. While you shelter and protect, Mortared in, building walls Letting no one near.

[nightsinnostalgia]

-

What’s happening

What is this you’re doing,

Holding sway over me.

Starting to realise, to feel,

Is this what i’ve done

To so many.

Karma’s come back,

To bite me.

Your heart’s locked,

No key.

This whole time

It was me,

Never letting any in.

Now I’m the one going crazy,

Left dangling.

Went from running away,

To finally having something to run to.

But no way in.

[nightsinnostalgia]

- Do you want me, Or do you not. Do you care at all, Or do you not. Yes, this is arbitrary, Super lame. But you’ve robbed me, No words in my brain. Never felt this lost, This misguided aim. Just let me know What am I to do. Tell me if, For you This is all just a game.

[nightsinnostalgia]

- People come And then they go. This I’ve learnt This I know. But darling, Take a chance Let love find its way. Be one of the ones That stayed.