During lockdown I worked on two projects: one was a ditch that needed to be cleared out of tules and cattails but turtles lived there. So I’d follow the excavator scooping out the vegetation and make sure no turtles were trapped in it, and if they were, freeing them and putting them in a safe part of the ditch. It’s extremely muddy, sticky work. Hold on, I have a photo of one of the guys:
No one is having a good time.
The OTHER project was going to destroy rare salamander habitat and so we had to buy some appropriate habitat. But every mitigation bank was sold out. I found a guy selling future mitigation bank credits through the powers of making a lot of phone calls and then, through the power of polite requests, got our Wildlife Agency rep to sign off on this plan. Except. You can’t say “I gave seven figures to a guy who promises to someday make habitat”, that guy could abscond. You also can’t be like “I supes promise to pay for mitigation AFTER the project.” because WE could not pay out. We were, for various reasons, disinclined to delay the project. The Wildlife Agency rep — bless her, she really held my hand through this whole process — was like “how about you put the money in escrow?” Great. A plan.
So I call an escrow company — which was not an organization used to being cold-called, much less by someone standing next to an excavator, covered in mud. I was trying to provide only the information needed to enable success and NOT go on a five-ten minute rant on salamander life cycles. Also I was DEEPLY out of my depth.
“Hi! I was wondering if you could hold money in an escrow account for a longer period?”
“… Well, in some circumstances we can hold it for up to 90 days — but we’d need to know the circumstances.”
“Ah! I need someone to hold it for up to two years? Do you know of any companies who’d be able to help me?”
“What. What is happening with the house that this is necessary?”
“Oh uh. It’s not a house, per se, it’s a rare salamander mitigation bank. It needs to be built.”
“The salamanders need a custom house?”
“No no no no no uh. They need a pond. We’re paying someone to make a pond. But! They need time to make the pond. Hence the escrow account. So. Who could?”
“So like a lizard house?”
“Let me. Transfer you to my supervisor.”
<after a pause a different person comes on the line but also unfortunately at this moment the excavator operator fishes a turtle out of the ditch.>
“Hi! Sorry one second I need to put down the phone to help a turtle.” <interlude> “Thank you so much for waiting! I’m back! Can you talk to me about escrow options?”
“What was happening with the turtle?”
“Oh it was trapped in some cattails but I got it out. Sorry for putting down the phone — you need both hands to grab them because they bite! I need an escrow account to hold funds for up to two years?”
“For a house for lizards? Are you a zoo?”
“Ah! Salamanders, actually! And a mitigation bank, not a house. I actually work for X organization.”
“What is a mitigation bank?” (The critical question!)
“Oh when you’re building something and need to impact some rare species habitat you can pay someone to make new rare species habitat.”
“But this habitat is incomplete! It doesn’t have a pond. So my organization won’t pay until AAAAAAAAA excuse me sorry I fell into a ditch. My organization needs there to be a pond there before they pay for the property. So one path forward is an escrow account.”
“What’s the cost of this bank?”
<the tenor of the conversation became markedly warmer at this point.>
“OK if you get my your contact information then I’ll email you some options and then we can discuss — do you have time now?”
“Unfortunately I do not have email access right this second. Also I need to get out of the ditch. Could we put a pin in this conversation and circle back tomorrow?”
“Of course, I look forward to working with your organization?”
“Good luck with the. Ditch. And turtles?”
“Thank you! Have a great day!”
origamiaround
areudirty
gummygunk
stormborns
dededos
