I finished reading ACOSF and here are my thoughts
ā ļø SPOILERY, SO DONāT READ IF YOU HAVENāT READ THE BOOK ā ļø
šØ scroll past this if youāre not the kind to open your mind and listen, truly listen, to what is being said.
nestaās journey of healing is hers and hers alone. She owes no one in the inner circle anything, they didnāt do her any favors. She was still suffering all the same after she got her free will stripped from her, the decision made for her by packing her things without even listening to her opinion, being threatened that her second option is being thrown to the human lands where she could die, being lied to about the consequences of her actions in law, being told she belongs in the Hewn City, being told sheās a waste of life, and instead of being given her space and time, they push her to talk and interact when all sheās trying to do is have some distance from everyone. Some time to herself, to not feel anything, to control the storm of thoughts raging on the inside. And sheās pushed time and time again to face her trauma and heal RIGHT NOW because theyāre all happy and sheās ruining the mood by being gloomy. How dare she take over a year when theyāve taken decades or years? And on the outside theyāre like āthis is for your own goodā when all theyāre thinking about is THEIR image, when sheās frequenting taverns. THEIR image, when she doesnāt show up to their parties. THEIR image when the bill for her drinking is high. (They say itās too much money, as if they donāt have all the riches and they all spend money on things that are absolutely not necessary, and THEY drowned her with gifts, LOADS of gifts, after she sacrificed her power to save her sister, which she didnāt do for payment, but anyway the thought is, THEY HAD THE MONEY AND DIDNāT AFFECT ANYTHING BUT āTHEIR IMAGEā) Then when she gets angry from all the pushing and lashes out and itās her fault. theyāre all like ācome to our gatherings where we will insult you, nitpick all your unhealthy coping mechanisms, but donāt be offended and seclude yourself, we all took decades to deal with our trauma and killed people while doing it but your coping mechanisms are unhealthy. And your actions are unforgivable because you lash out at us when we shove ourselves down your throat. How can you not like us? Everyone has to like us.ā Then she gets thrown away to a war camp, a FUCKING WAR CAMP, while a big part of her trauma is because of war. And instead of dealing with her face-to-face, while being gentle and showing her theyāre on her side WITHOUT JUDGEMENT, WITHOUT WINCING AND GLANCES AT EACH OTHER AND INNER CONVERSATIONS ABOUT HER WHERE SHEāS EXCLUDED, theyāre like āweāre tired of your shit so hereās a house you can stay in while you sort this out away from our merry little circle, which has its nose up your business anyway. But still, sort it out away from us.ā And in that house she became more and more closed off and her healing didnāt start until the house came into play which was her own doing. And it kicked off because of Emerie and Gwyn, who both didnāt judge her, didnāt villainize her, didnāt only see the bad in her, but accepted her as she was and loved every part of her. Showed her that she was not a waste of life and there are things to live for. As for the beloved inner circle? Beyond insulting her and her coping mechanisms, They donāt tell her about the weapons SHE made, they always villianize her, assuming sheād be out to take the world and take revenge on everyone who ever glanced her way. They assumed she was bad, they assumed because she was angry, that she would use her power for killing and terrorizing and building an Empire like they all do. When all she wanted to do was listen to music and be around good company who passed her no judgement.
Feyre. I hated Feyreās ācrying over scrambled eggs because my image is destroyed my sister spent so much money on drinkingā. But beyond that I was fine with her. I loved her reconcilation with Nesta. I loved that she was one who wanted to give Nesta more time, recognized that she needed her own time. I love them together. I think without everyoneās interference, their reconcilation wouldāve happened much faster. They were already making progress before ~some people~ ruined everything and caused Nesta to be closed off again. I donāt hate that Nesta sacrificed her power to save Feyre in the end. Sheās her sister and she loves her and this is not the first time she proved this. She would do anything to protect her sisters and she hates herself for the times she misstepped. Even though it wasnāt her fault and there was a full grown man sitting there who conveniently got a redemption arc. What angers me though, is that it was only after this, that the inner circle viewed her as someone who is worth their respect.
As for Elain, let me get something out of the way, she has powers. She has free will, sheās not a baby. Sheās a grown woman who doesnāt need coddling. I hate how the fandom views her as a baby. Now that thatās out of the way, here are my 2 cents on her, since she wasnāt in this book much: Nesta was there for her, for weeks, as she healed. She didnāt tell her to snap out of it. She didnāt tell her to appeal to anyone elseās need for comfort as she battled her own shit. So tell me why Elain slut-shamed Nesta, agreed to pack her bags, wasnāt there for her at all (and when I say someone is there for someone I mean NOT pointing out all their flaws and throwing them at their face as theyāre already battling self loathing)? Why Elain? If my sibling had done for me what Nesta did for Elain, I would stop at nothing to make sure they feel safe and have at least one person to turn to, no matter how many times they yell or push me away. Because I would recognize that their attempts at pushing me away are just to stop any further blaming or conversations that would lead to more reasons for them to hate themselves. And then when Nesta comes to the party this time, Elain meets her at the door and her reaction instead of saying hi and leaving it at that or simply ignoring her, is ādid Feyre pay you this time?ā Iām disappointed in her. And then we get a āsweetā moment of Nesta saying āfuck youā and Elain laughing it off, the sweet summer child. I donāt hate Elain, but I think she shouldāve handled this better than anyone else because she was there, she witnessed the trauma happen, Nesta was there for her, they grew up being inseparable the entire time. So why the abandonment?
Rhysand, I will not even dignify with a paragraph, that piece of shit, misogynist, who used his powers to compel Nesta to obey his orders, pulled rank with her, taunted and threatened her every step of the way and utilized her for his own agenda, and was *surprised* to learn the woman has trauma. Took him being inside her head and unable to wake her up from the nightmare, because the behavior she was exhibiting wasnāt enough. [insert shocked pickatchu meme].
Edit 1: I also would like to add that him playing the protective LI from his mateās own sister, WHO COULDāVE HARMED HER IF SHE WANTED TO, but never wanted to because sheās not a bad person, is so cheap. Like- you, the guy who drugged her and made her give you lap dances, are afraid for her sake... from her sister? Who only ever used words? Or do you feel like youāre outpowered and are trying to fill the void in your toxic masculinity? [end of edit]
Cassian was patient with her, and probably the healthiest person in the inner circle who dealt with her until she was okay, but he still silently agreed with all the shit that was said about her. Shit she didnāt deserve to be said about her as someone going through trauma. He mocked whatever progress she made on the stairs calling it pathetic in the beginning. He stayed silent when Nesta was stripped of her will, when she was told she belongs in the Court of Nightmares, when her fate was decided for her, when she was being lied to, when she was tyreatened to be thrown to the humans who would kill her. He made some progress and understood her better with time, but it doesnāt excuse how he stayed silent when she was being mistreated. Specially since he claims her loves her. He also stayed silent as the Inner Circle despised her presence but still used her to reach what theyāre plotting for. He progressed, and he got better, Iāll give him that. But still, as someone who claims he loves her the way he does, he shouldnāt have allowed his friends to manipulate and use her in their schemes but then exclude her from everything else.
Mor, fucking Mor, who experienced trauma, told Nesta she belongs in the court of Nightmares. Where she was abused herself. Knowing women are viewed as objects there, knowing Nesta would recieve abuse there. She said that, wishing abuse on someone who she simply didnāt like and had some quarrels with. I hate that this is the Bi character in all of this mess. Of all people, a hypocrite is the Bi person. The LGBTQ community deserved better.
Amren told her she was a waste of life. What a great way to deal with someone whoās suffering from PTSD and having suicidal thoughts, Amren. Tell them theyāre a waste of life, enforce every thought they are having as fact, push them to the point where they doubt they should be breathing, and when theyāre told they could tumble down a mountain and break their bones while hiking, their first thought being āgoodā. Amren deserves a medal, a badge of honor for being the 500+ old woman who has healthy ways of dealing with traumatized people telling them they donāt deserve to live because the thoughts of their power and dealing with controlling that power right now is so overwhelming. Amren, who decided that because Nesta was always angry, she had no right to know that she used her power unknowingly and forged powerful weapons. Villainizing Nestaās every thought, as if, Nesta wasnāt overwhelmed from the thought of possessing so much power, as if Nesta doesnāt refuse to use her powers and train. As if Nesta is out there hiding as she masters her power and reemerge to turn the world upside down. Youāre the one whoās pushing Rhys to colonize other territories and become high king, Amren. Maybe *you* should be locked up in the house of wind for therapy. Along with Mor and Rhys. What hurts most in this is Amren was her friend. She trusted Amren. Amren said that shitty line to her and then lied to her and manipulated her and used her to further Rhysās agenda. And everyone give SJM a round of pats on the back and an applause for making Amren the wise one here and making Nesta, the traumatized and abused one, get on her knees and apologize.
Anyway, THE HOUSE! The house of wind was honestly one of the two good parts of this book. It was Nesta, āLady Deathā as they call her, breathing life into something, and it was gentle, and it was patient, and it was understanding, and it pushed her to be healthier without judging, without throwing insults or slut-shaming. It hated that she didnāt eat? It kept waiting for her until her body gave out and she had to eat. It didnāt like her drinking? It gave her water when she asked for wine. It showed her its darkest part where she found the greatest warmth as well, as if saying donāt be ashamed of your darkness because in it youāll find light, and it didnāt abandon her or stop responding to her when she was angry. It was actively by her side, without any judgement, only support and pushing her to fix the behaviours without dissing her. and it was everything those people around her werenāt.
As for Gwyn, their first meeting wasnāt at all what you would call āfriendlyā, to a fault by Nesta. Yet Gwyn didnāt react with even more anger as ~others~ did, she didnāt fear Nesta, or give a retort, or get angry and lash out at her. She took the blow and was, with all the calm in the world, like fine, you want to tell on me, go tell. And Nesta did go tell on her, then realized byherself how she acted rashly. And later helped Gwyn without being asked to, by swapping the book so Merrill doesnāt scold her. And their friendship grew to the point where Gwyn, a traumatized person who couldnāt dare leave the library, started training with her, was her friend and had conversations with her that didnāt center her trauma or her coping mechanisms being analyzed. She went out of the library for the first time in 2 years when she knew Nesta needed her by her side. She occupied her mind with stories of Valkyries, women being strong and unyielding in a society which didnāt allow it. She took her hand and gave her a purpose in life to work for. Gave her a friend who didnāt judge, a kind face in the maelstorm of judgemental faces. Until she felt like a safe space to Nesta to the point where she spilled all her thoughts, the ones she could only admit to herself, to Gwyn, letting her inside those walls. And when she braced for judgement, she didnāt receive it. Gwyn dealing with someoneās trauma, as someone whoās been through trauma herself, is a healthy way.
Emerie! Another woman with trauma. She sees Nesta enter her store, of course she knows who she is, of course sheās heard word of Nestaās unhealthy coping mechansims, doesnāt judge her. Nesta asks about making the fatigues warmer, Emerie says sheāll ask, but itās costly. Nesta says then she canāt afford it, admits that she was cut off, Emerie, as a stranger, doesnāt judge her. She says she could make them anyway and she can pay her as she can. Because no one should feel cold. Itās simple, irrelevant. Nesta wouldnāt freeze to death, she as a stranger has no obligation to help, itās a simple reasoning. āYou shouldnāt feel coldā. Itās enough for her to help Nesta. Something as mundane as feeling cold. And later, Nesta sends her the herbs she wishes to get which she canāt get often because of her location, and itās a message of āyou too deserve to see whatās best in the world, to go out and experience the beautiful parts and live, not just existā. So Emerie goes to training with her as well, and they bond over romance novels. Emerie also reaches a point where she opens up about her own trauma, and tells the truth about what she faced and her survival. This girl who is 50-70 something, who has never had friends in her life, living a lonely secluded life, finally found someone who was trustworthy enough to be around and form a bond with. I HATE, that she will be paired with Mor. HATE IT. Mor verbally abused her friend. Told her she belongs among people who abuse their women. I donāt see how this can happen. How Emerie, an abused woman, could end up with someone like Mor, who was abused in her own right but wishes abuse on others. As for the fact that she is a PoC, and the illyrians are portrayed as this group of savages who abuse their women and their women have no say in their lives and futures and how they clip their womenās wings, when wings, wingspan and wingplay heavily imply that wings are erotic spots in the body and wing clipping seems to be the equivalent of Circumcision, which again so happens to be done by the āPoC savages who abuse their womenā, hits a whole lot as fucking racist and xenophobic. PoC deserve a storyline where theyāre not viewed as the villains.
Edit 2: I just want to add, this doesnāt fit under one person specifically, because the entire IC is involved, that them all blaming Nesta, framing her as the wrong person, when she told Feyre about the dangers of her pregnancy? I donāt care if she did it while she was angry, her heart was in the right place. She got hurt from them deciding her fate without her involvement, voting on her, and she showed Feyre what was really at play. Protecting her from what she faced with the Inner Circle. Just because she was angry while doing it does not mean she did it out of spite. But you all would rather suck up to the Inner Circle than confront the fact that theyāre hypocrites and liars with a propaganda. Theyāre evil. They fear Nesta using her power to cease control of everyone because itās how THEY are. With all this High King crap. Basically colonization dreams. With how they press rank whenever it suits them, and lie about the law to win arguments. Itās because those who are inherently bad think everyone is bad just like them. [end of edit]
Edit 3: I keep adding the more I think about it, I donāt have this planned. Anyway: the thing with blaming Nesta for not being the breadwinner... I could never get it. Some have money-earning skills, others donāt. She, at the point of her life when she was human, was only trained in dancing and appealing to men socially so she could uplift the familyās social status. She couldnāt hunt. Feyre could. And NEITHER, shouldāve been the breadwinner. Nesta was willing to starve to death if it would push her father to do something. Feyre wasnāt willing to wait and starve or watch anyone starve. But it doesnāt mean Nesta was at fault. She was only 3 years older than Feyre. Letās leave the āthe oldest child has to step in for the parents when the parents failā mentality in the past. Itās 2021. Nesta was under no obligation to be the breadwinner. And she suffered self-flagellation regularly for letting Feyre walk out there and hunt. But she literally had no skills that when she thought of something to do, she could only think of selling herself on the streets. The parents were abusive, both of them. Favoring one child over the other and planting rivalry between the siblings. āi love youā means nothing. NOTHING, when there is no action to prove it.
And Nesta being abused by her grandmother for missing steps in dance. Something only she had to go through. And has the scar to show it. She was groomed to be the social ladder her family climbs on when she grows up, yet she grieved her motherās death. She grieved and had survivorās guilt, PTSD, and depression from her fatherās death. Despite all they did. Just because she guards her emotions and builds walls does not mean she has a frigid heart. Sheās one who feels so deeply until it consumes her and she feels nothing. Itās her demise.
As for her power being the ābare minimumā now, there better not be a plothole, since Rhysand couldnāt contain merely the surface of her power and if thatās all she retained, then itās good enough for me.
