– BLAIR FURROWS HER BROW. she doesn’t mean to, she doesn’t intend to give ANYTHING away in this conversation, but she can’t help herself. “ well, ” she exhales, “ i think people only ask for less than they want because they’re afraid they can’t have more. and i know for a fact that you could. ” she doesn’t mean herself, it barely crosses her mind – she still hasn’t figured out what she has to really offer anyone, but she does know that someone like nisa could have so much more than the smallest amount, that if it’s made someone as used up as blair even THINK about trying, then there must be people out there, better people, who would do much more than that. after all, she gets it – she’s a flight risk that most people wouldn’t be willing to bank on. she can’t really blame nisa for her choice.
because that’s what it was – a choice. anyone who knows jamie well enough to know about his mother must also know that he and blair have a bond that transcends blood. and escalating things with him, that was an unspoken decision, a line even blair wouldn’t have any intentions to cross.
“ you’re so … well, you know what i think of you, ” she says, teeth digging into her lower lip. the words infuriating, irritating, annoying, and every other shade have already been used. “ and it was obvious from the start, how different we are. which is probably why everything you’re saying sounds fucking ridiculous to me, ” she adds sharply. and it’s true. blair wants passion that burns, and life’s too short to spend time wondering and worrying over when it’ll be snuffed out. still, for a girl that keeps going on about wanting something ‘solid,’ blair will never get the logic surrounding jamie singh as bachelor number one. again, not like she has any room to talk. but that’s the whole point, and the part that hurts the most : she doesn’t think she and jamie are all that different.
tongue traces the line of her teeth as she shakes her head, a look of disappointment. then she shrugs. “ but before you get on your high horse, i’ll remind you that you never even asked me what i might want. ” gaze lingers on nisa’s face and she hesitates, like she’s not sure if she should say more. she’s said too much as it is. her gaze softens, cheeks dark red, and she turns slightly to go – but her mouth is always one step ahead of her, “ which is fine. because i don’t want you. at least … clearly not how you want to be wanted. and either way, he’s … actually really into you. so, maybe don’t give up on him just yet. not that easily. ”
nisa doesn’t respond, frustrated with the way blair seems to be missing her point. a relationship is something that’s built by two people, she’ll ask for more as things get more serious. she doesn’t need someone to be perfect, or to promise her the world, she just wants someone that’s willing to try and figure things out with her.
“obvious to who?” nisa snaps, suddenly annoyed with how dismissive blair’s being, like she has never seriously considered her. but then again, maybe she hasn’t. maybe blair’s never turned their conversations over in her mind, searching for meaning within nisa’s words. maybe blair hasn’t searched for parts of her to hold onto: the pictures on her walls, the trinkets on her dresser, the color of her duvet. maybe their conversation at battle of the bands hadn’t left blair with the same sense of belonging. woodstock is blair’s home, she shouldn’t need nisa for that. and clearly, blair hasn’t studied nisa closely enough to realize that while they might look different, and they might want different things, inside, they’re more alike than not. “blair, from the start, you were the only person here i thought had any chance of understanding me without me having to explain myself.” she stops then, swallowing around the lump that’s formed in her throat. it’s a good thing she’s never had a problem talking about herself.
blair turns and nisa takes a step towards her, reaching out to grab her wrist to stop her from leaving. it’s not fair, nisa knows this, but she’s not ready to let blair leave on those answers. it’s who she is: infuriating, unable to leave things alone; she has to pick them apart. “maybe that’s why i haven’t asked, because i know you won’t give me a straight answer. i mean, which is it? could i have more if i just asked for it, or am i not worth your time?” at least, that’s what nisa hears in blair’s words. “and why would you tell me all that if you don’t want me?” she assumes she doesn’t have to specify what she’s referring to. though, as she runs through it again, nisa shifts her focus away from their conversation to what came after. instead of the secrets shared and how blair had looked at her, she remembers the way blair kissed her, the words she left her with. her heart drops to her stomach. maybe blair’s a better actress than nisa’s given her credit for. “what, did you just want to fuck me again?” her brow furrows the second the words leave her lips. she shakes her head. “actually,” she lets go of blair’s wrist and takes a step back. “don't answer that.” her gaze drops, too scared to see any kind of confirmation cross blair’s expression. maybe this is the kind of trouble she should avoid.
shaking her head, nisa turns to go back inside. “just forget it.” she doesn’t want a relationship where she has to fight for everything, and she didn’t need blair’s confirmation to know jamie’s into her. he told her himself.