my insufferable thoughts

she/her • 21 • anxiety • blog of my mentally ill antics • desi • no friends (would love to make some) •

[vixensofdeath]

I destroy myself to make me feel better but in the end I always feel worse.

[ashstfu]

sometimes i think adulthood just means constantly searching for and chasing that joy you so effortlessly felt during your childhood

[nonchalant-ghost]

God, I need to get this off my chest. I've been keeping this a secret for several months. I have a crush on a guy nearly double my age. He's single, but he's got a lot of medical complications. He's sweet, quiet and remembers small details about me. It's so wrong, and I feel fucking disgusting about it, but I genuinely think I might love him. A part of me feels like I can "fix" him and essentially be a manic pixie dream girl. I hate how my heart is clouding my mind. Not a day goes by that I don't think about his smile, his voice or how he correctly pronounces my name. His name is always on the tip of my tongue, every thought revolves around him. I hate compicated/unrequited love. It's so painful.

[thehopefulquotes]

“You are so good. So good, you’re always feeling so much. And sometimes it feels like you’re gonna bust wide open from all the feeling, don’t it? People like you are the best in the world, but you sure do suffer for it.”

— Silas House

[remanence-of-love]

[quotemadness]

“She was still holding out for something that wasn’t going to happen. She was good at waiting. That seemed like a sad thing to be good at.”

— Ann Brashares

[euneirophrenic]

[the-suicide-effect]

“Anxiety is always feeling like something is out of place and when you can’t find what it is…you start to think it’s you”

-the suicide effect

[nonchalant-ghost]

I self harmed again. I was clean since December, but now I feel regret and disappointment. The past week I've been having the urge to cut but i kept ignoring it. But I can't seem to help it, whenever my mind spirals out of control, my first thought is to hurt myself. I wish I wasn't like this. I wonder how people just deal with negative emotions without being self destructive.

[nonchalant-ghost]

Does anyone want be online friends? Only someone 18 or older since I'm 19. I'm really fucking lonely. We could literally do/talk about anything (except anime since I don't watch much of it). I'd love to join a group of friends. It'd be awesome if anyone added me on any social media.

[nonchalant-ghost]

I think it's time for me to finally respond to messages and reach out to the people I've ghosted. My therapist thinks I can rebuild my broken friendships. I've caused a lot of pain to my friends by avoiding them. I haven't talked to my friends for a year (more than that). I desperately need to get my shit together.

[verpasstzuleben]

[bleedingthroughteeth]

[nonchalant-ghost]

Today at work I got extremely anxious because I fucked up. I started tearing up and silently cried at my desk. I had a compelling urge to hurt myself. It got to the point where all I could think was, "I need to claw at my skin" and "find something sharp". I then found a staple remover with two sharp teeth and punctured my skin. I squeezed my skin so hard that I drew a little blood. By the time I realized what I had done, it was too late.

I'm getting worse. My work is the one place where I never let this side of me win. I really thought I was getting better.

[thestoryofaphantom]

I feel so left out. I don’t know why, but I feel as though people don’t actually like me. So I slowly distance myself from people and eventually I have no friends.

[nonchalant-ghost]

This. I've felt this way since I was a child and it only got worse.

[nonchalant-ghost]

One of the saddest feelings ever is realizing that my parents don't unconditionally love me. The fact that one mistake can be the difference between me being the child they adored to a complete pariah keeps me on edge.

[rexanaboy]

I’m so tired of fighting my own mind every second of everyday.

I can’t do it anymore, I’m not strong enough to do it.

It’s like holding a door shut whilst a horde of people are trying to open the door and there’s just one person trying to hold it shut against the horde. I’m the one person and my mind is the horde, i can’t hold the dorm shut anymore, I know I’ll end up hurt when they break through the door but I don’t care anymore.