okay.

@shailenewoodley: i'm starting to think that my cat doesn't like hiking to get spring water

[candidlyshailene]

Shailene Woodley heading to the ‘Allegiant’ New York Premiere - After Party on March 14, 2016

[candidlyshailene]

Shailene Woodley arriving at the airport in Miami on March 11, 2016

[candidlyshailene]

Shailene Woodley arriving at her hotel in New York City on March 14, 2016

[rlyansel]

heart out ☯ shansel.

[rlyansel]

It was no surprise to Ansel that kissing Shailene was so much more different than kissing anyone else, and while that was hard to get used to – it really wasn’t. It was an exciting feeling, one that was easily taken over with eagerness and desire to learn more about what she was like, and how she was like when she got like this. More or less, there really was so much that he didn’t know about her, and he couldn’t wait until he continued to gain knowledge. Don’t get him wrong, he didn’t want to learn everything too fast, or maybe even at all; that was the great mystery of it – that she was still a mystery. Shailene was a girl with her own mind and her own thoughts and while half the time they went over Ansel’s head due to his simplemindedness of things, it still amazed him that someone like her even existed and was so willing to exist so closely to him. He furrowed his brow at her words and titled his head a bit in confusion; he had said a lot of things in that moment, so which was the one that he wasn’t supposed to talk like? “Can’t say what?” He asks, his voice still low as his eyes search hers, as if her hues would decode the question that he was asking. Though, it was hard to think when she was this close to him. Sometimes, he felt like a twelve year old boy that was just getting to know his first real crush and being so close to her was enough to drive him wild. He had been even closer to Shai then he was right now, but this still all felt like the first time around again.

“I’m aware,” he breathes, his hand falling onto the crook of her neck as lips part and his jaw slacks. One thing Ansel couldn’t resist more than anything was the way Shailene paid attention to his neck. He hadn’t thought much of it ever before, but looking back she always had this infinity with his neck – her hand lacing around it, holding it when she hugged him, grabbing it when they kissed – it was all almost over stimulating, but even worse now that her lips attached themselves to it. “I want to be yours – I don’t know how you feel about labels, and dating co-stars and people you work with, at least I did, but with what you’re doing and saying lately… I can’t say I know for sure anymore. But if this is our secret, it makes kissing you even all the more exciting.” Ansel knew he’d happily flaunt their relationship if given the chance, but he still needed to give himself time to heal over those wounds, no matter how much he liked her. Rushing would only burn them in the end, and he was trying to avoid that at all costs. He mirrors her grin at her last words, almost cheekily, “Then do it.” This was so new to him, the way they were acting but just that thought alone got his heart beating faster than he ever knew possible. Ansel easily finds their lips moving without missing a beat, his hands roaming beneath the hem of her shirt to rest on her lower back, hoping he wasn’t pushing any bounds – though she was making it extremely hard not to.

[noshai]

There was something different about kissing Ansel, and not kissing him like he was Gus and her as Hazel. It was significantly different kissing him as Shai, and knowing that he was kissing her in a similar way. It was all terrifying, and Ansel's slightest actions were driving the girl crazy, and that was to say the very least of it. Licking over her lips twice, Shai looked at Ansel, her eyebrows raised. "It's your tone," she almost whined, but thankfully, the words sounded more like dramatics than whining. "You can't just say things like that, especially now that I know this isn't a one-sided thing that I thought up and considered but never actually saw happening. You just can't do that to me, Ans. You're gonna' drive me insane in a matter of minutes, and I already feel like I'm so susceptible to your every touch," she sighed, one of her hands getting a loose grip on the boy's hair. "I want that too," Shai had mumbled into his neck, still giving the soft skin the attention that she'd wanted to for what had felt like ages. "But, I don't know how people are going to take it -- and I know that shouldn't matter, in the grand scheme of things, but while this is new, I think it does," Shai nodded, pulling back from his neck for a few moments. "Can it be our secret? Can I selfishly have you all to myself, without anybody knowing about it? I could have a lot of fun with that idea," she nodded shyly, pressing another kiss to his neck before she was shifting her position on the couch.

"Well, if you insist," Shai mumbled briefly, but it was evident that she would've just as eagerly pressed her lips onto his, had he not said a word about it. Leaning her head up just enough, one of her hands rested lightly on his neck, the warmth of his skin against her palm as she fervently met his lips with hers. Their lips moved in a way that Shai had never experienced prior. She'd kissed him plenty of times, sure, but it was never like this was. It was never so desperate, and so loud -- it was as if even the faintest of kisses spoke volumes louder than any sum of words could even attempt to. "Ansel," Shai mumbled, her tongue running across her lower lip. She shivered a bit at the touch of his hands on her back, adjusting to the unfamiliar temperature of his palms against her bare skin, which was growing warmer by the second. At least, it seemed that way. "You're making things really hard for me. Like, really fucking hard," she muttered, her teeth sinking into her lower lip before she dipped her head back down to his neck, her teeth grazing a spot slowly as one of her palms fell to rest on his chest. Her breath was heavy against his neck, and she could feel her chest rising and falling harder with every second, like a mess of cliches sweeping in all at once. "I don't know what I should do about this," she continued to mumble, biting and sucking at his neck a bit. "What should I do about this?"

[rlyansel]

heart out ☯ shansel.

[rlyansel]

It was obvious to the boy that he had left her a bit dazed and confused, but he figured that was better than leaving her pissed and kicking him out. To be honest, he had wanted to do that for a long time – though it took almost as long just for him to admit that fact to himself. When things blew apart between him and Violetta, Ansel hated the world and almost positive that there’d never be a person that could come between him and those thoughts, but yet here he was. The fact it was Shailene out of anyone else was comforting yet terrifying, considering they were so close and such important pieces in each other’s lives, and he didn’t want them to end like he and Violetta had. In school, they had once been the best of friends turned more and that’s exactly what this felt like. He had already lost one important person in his life and quite frankly he didn’t think he could make it through another if Shai and he were to ever go their separate ways – permanently. It’d be harder for them opposed to the latter considering they were in the same business and were bound to be forced together at some point or another, but there was only so many feelings, so many memories and so many urges the boy could fight about the girl. “I did,” he replies with a grin, “And while your timing was pretty shitty… I still shouldn’t have talked to you the way I did, it wasn’t cool. I was just feeling so shitty about myself and the whole situation and that just felt like one more bomb I was not ready to diffuse, so I ignored and I ignored you and I’ll never forgive myself for that – even if it was just for a month, it felt a hell of a lot longer.” He paused, exhaling a deep breath, “But I’m glad you’re happy and not kicking me in the balls or something.”

He allows her to tug her into her living room and onto her couch, somewhere that he had sat countless times and still found it as comfortable as the first. Sitting beside her he puts a hand on her knee and gives it a small squeeze; almost as if it was a test to make sure this wasn’t another pathetic scenario that he had played out in his mind, “I just thought about you, like, a lot. A sickening amount. I kept thinking about what you said and how you said it and the way you looked at me and every time I thought about what I said in return and how I just let you walk out… I get so pissed off at myself. I really adore you, and I care about you and – I just really wanted to kiss you.” He knew his wording could’ve been better, more well thought out and formed but he couldn’t even think straight, his lips still static from the kiss and all he could think about was how he wanted to do just that again. “I still don’t know how I feel about dating, but I know you’re nothing like her and while that’s really comforting, it’s still really scary,” he leans closer, one hand on the side of her face as she shakes her head, “All I know is that I do like you, and I’d give almost anything to kiss you whenever I wanted…” the level of his voice falters and is now barely above a whisper, “Like right now.” 

[noshai]

"Why's it usually end up that if one of us screws something up a bit, it's usually with the other of us right behind? I feel like this happens to us far too often. Not always on such a dramatic scale, 'course," Shai explained, talking with her hands almost as much as her words. "Me too. Being happy is a whole lot less work, if I'm honest," she shrugged, a bit of a smirk fumbling with her lips. As Ansel put a palm on her knee, the brunette's eyes darted from his hand to his face, offering a small smile before he began to explain. She nodded her head a few times throughout his explanation, his words making sense despite his constant theory that they didn't. "I never thought I'd hear those words," Shai mused once he'd finished. "Any of those, at that." There was something about Ansel's voice at a low whisper that got underneath the girl's skin in the absolutely best of ways, and she couldn't even begin to explain, but it sent a relatively unfamiliar feeling racing down her spine. "I guess you lucked out, then --," Shai quipped, her eyes sparking slightly as she spoke, "because now, if you want to, you can kiss me just about whenever. I'll happily oblige," she shrugged, as if the clarification was actually needed. Not even bothering to wait for Ansel to potentially act upon her words, Shai shook her head, sliding herself closer to him, leaving less space to exist between them. "You can't talk like that," she spoke, her tongue licking over her lips as she referenced his whispers. "You just can't."

In the next moment, Shai pressed a palm lightly into Ansel's shoulder, leaning her head up so that she could pepper a string of kisses along the boy's jawline. "I like you a lot, too, for the record" she murmured, her lips falling to his necks, where the kisses remained purposeful and her breath began to grow slightly heavier in weight. "If it wasn't obvious," she added, the words pressing into his skin as she spoke quietly, too preoccupied to ascertain whether or not he could actually hear her. Pulling her lips from his neck, Shai swung one of her legs over Ansel's frame, somewhat in his lap as a grin illuminated her features. "I don't know what to do," the brunette mused, her hands meeting either side of the boy's face. "I mean, about the technicalities. All I really know is that I'm cool with kissing you until our lips swell," she mumbled softly, her lips pressing firmly onto his with more of a roughness than their previous kisses had been. Shai was more sure of her actions now. There was less to be scared of. He'd kissed her first when he'd arrived, and she figured it was her turn -- a turn she definitely didn't mind taking.

[rlyansel]

heart out ☯ shansel.

[rlyansel]

The sole of his worn out sneaker starts tapping aimlessly and eagerly against the cement of her front porch as he waits, remembering why he hated the daunting task of waiting so much in the first place. He kept reminding himself that he didn’t deserve to be here, nor did he deserve to be heard out after all this time had passed, which is why he needed to make this count so much and just do it right the first time without stumbling over his words – which he wouldn’t even use until later. He wondered if she had thought about him as much as he did her when they were on their hiatus from each other, and that made him nervous. He didn’t want to think about whether or not she had already moved on or tried to push him out of her life completely – but if she had, he doubted that he’d be standing where he was right now. The more time dragged out, the louder the tapping of his foot got. His fingers fidgeted with the material of his jeans and he realized how many times he had played out this moment right now would go so many times over the past month and it was only in his hands how it’d go. That thought alone was terrifying but this needed to be done – he needed Shailene as a heavy presence in his life and there was simply no way around it and no way to deny it. For the first time in thirty-one days, he had heard her voice and immediately smiled, knowing that just like the day she had put her heart out on the line, he was about to do the same thing. He ignored her greeting purposefully and stepped inside her home for what seemed like the thousandth time and shut the door behind him.

He approached her, an innocent smile on his face as he looked at her that could’ve read ‘I’m proud of myself for finally realizing what you are to me’, but he didn’t want to even speak – it was a waste as he knew how absolutely shitty he was with his words. He wasn’t careless with them, but he tended not to have a filter when it came to this sort of thing and he’d rather not dig himself in a deeper hole than he was already in. Without letting another second be wasted, he pressed his hands against her waist, slowly beginning to press her back against the wall that was next to the front door and he kisses her. He had always wanted to do this, be spontaneous enough that’d it would leave a lasting impression on the person he was doing this and honestly, it felt good. Kissing Shailene wasn’t a task nor was it something he just wanted to get over – and he realized this the more he thought about how it was when he was filming with her. It wasn’t awkward, nor was it something he ever felt pressured to have to do right, it was just natural, and this went with being with her in general, too. One hand falls from her waist and cups her cheek, his lips still moving warmly and slowly against hers. As if his lips were beginning to lose feeling, he figured this was a good sign; that he was actually doing something right for once. The kiss was soft, innocent and everything Ansel felt like a real first kiss between two people to be – not rushed or forced, but just right. Pulling away, he keeps his eyes closed, afraid of the expression she’d be giving him, “Look, I could ramble pathetic apologizes but I doubt you want to hear them. It was wrong of me to just drop off the face of the earth and just ignore you… but I needed to gather by thoughts and set myself straight for how much I need you to stay in my life. And I care about you, a lot. And I just want you to be happy — even if it’s not ‘cause of me.” 

[noshai]

Shai's eyebrows couldn't help but knit together in a dazed sort of confusion as Ansel kept himself silent, shutting the door behind him like he did this casually on a daily basis, when it was more than evident that he didn't. In the following moments, his hands found Shai's waist, and she left them there, unsure of what was happening but curious enough to let it all happen. She wasn't quite aware of how, but she'd somehow ended up with her frame against the wall, and Jesus -- Ansel was kissing her, and Shai was kissing him back. It could have been nothing. For all she knew, it could've been absolutely nothing, but it felt like the universe was collapsing around the two of them, and Shai realized that if everything were to crumble right there, before her eyes and at her feet, she wouldn't care. Her lips moved against his like they'd wanted to for who knows how long, and it all felt right. That was such a weak adjective for such a strong moment, but she had no better words. "You kissed me," Shai mumbled when Ansel had broke the kiss, her thumb swiping across her lip, like she was trying to realize that it all wasn't an illusion. "You don't have to apologize, Ansel," she sighed, taking a step forward and placing a palm instinctively upon his side. "You were hurt, and my timing was literal trash -- and it all made us both explode." She nodded her head a bit, one of the corners of her mouth quirking up ever so slightly. "I'd never just walk out on you like that. Get mad and distant? Sure, but I'd never be gone for good." Her shoulders shrugging, Shai took one of Ansel's hands and intertwined their fingers loosely. "I'm pretty happy right now, given I was expecting the worst when you asked to come over," she admitted.

"Come sit with me. Please?" Shai asked, walking over to the couch, her hand still holding Ansel's. She sat down, hoping he'd follow after her, and actually sit beside him. Folding her legs underneath her, Shai licked at her lips absentmindedly, biting at the inside of her cheek in thought. "What triggered all this, Ansel? Christ, don't take that wrong with me. I'm happy you're here -- ecstatic, even -- but I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is all super unexpected. I wasn't expecting a conversation, let alone a kiss, so I'm just a bit taken aback, is all," she explained, pulling her knees into her chest and wrapping her arms around them tightly. "I just... fuck, I really liked you, you know? Wait, no. Shit. I really like you. Present tense. I just didn't even dream of reciprocation ever happening, which I'm assuming is what you were kind of getting at, with that kiss? I don't know. I'm rambling, aren't I? Fuck. Stop me, please. Shut me up, before we end up with far more casualties than it's worth," Shai almost pleaded, her head shaking in disbelief. 

[rlyansel]

heart out ☯ shansel.

Being told you were liked, genuinely liked by someone outside you family was a concept that Ansel still wasn’t used to, nor could he ever seem to wrap his head around the fact that someone could actually mean it. No matter how many times he was told by people (specifically the ones he didn’t know) that he was loved, or cared for or admired, it just never settled well with him, and he found it hard to grasp. Sure, he was flattered, and he wouldn’t consider himself a negative person or a downer per say, but he was always on his toes when it came to compliments and things of that nature simply because it just seemed like utter bullshit. So when you take his best friend, plop her in front of him and have her confess these feelings of romance for him? Well, the only plausible thing for him to do was to completely disregard it and act as if it was a spur of the moment bullshit thing out of pity for his recent loss in the relationship department. They had gone a month, a whole month without contact with Shai and he was the only one to blame. He couldn’t stand to think that she was hurting simply because he didn’t know what to say that evening before she stormed out of his house. Was he pissed? Oh, hell yeah. But he couldn’t pin the blame on her simply because there was no blame at all. The more he thought about it, the more upset he got with himself about how he reacted. Granted, he wasn’t sure if anyone who had just been dumped by their girlfriend would really react any other way. He hated the concept of love, relationship and anything more than platonic and he wasn’t sure if he’d ever get over that. Violetta wasn’t the only person that he trusted, but she certainly was the only one who held his heart at the time and there was really only one rational thing for him to do, and that was block off any sort of romantic elements from his life until he felt like he could get his shit together. So did that mean he had his shit together now? Well, certain elements. But from the time to recollect and think, Ansel had come to the conclusion that there was really only one thing to do.

Shailene had allowed him to come over and he wasn’t going to wait with another moment of hesitation. He hadn’t spoken to her in so long, he wasn’t sure what she had going on – what new projects she was working on, if any at all. But, he didn’t want the first time they saw each other again to be when promotions for Insurgent started, and he needed to fix this. Now. He had already wasted so much time, only an ass of great proportion would hurt her any more than he already had. He didn’t put much thought into his get up as he doubted it mattered and immediately took off for Shai’s place. White knuckles grip the wheel with a lead foot on the gas, testing his limits of the law and trying to speed here and there. He didn’t blow any lights or run any stop signs, but God, he was tempted to. He had kept, gathered, collected and reviewed all his thoughts from this point out, and had even taken to starting a journal of sorts to keep them organized and to keep himself in check. He didn’t deserve her time, but he had himself in order now, and while that wasn’t fair, he was ready to show her – or much less tell her all that he had come to learn. He crookedly parks in her driveway, not caring as long as he didn’t hit her own vehicle or any of her property, and jumps out, keys in hand as he slowly jogs to the front door before eager knocks grace the wood. As long as it had taken him, he was finally ready.

[noshai]

There was something to be said about a person who wore their heart on their sleeve, but there was even more to be said about an individual that ripped their heart off their sleeve, wrapped it up, and offered it to someone they cared about. That's exactly what Shai had done a month prior, and it'd plagued her mind ever since. There was no easy way to deal with rejection -- you just had to pick up the pieces, and keep going -- but Shai was having an exceptionally difficult time attempting to forgive herself for blurting out something so serious in such a tense time. Maybe, her softness was her hamartia. Maybe, the world had brought her to a softness that inevitability made her break in tense situations by speaking her mind with the best of intentions, only for them to backfire later. Regardless, Shai was still beside herself in regards to how she was going to tackle this Ansel situation, for lack of a better title for it. That's why it came to her as such a shock that he'd not only reached out to her via text message, but also asked permission to come over. Shai's initial reaction was to not reply -- to end the source of the lack of clarity before it grew even closer -- but she couldn't. There wasn't a simple cut-and-dry explanation as to why. She just couldn't. So, consequently, she'd texted him back promptly, confidently telling him to come over while her stomach, cliche enough, tangled itself in knots. Shai was known for her decisions that were stuck right in the middle of good ones, as well as bad ones -- but maybe, this one would turn out right somehow.

There wasn't much for Shai to do other than wait, her slightly wrinkled t-shirt and jeans clinging to her frame as she filled to the brim with anxiety. Seeing someone after a month is always something special -- but when you're seeing a boy who erupted after you told him your feelings for him... well, that was something else. The brunette's bare feet trailed about her living room as she began to pace, a hand occasionally running through her short hair in anticipation for what could be a conversation to make everything better or wreck it even further. Mentally preparing herself for both, it was only a few moments after she'd begun to calm down that she heard a string of firm knocks on the door. They weren't an incriminating kind, but they were the kind that spoke that they were here for a purpose -- so, it had to be Ansel. Fuck, Shai muttered underneath her breath, shaking her head to dismiss all thoughts as she walked towards the door slowly, right foot over left. As she approached the handle, she undid the lock, the light clicking sound sending shivers down her spine. Shai twisted the handle swiftly, tugging the door into her chest, displaying Ansel standing on her front porch. "Hi," the brunette mumbled, her voice soft as she rested her head against the side of the door. "You can come in. I mean, if you want," she added, her shoulders lightly shrugging as she stepped back from the door, walking inside and assuming Ansel would follow, despite the fact that she had absolutely no idea what he'd do.

[noshai]

text ✉ shai.

Ansel: I've had a lot of time to think.

Ansel: If you'd like to hear what I have to say, then this is where I ask permission to come over. If you don't then... I get it.

Shai : Come over.

[noshai]

text ✉ shai.

Ansel: Alright then.

Shai: I don't know what to do or say about this anymore, Ans. What the hell do I do?

[noshai]

text ✉ shai.

Ansel: Maybe talking will help.

Ansel: Can't help but feel like it's my fault...

Ansel: I don't know. You dropped me with a fucking bomb and I didn't mean to react negatively? But... what would you have done differently?

Shai : Good to know you're still alive.

[emiliaclark-deactivated20150217]

You forget that you do choose your life and there are so many things to be grateful for and I feel like society has gotten to that point where we’re always looking for the next and the better and we lose sight of what’s actually in front of us.

[fuckyeahdamose]

[noshai]

Shailene Woodley and Jack O’Connell - Nine Kisses Project (x)

[noshai]

text ✉ shai.

Ansel: Why you're feeling empty?

Shai : I wish I knew.

[noshai]

text ✉ shai.

Ansel: Shouldn't it feel better that you don't have that weight on your shoulders, like a relief? I guess I just wish I understood more.

Shai : What don't you understand?

[noshai]

text ✉ shai.

Ansel: Because you did it when you were feeling and I don't think you can really wait when it comes to that.

Shai : Is it weird I feel empty now, in a sense? Like, I had that to carry around and stuff, sort of filling me up. Now, it's just like -- blank. This is weird. Can we talk about something else?

[noshai]

text ✉ shai.

Ansel: I don't think so.

Shai : How do you figure?

[noshai]

text ✉ shai.

Ansel: Why do you say that?

Shai : There was a better time and place.