Not-Alpharious

Wazzit?

[not-alpharious]

You know… if you make the argument that the ancient Egyptian pantheon was one of the oldest examples of furries, then there’s only one conclusion that can be drawn.

Akhenaten was history’s first anti-fur

[vezimira]

[not-alpharious]

Fabius bile is the kind of guy who would insist on wearing proper PPE before going into surgery but all of his equipment is made of stitched together barely decontaminated human skin

[not-alpharious]

Having read Moby Dick and knowing nothing else about him, two claims I feel confident in making about Herman Melville are:

1. Whatever he was, he wasn’t straight

2. That boy had autism like you wouldn’t believe and his special interest was whaling ships

[not-alpharious]

I really hope that when Space Marine II comes out they let you choose Titus’ pronouns just to fuck with this guy specifically

[not-alpharious]

A lot of people tend to think that the Carcharodons were created after GW retconned the Space Sharks because their chapter name was too silly for the more serious tone 40K had adopted but this is wrong. Both SM chapter exist simultaneously and Tyberos and who ever the hell the chapter master of the Space Sharks is are boyfriends. I don’t make the rules, they just appear in my head as thoughts and I arbitrarily enforce them, sorry.

[not-alpharious]

Screw overpowered harem Isekai #13585, give me an Isekai about an anthropologist who goes around generally being a massive nerd and learning about the various cultures and people in the new world. Give me a story that’s like 60% world building with 40% well written memorable characters that act as a Lense to see various aspects of the fantasy culture through.

Make the conflicts range from relatively minor cultural misunderstandings to full on moral dilemmas. Like how this culture regularly practices something I find morally abhorrent but do I really have the right to enforce my own cultural morality on them? Stuff like that.

[not-alpharious]

I like to think the Emperor is gender-fluid.

I mean, he’s a gestalt being made up of who knows how many early human psykers, and presumably the gender make up there was roughly 50/50. So it would make sense that every so often the Emperor would get sick of being one gender or the other and use their mastery over biomancy to trans his/her/their gender on the spot.

Now obviously GW would never do that because they’re a bunch of cowards but just imagine how hilarious if it would be if the Emperor finally sent out a single message to the collective whole of humanity but all it was was,

+ THIS IS FEELING LIKE A PUSSY OUT KIND OF MILLENIUM, EMPRESS OF MANKIND OUT *psychically manifested sound of a microphone being dropped on the floor* +

With zero follow up or warning before hand except to rip open minor warp tears on anyone who purposefully misgendered her after the announcement

[not-alpharious]

Does the Fire Warrior novelization also include every damn Imperial Guardsman only ever saying "it's quiet?" Or the Chaos Raptors running at you while making bird noises?

Or the drunk guns? The drunk guns are probably the most important part of Fire Warrior.

Unfortunately no, and he doesn’t shatter his shoulder into dust trying to fire a bolter either but nothing can be perfect

[not-alpharious]

The Fire Warrior novelization is wild

For anyone who doesn’t know, Fire Warrior was a game from 2003 where you play as a Tau Fire Warrior trying to rescue a kidnapped ethereal before it’s revealed that the planetary governor that kidnapped the ethereal was secretly a chaos cultist and you have to deal with that too.

What’s more unusual though is that the game actually had a novel tie in and it’s wild. It’s not perfect obviously, there’s a lot of parts where it skips from the main character, Shas’la Kais, starting to do something to after it’s been done with maybe a fight scene with the boss. But to be fair it is a novelization of the game and constant variations “He then turned the hallway and shot some guys” would get old fast.

What’s even more wild is that the book treats everything you do in game as something Kais actually does. As a result Kais becomes this freakishly hyper competent killing machine fueled almost purely by daddy issues. Like he is a genuine blood drenched cryptid and there’s practically no characters that aren’t at least slightly terrified of him. And that is not an exaggeration.

Like from everyone else’s perspective Kais is just a fresh recruit on his first ever battlefield and out of nowhere he’s gunning down hundreds of guardsmen. He takes out a tank with a hijacked imperial turret, kills an attack helicopter single handedly, saves the ethereal completely by himself from a heavily fortified prison, two shots a space marine, fights off two attempted boardings of his ship (which includes killing four more space marines completely by himself), counterboards the Imperial ship where he kills even more space marines and even more hundreds of guardsmen crippled the ship with a bomb and nearly kills the entire command crew all by himself, fights off a demonic invasion in the ship while completely lost to his blood rage, cripples the imperial ship even more, killing who knows how many CSM and demons the entire time, solos a chaos dreadnought, goes back to the planet to kill even more chaos marines and demons, fights his way through a titan to blow it up, solos a warp spawn, and a demon prince, falls to Khorne for a bit and eventually even kills a greater demon.

Within the book the entire time he’s doing all this he never has a mech or supplies, he’s constantly forced to fight God with guns and ammo he’s scavenged from the countless corpses he’s left in his wake. He rocks up to the Tau ship in orbit before he sneaks into the prison literally drenched in human blood and there’s nothing they can do about it because he’s basically the single best person at killing in their entire army at this point

These are all the things he does in the book because he does them in the game and it’s a just amazing to see the rest of the world react to this video game character played straight. Usually in other game novelizations, the sheer number of enemies your guy kills is usually brought way down and is just chalked up to the enemy numbers being inflated in the game for the sake of gameplay. But Fire Warrior decided to say fuck that, our blorbo really is just this much of a hyper competent war criminal and you should fear for your IRL life.

And honestly?

I don’t think I could respect them more for that decision.

[transmechanicus]

Love the idea of Loyalists from the Traitor Legions who still specifically follow the teachings of their Primarchs. World Eaters rampaging through Traitor installations, killing all they find, roaring condemnations against betraying the Emperor. Night Lords who consider betrayal to be a sin of such grievous magnitude that enemy Astartes must be pushed to such extremes they will feel fear again. Death Guard performing toxic scorched earth campaigns, originating the phrase “This world will belong to the Emperor, or to no one at all”. Iron Warriors crushing Traitor fortresses, gritting their teeth through severe injuries to bring down these mockeries of the fortresses they spent so long raising during the Crusade. Emperor’s Children who aspire to perfection as exemplars of the Emperor’s ideal Astartes, who consider turning against Him to be a fundamental rejection of that goal, and a stain that must be excised. Word Bearers who still believe in the divinity of the Emperor and take it as their duty to raze the dark temples and monuments of their fallen kin. Sons of Horus who know the importance of the decapitation strike and hurl themselves in countless assassination attempts on Horus himself. Alpha Legionnaires who fake their betrayal only to sabotage and deceive the traitor war effort from within, taking recruits and supplies from other Alpha Legion cells only to turn them towards the disruption of the other heads of the Hydra.

[not-alpharious]

Angron is the most moral primarch, and that’s what makes him the most evil.

Like any primarch, he seems pretty easy to understand on the surface level, Perturabo is bitter, Rubberstamp Government is a dyed in the wool bureaucrat, Magnus is a nerd, and Angron is a blood drunk sociopath. But like any good psychotic, blood drenched onion, Angron has layers.

For one, to put it mildly, his childhood kinda sucked. He was enslaved by a brutal dictatorship to fight as a gladiator, even as he began to empathize with his fellow slaves and see them as his family. This would all come to a head when he would refuse to kill his pseudo foster father, Oenomaus.

As punishment for his humanity, he was implanted with the butcher’s nails, ancient technology that would cause him unimaginable agony for every second he wasn’t killing something. And kill things he would, murdering his foster father before he would even realize what he was doing. That would be the first time he broke, and it certainly wasn’t the last.

Eventually, he would breakout from slavery with his gladiator family, fighting a doomed guerilla war against the High Riders who had better weapons, more men, and more supplies than Angron would ever have hoped to have had himself. And so it was until the Emperor finally found him.

Unlike every other primarch before or after him, though, Angron would refuse to join the Emperor. he knew exactly who the Emperor was. Just another high rider, covering himself in gold and ideology as a shield to cover what he was. So, the Emperor kidnapped him, leaving Angron’s family to be slaughtered by the high riders thinking he had abandoned them in their last hour.

This would be the second time Angron broke. He had lost everything, his family, his purpose, even his will to live. All he had left was the nails, always silently digging into his brain. He would become a butcher for the Emperor, a bloody tool for the very same idea he had once put his life on the line to fight against.

All throughout the Great Crusade, Angron would be unique amongst his brothers in that he never had any illusion about what the Emperor was, no matter the rhetoric his “father” would use to cover it up. However, despite that, he was still the worst among all the primarchs, barring perhaps Curze. He knew what he was doing was wrong, that it was the very thing his family had died trying to fight, but he didn’t care any more. He knew what the Emperor was and hated him for it, and he knew what he was and hated himself for it, but by then all he wanted was for the pain to go away and to die a warriors death in the process.

Angron was the most moral of all his brothers, and that’s exactly why he was the most evil. He knew what he was doing was wrong but he did it anyway to sate his blood lust. So maybe its fitting that he was cursed for all eternity to stay the thing he had let himself become instead of dying to the Emperor in a battle to kill the greatest and the worst highrider of them all the very first day he was taken from his true family.

[not-alpharious]

Concept: Thaumaturgists vs Wizards

A thaumaturgist, a scientist in the field of magic, extensively studying it down to a molecular level, releasing pure reviewed research papers on the nature and chemical make up of runes, or the specific places to put magical tattoos to get the mathematically most potent results. Entire think tanks on how to procure a self sustaining source of genie magic to act as an infinite source of energy or as a reality warping WMD.

vs.

Your classic wizard, who relies on mysticism, ‘common sense’ (although this can vary wildly from wizard to wizard) and of course a pointy hat to use their magic. Eye of newt? Ah well I’m out of that, but I do have this whole fish here, make up some new rhyme and it’ll probably do just fine. Intent and belief is what matters most. Scientific method? Well now that’s just hogwash. I can summon an enslaved demon in over fifteen different ways I didn’t need to spend eight years in school for that!

Of course, the two absolutely *hate* each other. Thaumaturgists see wizards as superstitious idiots and conmen who actively hold back the study and true understanding of magic. Meanwhile, wizards just look at thaumaturgists as stuck up assholes with an intellectual superiority complex that have completely lost sight of the spirit, and fun, of magic.

[not-alpharious]

Half-Life is a lot funnier if you imagine that Gordon also had no idea what he was capable of before Black Mesa got invaded. Like he stays in shape for health reasons and maybe went hunting a few times with his dad when he was a kid, and then everything goes to shit.

So then this nerdy MIT graduate who‘s only ever held a hunting rifle at best is soloing entire fire teams of highly train military spec ops soldiers and extra dimensional aliens while basically panicking the entire time.

*Singlehandedly fighting off hundreds of soldiers sent to kill everything in Black Mesa and an alien invasion while mentally screaming to himself the whole time* “how the fuck am I doing this?! How the fuck am I doing this?! HowthefuckamIdoingthis?! HOWTHEFUCKAMIDOINGTHIS?!”

[not-alpharious]

So why should you sell your soul to me? Well, I might not have cosmic powers but I can be *very* determined. Plus, it’s not like the competition is all that great. Satans a backstabbing prick and let’s face it, Gods not much better. So sell your soul to me and see your wildest dreams as fulfilled as humanly possible, no strings attached!

[not-alpharious]

I’m new to Danganronpa so I don’t know how common this is, but I absolutely love just how obviously unequal the ultimates can be between each other. Like,

“Hey, what’s your ultimate ability?”

“Well, I’m the ultimate physicist. I’ve created the most fuel efficient and fast method of space travel currently possible. Although, I have a full team of some of the smartest scientists in the world working under me to help break the light speed barrier. Once we’ve done that, there’s nothing humanity can’t do!”

“Oh... ha ha... that’s uh, pretty cool.”

“Oh, and that’s my friend over there, she’s the ultimate diplomat. She was able to end all conflict around the globe!”

*under their breathe* “Oh of course she did.”

“Right now she’s trying to unite every country on earth into a single united country so that everyone can work together for the betterment of mankind! She’s awesome! Oop! I’m sorry for going off like that, so what was your ultimate?”

“Oh it’s nothing too special. Forget about it. How’s about we go talk to some other people?”

“Ah, come on! It’s your ultimate! I gotta know what it is!”

“Uh... I’m the ultimate *unintelligable*”

“Sorry I didn’t hear you, what was that again?”

“I’m the... I’m the ultimate uh... I’m the ultimate jigsaw puzzle solver.”

[not-alpharious]

Do you ever wish you were a pagan god? Like not a petty or disproportionately punishing god. Just like an eternal being that wanders around telling stories and helping out normal everyday people in small ways.

Going to help a struggling farmer as a free labourer, and before the farmer even knows it, his fields have been plowed and seeded in half the time it normally takes. In the evenings you go into the town square where all of the children and almost all of the adults gather to hear your stories.

Through out the night you tell tales so vivid and moving that your audience swears that at some points they can hear the sounds of the characters talking and catch wiffs of the scents your words created. Your characters are so well loved that their tragedies make even the most stoic of the townsfolk mourn for them openly and without shame while their successes make the whole square burst into cheers and celebration that take minutes to quite down again.

At the end of the planting season, you leave without telling anyone, a mysterious and beloved traveler that came and made the town just a little brighter with your prescence. Just before you leave, you make sure to sprinkle small blessings through out the town. Making the crops grow just a little bit stronger and everyone just a little happier. Never even knowing they lived with a god among them.