This is going to be a post about physical abuse specifically, don’t read if you can’t handle descriptions of what violence feels to a child. Tw for violence and child abuse.
Most of violence I was put thru as a child included terror, because that was the point, to make me feel like I’m about to be killed. And I felt it, my abusers always seemed so crazy, enraged and out of control, they didn’t seem like they cared if they broke my limb or snapped my neck, and they would even scream about how much they wanted to kill me while beating me. At first I was fighting back, because I couldn’t stand being controlled by violence. But fighting back would enrage them even more, and lead to a few times I believed they came very close to killing me. So I started to freeze in panic when faced with violence. My survival instincts would no longer allow me to fight back, because it meant risking death. I couldn’t do anything, and I hated myself for it. I felt weak and powerless. And that was the point of it. By facing me with near-death experience, they made sure I wouldn’t be able to resist or fight back. By screaming how much they wanted me dead, they made sure I was in death fear for as long as they were around. This was done on purpose, by an adult, to be able to beat a child, without experiencing any resistance.
Now one of the problems I have that makes it impossible for me to recover is: I can’t remember the pain. I can’t remember how it felt, or how my injuries looked like. I remember as a kid I refused to feel the pain. I would chant “I don’t feel it, I don’t feel it”, or even hurt myself worse, just so I wouldn’t be able to feel the pain and injuries inflicted on me. I thought, if I don’t feel it, then it wont work, and I will no longer be controlled by violence. Or maybe I just couldn’t handle knowing my closest family members would do this to me.
But now I can no longer exist correctly in my body.
I am always dissociated from my limbs. I can’t keep their form in my mind. I don’t know what my limbs look like. Even when looking at them, I can’t remember them. I feel repulsed by them. And sometimes I get intrusive images that show me that under my skin, my flesh is rotting. I feel chronic pain in all muscles. I’m wondering if that’s the pain of physical abuse, coming back in waves.
What I’m feeling makes sense, because if I was able to remember, and feel my limbs, I would have to be aware that I’m living in a body that’s been tortured. I can’t live with that. I would want to get out of my body immediately. So this might be the only way for me to keep existing. My own body feels like something dangerous, because it contains the memories that might just end me. I don’t want to be in a body this was done to. I don’t think anyone would.
I wonder if anyone else struggles with the same symptoms. And I think, we should talk about it. It should be known what violence to children does to their lives. It should be known that none of this will be ever forgiven.
