✨ hi, i'm nova! i'm 21+, queer, and mentally ill, and this is my rants blog where i will be blabbering about random things in my life, opinions, experiences, etc. my main blog is @nova-alien, so i will like posts and follow from there.
✨ THIS BLOG IS 18+. if you are a minor who chooses to interact/follow anyway, i'm blocking your ass.
✨ if you came across this blog because of this post and are looking for more judaism-related content, please go to my blog @nova-alien-jewposting! please keep in mind that it is for JEWS ONLY.
✨ please note that here i discuss topics having to do with mental illness, including but not limited to DID, cluster B personality disorders, ADHD, autism, C-PTSD, queerness, abuse, psychosis, chronic illness, 18+ things, and more. this blog is my safe space to freely talk about such things, so if you're uncomfortable with any of it you have no obligation to stick around.
✨ if you're more interested in seeing system-related content, please go to my blog @nova-alien-sysblog. alters will not reveal who wrote what or who is fronting for which posts on other blogs.
✨ i might be super active on this blog for a bit, and at other times remain somewhat silent! chances are i'm either on a different blog or another site entirely. i'm still around regardless!
✨ if you're more curious about me, see my main carrd and personal carrd!
✨ i don't have any tolerance for bullshit and if i don't want you interacting with me, i will not hesitate to block you. feel free to do the same to me lol
i spoke to some friends i'm close with about this, but i need to get out of that echo chamber i think.
someone i had been friends with for a long time pushed me away and it's really fucked me up for all this time. i tried to act like everything was fine and okay, but i just. i don't know. i'm not sure what to do or if the situation is worth continuing to sink my effort into.
i've been extremely busy, stressed, and unwell these past few months. i would routinely talk about how guilty i felt from not being able to be as active online anymore, and i was reassured everything was okay. i felt really scared of being told i'm selfish or mean or a bad friend because i'm busy with irl shit.
this friend had been going through something horrible and they had posted about it on tumblr i think, but at the time i was drowning in work and wasn't checking any social media at all. i was too busy and exhausted all the time.
anyway, when i found out i felt terrible and wanted to try comforting them, and i guess they were really going through it because they yelled at me and said how people didn't care about their situation...? i mean, i couldn't speak for others, but i was literally trying to say something nice because i cared... i didn't even get to finish ;;
i spoke to their partner about it and they said to give this friend time especially because they're also dealing a lot with some other personal and irl issues. so i was like okay, i'll wait a few weeks, i'll just send them cute funny stuff and try to talk to them in DMs.
and then out of nowhere this friend just... disappeared? they moved accounts without even telling me? i eventually tried reaching out to their partner about it because i got really worried, but no response... i just don't know what to do anymore. about any of this.
i'm not going to state who this is, i just needed to get this out. i love this person so so dearly. they were such a huge important part of my life, and i really miss seeing their daily rants about whatever they were interested in. i got into all sorts of cool media because of them and we had really interesting discussions on deep topics.
they were so chill and accepting and kind... i just don't know where i went wrong or what specifically i did. i really wish i could make amends with this person somehow, but it feels like they're specifically trying to get rid of me...? i don't even know.
i just wish i knew why this happened and if there's anything i can do to fix it, or if i should stop trying. i really don't want to stop trying. i don't want to lose them... fuck, idk where i'm going with this anymore. fuck. i wish i would stop getting ghosted by people i love...
soooo update, turns out this person kinda. actually sucks. which is really upsetting for me because i thought so highly of them for such a long time.
all of a sudden they got super into south park. which isn't really bad on its own imo, people can engage in controversial content as long as they separate fiction from reality, etc. SP isn't my cup of tea but whatever. but anyway, i just learned from a friend that this person takes the antisemitism in the show and just... rolls with it? to the point of reblogging really weird shit about it and i just. ugh.
very disheartening for me because it seems for some reason that every person i've lost is just fucking incapable of being normal about jews. or even just showing the same level of basic respect as other people. i really don't think it's that hard.
this person also randomly soft blocked me, so neither of us are following each other. but honestly that was the icing on the cake. i don't want to follow them or associate with them anymore after this. knowing how they blew up their own social life and then seeing them wonder why they had no one to talk to them was also pretty interesting.
they also have a pretty bad jealousy problem? like, being jealous of me, my accomplishments, my friends, my life. which is just very confusing to me because i'm not that special, nor is what i'm doing. but i think they just hate the fact that my life doesn't revolve around them which is pretty weird considering they didn't put much effort into reaching out to me anyway. whatever. my life isn't going to stop for just one (1) person lol
i really genuinely tried to remain their friend, but if they're just going to act shitty, unreasonable, and mean then i can't really do anything. it makes me really sad because this was someone i knew for eight years of my life. i grew up with them, so now that i've outgrown them it's just a weird feeling. i dunno. maybe they'll heal and we'll reconnect someday. but for now, i need to keep living, even if they hate the fact that i can't obsess over them anymore
i spoke to some friends i'm close with about this, but i need to get out of that echo chamber i think.
someone i had been friends with for a long time pushed me away and it's really fucked me up for all this time. i tried to act like everything was fine and okay, but i just. i don't know. i'm not sure what to do or if the situation is worth continuing to sink my effort into.
i've been extremely busy, stressed, and unwell these past few months. i would routinely talk about how guilty i felt from not being able to be as active online anymore, and i was reassured everything was okay. i felt really scared of being told i'm selfish or mean or a bad friend because i'm busy with irl shit.
this friend had been going through something horrible and they had posted about it on tumblr i think, but at the time i was drowning in work and wasn't checking any social media at all. i was too busy and exhausted all the time.
anyway, when i found out i felt terrible and wanted to try comforting them, and i guess they were really going through it because they yelled at me and said how people didn't care about their situation...? i mean, i couldn't speak for others, but i was literally trying to say something nice because i cared... i didn't even get to finish ;;
i spoke to their partner about it and they said to give this friend time especially because they're also dealing a lot with some other personal and irl issues. so i was like okay, i'll wait a few weeks, i'll just send them cute funny stuff and try to talk to them in DMs.
and then out of nowhere this friend just... disappeared? they moved accounts without even telling me? i eventually tried reaching out to their partner about it because i got really worried, but no response... i just don't know what to do anymore. about any of this.
i'm not going to state who this is, i just needed to get this out. i love this person so so dearly. they were such a huge important part of my life, and i really miss seeing their daily rants about whatever they were interested in. i got into all sorts of cool media because of them and we had really interesting discussions on deep topics.
they were so chill and accepting and kind... i just don't know where i went wrong or what specifically i did. i really wish i could make amends with this person somehow, but it feels like they're specifically trying to get rid of me...? i don't even know.
i just wish i knew why this happened and if there's anything i can do to fix it, or if i should stop trying. i really don't want to stop trying. i don't want to lose them... fuck, idk where i'm going with this anymore. fuck. i wish i would stop getting ghosted by people i love...
HOW TO MOVE FORWARD AND BECOME BETTER AFTER BEING ABUSIVE
Hello, I'm Abyssal, I am a highly traumatized individual who was abused severely in many different ways;
I'm also someone who abused other individuals in many different ways, scarred others and overall was horrible (check my pinned post if you want details);
I've search for a long time for something that would help me walk forward after realizing that i was abusive in my past, but I never found anything that wasn't either people downplaying their actions or other people harassing people who want to get better;
So if you were abused and you became an abuser, regardless of your reasoning (especially if you struggle with compulsions (moral OCD)), this post is for you!
(Disclaimer: this post has as basis my own experiences, experiences from close friends and my own understanding of the world, i'm not a therapist nor a professional at anything ever, and this post comes from the lenses of an abused person who abused others;
disclaimer 2: this post is NOT pro-abuse, abuse is never okay and that's not the intention of this post.)
[steps start after cut!]
Recognize that human beings are multifaceted creatures, and so are their situations
Just because you were once abusive doesn't mean you are forever only an abusive person, same goes for being a victim. You can still be a victim of trauma even if you were abusive, and you can still be abusive even if you were a victim of trauma, those two things are not mutually exclusive.
Also, in some situations, the lines between victim and abuser can be blurred, two people can be mutually abusive (intentionally or accidentally) or there can be a power at play, recognizing the nuances of your situation doesn't make you a bad person, but you still need to work on your part of the blame.
2. You can still be angry at your abuser, and your victim can too.
Weren't you devastated when you were abused? Weren't you angry? Sad? Ranting your heart out? Feeling a lot? You can still feel those things and you are entitled to these feelings!
However, recognize that your victim can also feel the same way, you are the villain in their story, no matter how redeemed you are, don't devalue them for being angry and expressing it.
3. Take accountability on what you actually did wrong, and don't overstep it.
What do i mean by that? Take accountability for what you actually did wrong, if a story has things that aren't right, don't take accountability for lies, only for what actually happened. Sometimes our own malignant coping mechanisms from being traumatized before can make us try to assume fault for things we didn't do, don't do that, be honest.
That also means that you shouldn't go out of your way to hunt down your victims socials to try and apologize if they clearly are uncomfortable with you, that will only make YOU feel better, respect your victim right to be away from you.
4. On a similar note: erase the victim from your life.
After you took accountability for your actions, disappear from the victims life, that means do not look at their socials, do not go after them (even if you have good intentions), do not mention their name, don't expose them further.
5. Don't accept harassment (and recognize what is actual harassment and what is your victim expressing themselves).
Harassment is never okay (especially after you took accountability), if you are being harassed over things, you can still block accounts, close asks, refuse to answer asks and be entitled to your privacy, especially if its something open on the internet (advice from my therapist!).
HOWEVER, you need to remember what actually is harassment.
Harassment is:
Malicious messages/asks being sent directly to you or your friends telling you to do bad things to yourself, calling you names, or overall causing you harm that doesn't come from a constructive place.
Being spammed with harmful content and comments in your social media
Direct mentions of your name followed by threats and abusive comments, especially that can leave you open to more harassment
Harassment is NOT:
Indirect vents/rants about your past behaviors or how your victim feels.
Your victim venting about things in detail in private for their friends and closed ones
6. The consequences of your actions and your guilt are the "punishment".
Whipping yourself and wanting to be punished for your actions can be a reocurring feeling, but you don't have to punish yourself further, the guilt of what you did and the consequences to those actions speak enough.
7. Accept the rough truth that you will always be the villain of your victim's story and their social group.
For your victim, you will be a monster, the same way your own abuser is, for you, a monster, and you can't change that fact, but that doesn't mean that you don't deserve to live a nice and fulfilling life after recognizing what you did.
Those friendships and relationships you ruined will not come back, this is a hard pill to swallow but it's the truth, now the best you can do is to try to be a better person in someone else's story, including your own.
8. Being on both shoes can make you humanize your abusers more, but don't doubt for a second that you were hurt.
When we end up in the "hurt" side of the situation, we can become really quick to justify what our own abusers did to us. Yes, your abusers are humans who could've come from a harsh upbringing too, but that doesn't mean what they did to you was justified, the same way your actions are not justified just because you were hurt, you're still allowed to be upset.
9. You are not a bad person.
You recognize your harm? You tried your best to take accountability? You are trying to better yourself? So you're not a bad person, period, even if your brain can be the meanest place in the world, that doesn't define who you are, you could be cartoony villain levels of evil in your head, but your actions are what matter.
10. Search help.
Therapy (if you can afford), meditation, DBT worksheets, keep your friends close. Keep taking care of yourself, keep living, keep trying to be better.
11. The internet is not your friend.
Don't go ruminating on reddit posts trying to find comfort, the internet is full of people who only think about their own perspective of things, yes you can find nice people in here, but don't depend on it (and if you suffer from compulsions / OCD, the internet can make your life worse, social media loves to feed compulsions.
12. You are actively trying to police yourself and better yourself, relax.
For my dears who are constantly having overwhelming fear of repeating the abuse by accident: you now know better, you can do better, i believe in you!
Toxic behaviors and abusive tendencies don't just disappear, you might have relapses, but you are actively trying to better yourself, just don't give up on trying to change, respect people's boundaries, build healthy boundaries, build a healthy space and keep on moving forward.
13. Friends who agree with everything you do, even the wrong things, are not good friends.
Real friends will not justify your abusive behavior, real friends will believe in your betterment and improvement, but they will not pretend that your harmful behavior never existed, if you are surrounded by "yes-man", those people are enabling you, find a healthier space as quick as you can.
14. Explanations are important, just be careful with excuses.
If a behavior can be explained by an abuse you suffered, a disorder, a social struggle, etc... That's great to learning about the roots of the problem! Just be careful to not use those things to completely exclude your responsibility from your behaviors.
15. Reprehending abusive behavior does not make you a hypocrite, it makes you into a changed person.
If you feel the need to speak up about the harms of abuse, you are still allowed to do so, that doesn't make you a hypocrite, that shows that you understand the harms of your past and are trying to make an active change.
16. On the same heartbeat, being kind doesn't make you a impostor (but don't become a doormat).
Try your best to be kind and lovely as your heart allows you to, but don't accept to be abused because of your past, no one deserves abuse, including you.
At the end of the day, what can make your life better is:
Taking accountability and recognizing your wrongs.
Learning with guilt but not letting it take over your life.
Have a nuance approach to situations.
Treat your own traumas.
Allow yourself to be kind.
Create healthy boundaries and sense of self.
Leave your victim(s) alone.
I hope this post can do something good for people out there who are trying to be better, know that I believe in you and i'm rooting for you!!
I know this might make people mad, but absolutely refusing to even attempt to treat your mental illness, and instead just endlessly inflicting your unmitigated episodes on the people around you, is abusive. Your loved ones are not stress toys that you can just squeeze every time you feel bad. It is bad if someone says your repeated behavior is hurting them, and you take no steps to change. I know damn well that you can’t always help how your brain acts, but I’ve also spent a lot of years trying to stop my spiraling brain in its tracks, work on strategies to calm down, and consider the impact I’m having on others, because I grew up in a household with people who have the attitude of, “I have the right to consume all the attention in the house and drain your energy every single day because I feel miserable, and you’re the bad guy if you say that I’m making you feel bad and that I need to get help. I can treat you however I want because of my anxiety.”
Nothing is more attractive than neediness. You really want me that badly that you're getting all pathetic over it? You're practically humping my leg you poor thing, aren't you embarrassed of yourself? Especially if they're possesive. How am I supposed to resist when a cute sub is begging me to own them? I stg trying to be a hard dom is so hard when cute, needy subs are my weakness
The pipeline of "I'm a empath against evil narcissists" to "wait narcissists are just people with NPD, that's not nice to say" to "wait i actually really struggle with empathy" to "oh fuck I have NPD" is really fucking funny to me in specific
Manipulating people for attention is a huge tendency of mine, but once received, it often feels artificial and less meaningful. Because it is. This is why you might see a narcissist refuse the validation they explicitly asked for. I want it so badly, but I want the real thing. Not something that’s only provided through force or because I wanted it. I need people to love me like its religion, but I need that to happen by their own choice. Otherwise, is the love really worth anything?
i think one of the worst parts of NPD is that i genuinely have no idea how to distinguish if my emotional reaction is appropriate because what happened was genuinely fucked up, or if my reaction is being disproportionate to something i think is fucked up but really is just my ego speaking. and i can't just ask people to help me figure it out because it would be so easy for them to manipulate me in that situation. they could say whatever they want and i'm so desperate to not be a self-centered scumbag that i'd believe them. i fucking hate this miserable disease
npd culture is sometimes ‘i deserve better treatment but clearly they’re treating me like this because they can sense that im evil in my soul, and so, in a way, i deserve the bad treatment’
ugh. i relate to this so much, anon.
that's also part of why i hate "a REAL NARC wouldn't CARE THAT THEY'RE A NARC."
of course i care. im mentally ill and i would like to know more about how to address that, actually.
i want to break the cycle so badly. i don't genuinely enjoy hurting others. i like power, and i have a mean streak. but i do not love the fact that i cause pain to others. because others have caused pain to me, and i know how bad that is. do i deserve it? do the people i hurt deserve it? no, no. no one deserves it.
