This is so much, god. I think John did want to be liked (wanted it pretty badly, even), but he convinced himself early on that he was a fundamentally unlikable person and that being earnest was a risk. I mean, think about how so many people who knew him described him as being withdrawn around new people. And when he was being loud and abrasive instead, the goal was likely to push everyoneās buttons as hard as he could in order to
a) force them to run away before he started to care about them, or
b) prove they were tolerant enough of his bullshit that it was safe for him to get or remain attached without risking his absolute worst fear, abandonment
Since most people are fucking normal and donāt like being around people who do rude shit for no reason, he got a lot of negative responses reinforcing his narrative that he was a difficult person to like, and he got a lot of practice shrugging off rejection in a way that looked very much like Not Caring What People Think. People loved him for being cool and indifferent, even though it was ultimately a pose he adopted to deal with the fear that he was unlovable.
Paul though. Paul is used to being able to win people over, even when they donāt immediately take to him. Heās been good at it his whole life and views it as a learned skill accomplished as a result of his choices, rather than something outside of his control, so if he canāt make it happen when he really wants to, that feels like a personal failure rather than just a Thing That Happens Sometimes. Shit, thatās how he views nearly everything; most of Paulās life has been defined by him getting anything he wants (seriously, ANYTHING) as long as heās sufficiently persistent about pursuing it, and because he is at heart a ten year old who wants a gold star on his book report, this has rarely been a problem for him.
When it is a problem, though, he just tries harder. Sometimes this works, but sometimes watching someone try harder to be liked is mortifying. People donāt like to watch other people be embarrassing; even in a friendly and kind way. Secondhand embarrassment is a bitch like that.
Anyway. youāve got a guy whoās lonely because he demands proof that people can handle him before heāll invest real feelings in them and who seems to enjoy being pursued because it provides that proof, and a guy with a stubborn desire for approval and an even more stubborn discomfort with failure. So when they get together, John gets a reassuringly solid friendship with a person whoās hard to chase away and isnāt too proud to keep demonstrating his loyalty, and Paul gets the ultimate gold star: approval from a person whose affections and moods are notoriously unpredictable.
If youāre consumed with anxiety at the prospect of being rejected by someone you love, youāre probably going to fall ass over teakettle for the guy who demands to be your right hand man as many times as it takes to make it happen and who finds your ugly traits lovable. And if you really, really want to be liked, thereās no better evidence that youāve succeeded at that than having a fickle asshole who puts a lot of energy into looking tough sitting in your bedroom wearing his dorky glasses and admitting that he likes West Side Story, actually.
God. fuck it Iām going to lie on the floor for a little bit now hhhhhhhhhhhhh
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