tortured. sickly. bisexual.

ellievsbear
Xuebing Du

izzy's playlists!

⁂
Stranger Things
hello vonnie

Andulka
No title available

No title available

No title available

pixel skylines
dirt enthusiast
Cosmic Funnies
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
No title available

titsay
Monterey Bay Aquarium
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
Game of Thrones Daily

seen from United States

seen from Malaysia

seen from United States

seen from Germany

seen from Malaysia
seen from Germany
seen from T1

seen from United States

seen from Malaysia

seen from China

seen from Iraq

seen from Türkiye

seen from United States

seen from Malaysia
seen from Malaysia

seen from Malaysia
seen from Colombia
seen from United States

seen from Latvia

seen from United States
@nowwhhere
tortured. sickly. bisexual.
it's not dramatic when i confirm this pain that is red and is torture and is tears and is tearing is without a doubt so very very welcome
Danmei is a very unique genre of queer literature which both centers and de-centers queerness. None of the Danmei I’ve read have been essentially “about” being gay. They’re just stories of life, of magic, of fantasy, of love, in which the main characters happen to be gay. Which is a kind of representation I have often seeked from western media and related intermediaries because why is every gay story, a coming out story? Is there not more to queer people than that?
However, while capturing the personhood of queer people; Danmei also captures the queerness of people because none of these stories would work if the characters weren’t gay/queer
Wei Wuxian’s absolute buffoonery of misunderstanding Lan Zhan’s feelings in a decade long telephone game in which neither of them open their damn mouth would never work in a non-queer story because between a man and a woman romance would be the natural assumption of everyone around them and therefore wouldn’t leave space for confusion. The misunderstanding of their romance is so closely tied to the plot succession that the plot would be… non existent without it
In TGCF Xie Lian and Hua Cheng’s absolute aspirational love is literally in the backseat and front seat of the story. Not too different from a classic hero’s journey but instead of the hero being one person, it’s two people. They are so intertwined with eo that they become one character and witness a lot of the story together. Witness being a very interesting word choice. Their queerness doesn’t drive the story but replacing one of them with a woman would dampen the effect— it’d remove the uncertainty, the confusion from everyone around them, the genuine slow burn of the romance. There’s also this idea of Hua Cheng falling in love with Xie Lian so far separated from concepts such as gender or whatever which wouldn’t have been hammered home in a straight romance where those conversations aren’t always had between the audience and the story
And Erha.. well obviously. Half of Chu Wanning’s “this is so inappropriate” spiral wouldn’t exist if he was a woman. And, the idea of Mo Ran being a “cut sleeve” builds up the under current of his character being so far dismissed by society because he’s seen as immoral. Which just wouldn’t serve to the same effect if he was into exclusively women because so was every other character.
Not in a single one of these stories is queerness and homosexuality the central theme of the story yet without them, the romance wouldn’t be the same. Liking the same gender as you comes with baggage in our society which is so heteronormative and that effect has to exist in the person characters become for them to be authentic but at the same time, limiting that effect only to produce coming out stories/falling in love stories is unfair. Danmei mends this through a middle ground where the plot is the focus but it doesn’t exist in a vaccum, it exists in queerness itself
Not only was the fucking on horseback a cool ass scene to read, IT IS LITERARY PROFOUND. And a cruel joke of the author's themes.
The "On Horseback" wine from Libei backstory is a clear indicator that there is indeed an intention behind that particular sex scene: everything the Xiaos do that is worthy of praise, of being told, is on top of their battlehorse, perpetually as soldiers. Either riding away or towards a fight, such is their fate of being born in Libei, a forever in war Kingdom. Xiao Chiye is proudly from the place he was born in, he represents it in Qudu and his imprisonment works as a metaphor for the oppression Libei endures from all sides of its limits.
Sorrounded by enemies, then, how do the Xiaos behave? Did the father toast with his wife on the horse because he couldn't do it anywhere else? I like to think because it wouldn't make sense anywhere else. It's been told that Libei soldiers cherish their battle animals like they cherish their brothers. Xiao Chiye said it himself; by taming it, he borrows Meng's wings and can fly as well. What are they borrowing from their horse then? I like to think that is always the promise of victory.
So the father toasts victory on his love, and the son years later does so as well. Although his fight isn't directly against the Biansha Tribes, he's still pretty much suffering from the consequences first hand. Every second Xiao Chiye gets to spend with his man is threatened with the idea that it might be the last one, so of course he chooses to take him on his horse (literally, ahem literally takes him). For Xiao Chiye, it means he won Shen Zechuan.
YOU GET IT
The first time he appeared he was on his horse, the last one he better be on it as well. Even his name has the horse hanzi. Don't even joke with me lad. The author cooked and I'm not glazing her and i'm definitely not connecting dots that aren't there.
I know I'm in a bad place when I need to read/watch Sherlock Holmes stuff to cope with the horrors
Why
Can't I ever
Give
The first step...
Forever suspicious of the sun. That doesn't mean I don't let its warmth spoil me. However long it may be.
"I asked chatgpt" ok well I asked Sherlock Holmes and I got a monologue that contained two tangents, four accidental insults, the answer to my question, and three homoerotic comments about his flatmate
I've grown so accustomed to my passion being my sweet dreams I don't fight for them anymore. Even when I've admitted I can't keep lying to myself, it seems I'm more comfortable in my well-known misery than pursuing my happiness. I still don't love myself. I still think I deserve what I'm going through. It must be that. It has to be that.
If you have time; please read this article
"Every word I once wrote has come back to haunt me," posted a writer who says she was arrested for "obscene" work.
As someone who enjoys the wide variety of stories that these authors have given us, it’s disheartening to see how much censorship and targeting they face. I really hope the authors can stay safe and I’m heartbroken for them.
My only criticism with this article is the heavy focus on the ‘female desire’ aspect of Danmei, (even if that is part of it) especially considering a lot of these stories offer representation where other genres and authors don’t even try. Not to mention the incredibly complex plot lines and stories these authors create which it feels like is being overlooked here.
It’s very easy for readers to just dismiss these stories as a result when there’s a lot more to them.
However, this article is very important to read. And we should all be aware of what’s happening.
And as for the parts that talk about China pushing for ‘traditional family values’ it’s a stark reminder to all of us that homophobia, misogyny and transphobia are all linked and we need to look out for each other.
I should be debating ominous bullshit in a tongue I call mine instead of licking endless scars from this ocean of humiliation I'm drowning in. I should be selfish and tell them I want to be a writer and kill myself after breaking a thousand hearts and speaking a hundred languages. I should be horrid. I want to be scary. I need to become mad.
I long to be withered. Infertile. Sexless. Weightless. Gray. And dry. Decayed. Curled in. A sleeping branch with thorns thrice my size. No one shall abuse me so indifferently nor rabidly again. Not lustful. Not familiarly. Is it really impossible to turn me undesirable? If so I long to be dead, then I am renewed and thus fearless. And thus true.
I'm afraid of my own body. I used to hate it. I used to punish it. I used to challenge it, but now it has become my nightmare, and it demands me to weaken and sedate it back into a cold fetus. It doesn't even let me cry all I should. Death is the easy option.
"I am not well; I could have built the pyramids with the effort it takes me to cling on to life and reason."
Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice
Frédéric Chopin, from a letter written in May 1849, featured in Chopin's Letters
Youve been working so hard recently man You deserve a break Come to my place tonight man We're gonna wrap you in sheets and tie a thirty six pound cannonball to your feet and head and throw you into the ocean
Hey man I’m just happy to be in this dark and scary woods with you