noxnights

Re // 22  

[noxnights]

Hello and FAQ

Hi my name is Re! I write O’knutzy, Wolfstar,  and First Prince. Theoretically, I’m working on my art (but have not kept up with it any time recently). My masterlist with links to my fics and art is linked below and asks are open. I hope you all have a lovely day!

Masterlist 

Ao3

Asks/ Fic Requests: Open

[noxnights]

stay, (please)

Alex had insisted he was fine–and he had been, really. Only the beginning pinch of a migraine, just a twinge from not wearing his glasses, nothing compared to what it had become.

Or, Alex has a migraine and Henry takes care of him.

-

The apartment was empty, except for Alex. Alex, who was sitting on the floor of the shower, head resting on his knees as the water spilled over him–steam filling the space. He’d planned to quickly rinse off, but had begun to feel so unwell that he had no choice but to sit down. Henry had gone out to run some errands, after Alex had sworn up and down that he was fine–even as Henry gave him that piercing look that made Alex feel like he was unraveling before his very eyes.

Alex had insisted he was fine–and he had been, really. Only the beginning pinch of a migraine, just a twinge from not wearing his glasses, nothing compared to what it had become.

The bathroom was the only room in the apartment with no windows, and so, the only room that truly got dark during the day.

Everything hurt, but this was the closest Alex could get to blocking it all out–to some sort of relief. It was his jaw, his neck, his skin itself which ached to the point of nausea. Alex had resigned himself to staying in this exact spot, curled up pathetically with only the hot water for comfort–something he tried hard not to think about.

He didn’t know how long he’d been sitting there when he heard a voice calling out. Alex couldn’t manage to yell back, but he knew Henry would find him. And sure enough, eventually Alex heard a quiet knock on the door

“Alex, are you okay in there? You’ve been in the shower for quite awhile.”

Mustering up what little energy he had, Alex managed to croak out a response, “I- I’m not feeling great.”

“I’m gonna come in, is that okay?”

“Mm-hmm”

Henry opened the door slowly and slipped in before shutting it quickly, quietly behind him, keeping the room as dark as possible. “What’s going on? You weren’t like this when I left.”

“I wasn’t, but my head just really started hurting. Migraine.”

Henry made a noise of acknowledgement. “How can I help?”

Alex felt like he could cry. Henry made everything better, but Alex didn’t know how he could help with this. There wasn’t anything anyone could do.

“I don’t know.” Alex mumbled, sure he sounded whiny, but unsure what he could do about it–he was completely miserable.

“Okay, love,” Henry spoke, voice just above a whisper, “I’m going to get some things to help you. I’ll be right back.”

Alex gave the smallest nod, head still resting on his legs. He hadn’t even been able to lift it to look at Henry. He curled in on himself further. He hated when this happened to him, when he studied too long or hadn’t eaten enough or did absolutely nothing wrong at all, he would suddenly find himself completely incapacitated. It felt like his life was being stolen from him, and he was worried, if he let it, it would take Henry’s too.

Alex was in the same position when Henry returned, tense and tightly wound, curling further inward, as if making himself smaller would take away some of his pain. He couldn’t even think about the fact that he was naked and Henry was going to see him. Honestly, it was the least embarrassing part of this whole mess.

Henry spoke quietly–so quietly, so carefully, “Alex I have a towel here for you when you’re ready and I can help you get to your room.”

Alex did his best to hum in agreement. “Thanks, Hen.”

Alex, body shaking, looked up at Henry for the first time, “I– yeah. I need help.”

“Okay, love. I’ve got you.” Henry turned the shower off and stepped in, taking Alex’s hands and gently pulling him up.

As soon as Alex was on his feet and leaning against Henry for support, Henry grabbed the towel he’d warmed in their dryer and wrapped it around Alex.

“Just one step at a time. I won’t let you fall.”

“Really?”

“Of course, love.”

Alex allowed himself to give Henry his weight and slowly be guided forward. When they got to his door he tried to shift toward it, but Henry held on tightly.

“My room Alex.” Henry said in response to his silence.

“Yours?”

“Mine gets the sunrise not the sunset, so it should be darker right now.” Henry paused, “Is that okay?”

Alex just pressed more into Henry, giving a little nod.

When they finally made it into Henry’s room, he saw a glass of water alongside his migraine medicine sitting on Henry’s nightstand. Of all the things Henry had done for him tonight, this shouldn’t be the thing that sticks in his brain. It was just such proof. Proof that Henry cared about him, that he was taken care of, that he wasn’t alone.

Henry sat him on the bed, before placing a hand on Alex’s jaw and whispering, “Open?”

Alex did it without even thinking about it. Liked that he didn’t have to think about it. Just being told what to do and when to do it was nice with Henry, with someone he trusted completely.

Henry placed the medicine on his tongue, before bringing the glass of water to Alex’s lips so he could take a sip.

“Swallow.”

Alex did.

He knew, even though he could barely put one thought after the next right now, that this moment would stay with him, seared into his brain, so that everytime he closed his eyes, this is what he would relive. That he would never be able to stop thinking about it, no matter what happened down the line, if everything with Henry–which had been teetering on a cliff for months now–collapsed, he would always come back to this. There would never be anyone who could compare. Deep in his heart, Alex knew it would be Henry or no one. There wasn’t a person in the world who would be able to replace this.

Alex shed his towel, let it drop to the floor, and pulled the covers across his waist, as Henry adjusted the pillows behind his head. He wouldn’t think about how he was naked in Henry’s bed, wouldn’t think about how he wished Henry was lying next to him.

Once he let his eyes slip shut, he felt himself breathing a little easier.

He felt Henry smooth his brow and brush the hair from his forehead, before feeling the press of lips against his temple.

“I’m going to step out, Alex. Call for me if you need anything. Please, love. I want to help.”

Without even thinking about it, Alex’s eyes opened and he reached out to grab hold of Henry’s sleeve.

“Wait, I need–”

“Yes?”

“I need you. Stay. Please.” Alex held his breath for a moment.

And then, as if it was a given, Henry responded. “Of course, love.”

Alex smiled for the first time in hours. He let his eyes close again, could hear Henry changing out of his jeans and then felt him crawling into bed next to Alex, exactly where he belonged.

He blinked his eyes open just long enough to see Henry lying on top of the comforter looking back at him, fondly it seemed, before he pressed closer, tucking his face against Henry’s neck. For the first time ever, he truly let himself feel comforted and cared for as he dropped into sleep. The ghost of a kiss still lingering on his temple.

[noxnights]

Harvard FinnLo Thoughts

I’ve been thinking a lot about Logan alone at Harvard after Finn went to Gryffindor, and so this is just a little snippet of how I imagine that angst. Credit to @lumosinlove for the characters.

- 

Logan always came back to this image, as if it was the only permanent thing in his life. Whether he was out with the team or lying awake staring at the ceiling he couldn’t help but return to the same painful picture: him, alone in his bed, a dark room and rumpled sheets. 

Logan could practically feel the exhaustion seep over the edges of that scene and into his body. Finn joining the NHL had only made it worse. Logan was so happy for him, but it still served as a reminder of what he’d long since known, this was the only future he was allowed. At least there was some comfort in it, in knowing exactly what his path held and how powerless he was to change it. 

Even if someone did eventually want him, he would never subject them to who he was, his complicated life and the way his brain worked; he didn’t want to be a burden. More than that, he knew it wouldn’t be fair to them, some part of him would always be thinking Finn Finn Finn. 

He turned over and pulled the covers higher, letting his back face Finn’s empty bed. He was alone, he was meant to be alone. This was best for everyone, he just had to keep reminding himself of that. He just had to stop thinking about Finn.

[noxnights]

From One O’Hara to Another Part 2

This fic is the sequel to my fic From One O’Hara to Another which you can find here. Sorry this took forever to write, but thank you all for your patience! Character credit goes to the wonderful @lumosinlove

CW: anxiety, struggling to come out, brief mention of fire due to brain fog

-

Finn felt Logan’s hands before he even opened his eyes, fingers smoothing over his skin, through his hair, across his brow. Finn swallowed, whispering like it was a secret, “I’m nervous.”

“I know.” Logan said softly.

“I feel silly for being nervous because he knows, and he gets it, and I’m so excited but-”

“Harz, I promise you it’s okay. You were holding onto a lot of very scary feelings for a long time, and even if you know it’s gonna be okay now, your body might still be in fight or flight mode.”

“I don’t want it to be.” Finn protested.

Logan laughed, “I know baby, I know. It’s gonna be good though, and pretty soon that will outweigh all the nerves.”

Leo who had begun to wake at his boys’ words let out a quiet yawn, “Lo’s right Fish. It’s going to be good.”

Finn hummed in agreement, “Hey who do you think Alex is dating? He said he wanted to reintroduce us to them. That must mean we’ve met them right?”

Logan’s brow furrowed, “yeah… yeah, hey maybe Kase knows! I mean they used to play together right, and they’re still close friends so…”

“You’re right! Ugh, obviously I’m not gonna ask him but Alex talks about him all the time. You know, sometimes I wish they still played together. I mean the way Alex talks about it, I can’t imagine them being traded apart. I know it was really rough for him. It’s like- I mean I can’t even think about it, it’s like if one of us got traded away.” 

All three boys knocked three times on wood, Finn’s whole body shaking at the thought.

“Anyway,” Finn said, “I just keep trying to think about who it could be, you know?”

Leo let out a small laugh, and both Finn and Logan rolled over to stare at him. 

“What?” Finn asked, eyes narrowing.

“Nothing- nothing, y’all are just funny. That’s all.”

Finn watched him for another minute before breaking into a smile and leaning forward for a kiss. 

“I love you, and I love your smile,” Leo whispered into his lips. “You’re like the sun Finn, you come into peoples’ lives and you just light them up. You set the world on fire and you just- I’m just so thankful for you.”

“Knutty…” Finn could barely keep his voice from breaking as he tried to speak.

“We know today isn’t easy for you,” Logan added, murmuring the words with his lips pressed to Finn’s skin, mapping out each freckle, “but we want you to know we’re so proud of you and- and”

“And that’s never going to change.” Leo finished.

Finn felt warm all over, like he was bathing in sunlight, skin tingling where his boys touched him, their lips, their fingers covering his whole body. He loved talking to his boys, but it was hard for him to admit when something was wrong. 

He preferred to go on runs and sink into books and lose sleep, than put that weight onto anyone else; but moments like this were the perfect reminder for why it was good to open up. The perfect reminder that it was okay to let them know when he was struggling. Finn let himself sink into their cuddles, into their heat. He let them take care of him for once. 

-

Finn kept trying to take deep breaths, rubbing his fingers together, trying to get the tingling to go away. It was fine. He’d talked to Logan and Leo and that had really helped. And it was fine. He pressed a hand to his chest, trying to gauge how fast he was breathing, trying to rub away the tightness. Was this normal? Or was something wrong? He had been doing something, trying to… to… he couldn’t remember what. His brain felt fuzzy and hot. Why couldn’t he breathe?

“Oh my god, Finn! Oh my god!”

Finn’s eyes went into focus. The pan he’d been trying to heat noodles in was on fire, or at least the noodles were. Finn took a big step back as Logan dropped the lid onto the pan carefully, snuffing the fire out. 

“I’m so sorry. I’m- I’m so sorry. My brain, it completely spaced. Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I can’t shake the nerves. I’m sorry. We’ve already talked about this, it’s just circular, I-”

“Finn, you have nothing to apologize for. I’m really glad we talked about it, but that doesn’t mean your feelings will just go away. It just means we’re here for you and that we know today’s hard for you. You can always, always talk to us even if it’s circular, or you know repetitive, or something.” 

Finn dropped his head onto Lo’s shoulder. “Thank you, thank you. I think I’m just feeling so much, excited, nervous, then feeling bad and confused about being nervous because I already told Alex, and that was supposed to be the hard part. This is supposed to be the easy part, the fun part.”

“Baby, it can be both. Sometimes having the facts laid out isn’t enough to change a feeling, what our body just knows. Alex telling you he heard you and loves you and identifies the same way you do is something your brain knows, but it’s not something your body knows yet. You don’t feel like it’s true even though you know it is, and that’s going to take time, and that’s okay Fish. It’s all okay and we’re here for you through all of it. 

Finn let out a big breath, “I love you. I really really love you, you know that right?”

Logan looked at him softly, “yeah Fish, I know that, we know that. I really really love you too. Why don’t you go get dressed so we can head out. We can get there a little early, walk around, and get seated first that way we have time to settle in before Alex gets there.”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s a good idea.”

“Perfect.”

Finn tried to take some deep breaths as he left the kitchen and headed toward their bedroom. He could do this, he wanted to do this, and he’d have his boys with him the whole time. It was okay to have mixed feelings about this, he just had to keep reminding himself of that.

He dug through their drawers until he found his favorite and most worn pair of jeans, an old Gryff hoodie which always made him feel safe, and lastly his rainbow bracelet- the match to Logan’s and Leo’s. 

He’d stopped wearing it for awhile, when every time he looked at it just brought a reminder of the stress he was under and the pressure he felt, but right now it was a comfort more than anything else. It was a way to have Leo and Logan with him all the time. 

Leo walked in just as he was finishing up and he watched Leo’s eyes dart to his wrist and then back up to his face. Finn waited for a remark, some kind of comment, but Leo just gave a soft smile, pressing a kiss to hime temple. 

“Hey, Lo’s ready when you are.”

Finn looked at Leo, let himself drown in the cornflower blue of his eyes, “I’m ready.” He said, and he actually meant it.

The three of them walked to the little restaurant where they’d be having lunch, not Sid’s as they wanted something more low profile. The walk was good and by the time the three of them sat down Finn’s excitement was bubbling up. 

This was what he’d been excited for, for so long. It was also the first time it struck him that Alex might be nervous too, maybe not exactly the same way Finn was, but still. This was a big step for both of them. Finn tapped his fingers against the table, against his leg. They were early, they had time.

Just as the waitress was bringing them their drinks, Finn’s phone pinged. Pulling it out of his pocket he saw a text from Alex. 

Alex:

hey 

Finn:

hey what’s up?

Alex:

are you guys there yet?

Finn:

yeah, we’re in a booth by the back corner

I tried to pick something secluded

Alex:

okay awesome, thanks fish

we’ll be right in

Finn slipped his phone back into his pocket, looking at his boys on either side of him, “he’ll be in in a minute.”

He held onto both their hands, under the table, out of sight. “I’m excited, I mean obviously I’m still nervous but I’m also really excited. He’s gonna love you guys, he already does, but now he knows.” Finn smiled, Finn let himself smile.

Leo and Logan both just squeezed his hand briefly. Finn didn’t need them to say anything, he just needed them.

The bell of the restaurant rang as the door swung open and Finn’s neck snapped around to watch Alex walk in, “no fucking way,” he whispered to the table, “no fucking way, oh my god, how did I miss that?” as Natalie and Kasey followed Alex in. 

Alex grinned as he made eye contact with Finn, who still looked shocked, and the three made their way to the table, sliding into the booth opposite Leo, Finn, and Logan. 

From across the table Alex’s grin grew wider, “surprised?”

“Yes,” Finn and Logan chorused. Leo on the other hand stayed quiet. Finn looked at him, eyes narrowed. “You knew?”

“I didn’t know, but I suspected.”

“Is that why you were laughing yesterday? Oh god, I was talking about how Kase probably knew and you were laughing.”

Finn shook his head a little before turning back to Alex, “Congrats man, I’m definitely surprised, but also it makes a lot of sense. You guys just kind of fit together.”

“Thanks Finn, you guys too- I’ve seen how happy you’ve been, even sitting here it’s clear, I’m glad you have them.”

“Me too,” Kasey added in, “and just for the record my plan was to just start making out and see how long it’d take you to notice.”

Logan who had argued for the same tactic high fived Kasey across the table, while Natalie who had thrown her arm around Alex’s shoulder said, “yeah, I thought we should take the more direct approach, you know the one where you guys wouldn’t take forever to figure it out.”

Her eyes cut to Leo as she continued, “except for you Leo, you just always seem to know.”

“Honestly, at this point I’m not sure if it’s a gift or a curse, but I’ll take it.”

All six of them placed their orders and chatted easily while waiting for their food, shuffling seats as they got engrossed in different conversations. Finn and Alex who had been in the middle of the booth ended up right on the end, and Alex, as though he’d been waiting for the right moment, leaned in.

“Hey fish, I just wanted to ask, or check in really, how are you doing?”

Finn paused for a moment, the words I’m fine ready to roll off his tongue, but then he glanced at Logan and Leo, at Natalie and Kasey, at Alex, and something stopped him. 

He nodded slowly, “I’m- I’m good. I’m really good actually. This morning was rough, but being here with everyone, it’s exactly what I wanted, what I hoped for, what I was scared of. But- this is great. Seeing how great it really is has helped me, it’s given me something to replace the images my own mind had been drawing up.”

Alex hummed, like he understood, “I’m really glad you told me, and I’m really glad I told you. I- I know this wasn’t easy, and I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you more, in college when I knew something was going on, but I didn’t want to intrude. I wanted to let you tell me. I’m sorry for that.”

“Alex, no-” Finn tried to interject, but Alex continued.

“I’m so happy to be here for you now though, and I’m happy you have your boys.”

“I’m happy you have yours too, and Alex, I know I’m just your little brother but I’m here for you too.”

“You’re not just anything Fish.”

The two of them looked at each other for a moment. They were so similar, both with wild red hair, both in the NHL, both bisexual and polyamorous, but at the same time they were so so different, even just in how they carried themselves. 

Despite the awkward angle, Alex reached across the table to ruffle Finn’s hair, “love you.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, love you too.” Finn grumbled, trying to shake him off. 

“You know they’re gonna be fine with this, right?”

“Who?”

“Our parents.”

“How do you do that? How do you just know what I’m thinking?”

Alex looked at him, “because it’s scary, and I know it’s scary, but they will be. They’ve always wanted what’s best for us. They’ve always wanted us to be happy. They supported us going to the NHL, they supported us all through college, they’re gonna support us through this too.”

“Yeah, but what if it’s too much for them, all of this.” Finn said, gesturing to the table, to Alex and himself.

“Finn, it’s never going to be too much for them. They’re gonna love having the house filled on holidays and over the summer when we visit. They’re gonna love seeing you light up because you have Leo and Logan with you.”

“I- I know, but…”

“Fish, I- they knew something was up in college. They didn’t know what, but they knew something, and then that first year in Gryff, you would call, and you just seemed so… you were obviously happy to be in the NHL, but you also seemed so lonely and lost. Everytime you called it was like you were thinking of something else, someone else. In this last year that’s changed, they’ve seen it change. Even though they don’t know why yet, they’re so happy about it. It’s scary but they love you. It’s going to be okay.”

“I didn’t realize, I didn’t realize that you guys knew. I just- I don’t think I even realized how bad it was until I got them you know? I was hurting but I thought I was fine, and then suddenly I had Logan and Leo, and all that time that I’d thought I was fine, well suddenly I knew just how untrue that was.” Finn’s voice broke a little as he tried to explain.

“If you want, we can tell them together, maybe this summer or we can go down for a weekend sometime sooner. Either way I promise it’ll be okay.”

“Yeah, that’d be great Alex. Thank you. For everything.”

“Of course.” Alex said simply, as though it was just that easy. 

The two turned back to the others, who seemed to be listening intently to Leo telling the story of Finn coming out to him, laughing so hard he could barely finish it when he got to the part of Finn calling both Kasey and Natalie hot. 

Finn, who went bright red at the tale, laughed along, and sitting there listening to the conversation flow, he realized there really was nowhere he’d rather be than with his teammates, his friends, his family.

[noxnights]

Starting the New Year Right

Happy New Year! This is just a little ficlet inspired by my experience this winter break. I hope everyone has a great 2022 and enjoys this piece!

CW: Covid-19, quarantine, holidays, mention of poor mental health

-

“Baby?” A voice said from outside the door. 

“I’m fine you guys.” Leo said, trying to assure them. “Have fun. Watch the ball drop, I’ll be out in a few hours.”

It was 10pm and Leo’s quarantine officially ended at midnight. He knew a few minutes, or a few hours probably wouldn’t make a difference, but any time he thought of leaving his room, even a little bit early, his chest began to tighten, sending him into a cycle of panic. It was fine, he reminded himself, he’d see his boys in a few hours and they could all celebrate then. 

Leo lay on his bed. Christmas had been the hardest. He’d spent most of that day feeling so bad he hadn’t even been able to enjoy Christmas itself or the effort his boys had gone through to include him in all their traditions. He knows he worried his boys that day, and he knows they almost broke quarantine to be with him. But he was okay now. He just needed to take a deep breath and close his eyes. The last two hours of his quarantine would pass and then he’d be okay. 

Leo’s timer went off ten seconds to midnight. He could hear the CNN anchors counting down and imagined his boys watching the ball drop together, curled up on the couch. He imagined padding in quietly behind them and being able to curl up with them after ten long days with no physical contact. He imagined getting kisses from both of them, the perfect way to start the new year. 

He pulled on his fluffiest socks and his favorite sweatshirt, one of Finn’s from Harvard, then carefully swung the door open. Leo’s breath caught in his throat, before him stood Finn and Logan, both grinning wide.

“Hey,” Leo offered, shyly. He fiddled with the sleeves of his sweatshirt, unsure why he felt so nervous.

“Hey, Knutty,” Finn said gently, before both him and Logan pressed into Leo. Logan kissed up his neck while Finn whispered sweet words into his lips. 

“Happy New Year, baby.” Logan murmured into his ear and Finn tightened his hold on Leo’s waist, like he never wanted to let him go.

“Happy New Year y’all” Leo replied, softly, happily, pressing quick kisses to both boys lips.

This was going to be the best year yet, he just knew it.

[noxnights]

currently sobbing at six in the morning over your hazy finn fic i love hurt/comfort so much but it also kills me everytime logan saying the stuff about wishing for finn at harvard shattered my heart into so many pieces

Ahhhh, I'm sorry you're sobbing, but that also a really big compliment so, thank you! Logan wishing for Finn at Harvard also shatters my heart every time I read/ write/ think about it

[noxnights]

Why is everything so hazy?

Credit to @lumosinlove

Thank you @/cozynightscandle and @awanderingdeal for betaing this work!

This fic is also on AO3 if you want to read it there :)

CW for mention of meds, overworking one's self, and some unsafe coping mechanisms.

Finn has a bad day with his ADHD. Unsure how to manage it he doesn't want to talk to Logan and Leo about it, but they'll be there for him no matter what.

-

Finn was frustrated. He was so, so angry. He hated when his brain acted like this, when it wouldn’t listen to him. It was his day off and all he wanted was to get some things done. His laundry for one, calling the bank- something he’d been meaning and trying to do for at least three months- for another. And every suggestion his boys made that he ended up shooting down, made him feel worse.

All he wanted was for his brain to function like it was supposed to. Finn felt like screaming. Logan and Leo had left him alone after he’d asked for some space to become un-whatever he was feeling, but now he was regretting it. He wished they were back in bed with him, tucked into his side, soothing him with their words, with their hands. They always helped, but he didn’t want to be any more of a bother, a burden.

He knew they loved him but sometimes it was hard to see how he didn’t constantly annoy them. He was always getting distracted in the grocery store, getting lost and making impulsive buys, he would forget to take his meds, or accidentally take double his dose, he practically forced them to take care of him. When they watched movies on his laptop they always commented on how many tabs he had open, and kissed his cheek, but maybe they just hated his visceral inability to close any of them. (Who cried over that kind of thing anyway?) He couldn’t cook without burning everything because of how often he forgot what he was in the middle of, and one time it led to the toaster catching on fire, his boys definitely hadn’t appreciated that.

And now he was ruining their day off. Finn thought about just going to the rink, maybe trying to workout and work off some of his frantic energy, or at least tire his body out so he could sleep. Finn sighed, today was just too much.

He got out of bed glancing at the desk where several different projects which had been started and abandoned lay, and grabbed his skates. He’d go to the rink, to the gym, whatever it took so that he could just chill out, so that his boys would love him again.

Finn didn’t think about how often Loops stressed the importance of rest days or how Cap would tell him working out with so little food and water in his system was a bad idea- Finn had been so unable to pause on one thing long enough that he hadn’t even eaten.

Shoving everything in his bag he walked out of his- their- bedroom. Leo and Logan weren’t in the kitchen or living room where he expected to find them. He tried to ignore the voice in his head telling him they’d left, for good, and sent a text in their group chat, letting them know where he was headed, just in case.

While walking he couldn’t stop scratching his nails against his palms, and looked for something else to fidget with in the pocket of his sweatshirt. Or, as he realized when he pulled out a packet of M&M’s, Leo’s sweatshirt. He always kept them stashed around “in case of emergency”.

Deciding M&M’s were better than nothing he snacked on them the rest of the way to the rink, saving a single blue and yellow M&M for last, just like Leo always did.

Once there Finn ran drills and lifted weights, skating until his legs were numb and bench pressing his max weight until he could barely think. Only when he felt like he couldn’t take another step did Finn make his way home.

By the time he arrived at their apartment all he wanted was a hot shower and to fall into bed with his boys, but the feeling he’d been carrying all day hadn’t left him. He opened the door slowly unsure what he’d find in the apartment; he hadn’t checked his phone since he’d sent that text- too scared of an answer- too scared there wouldn’t be one.

Logan and Leo curled up on the couch, watching a movie. It was a sight that normally made his heart grow three sizes, it was a sight he loved. Today though, it felt like a reminder that his presence was unwanted. Finn quietly snuck into the bathroom, even if they didn’t love him, he loved them, he didn’t want to disturb their happiness.

Finn stripped quickly and climbed into the shower, letting hot water run over his tired muscles. Despite the day he’d had, his brain still refused to stop racing and he knew he wouldn’t sleep well that night. Finn let his forehead rest on the tile.

Then there was a knock on the door.

“Yeah?” He croaked.

“Finn? Can we come in?”

Finn couldn’t recognize the voice over the sound of running water. He nodded in response before realizing he had to speak. He felt like his body was shaking with the effort to vocalize a simple “yeah”, like he had to work extra hard to translate his thoughts into something others could understand.

He heard the door open then someone speaking, but he couldn’t distinguish it. He couldn’t move his head from the cool tile. The shower curtain pulled open and he caught Logan’s voice.

“Oh- Finn…”

Finn wondered how he looked at that moment, with his hair plastered to his forehead and his muscles shaking. He wished, not for the first time, that he could be better for his boyfriends, that he could be sexier, and more in the moment. That instead of clutching his hand to his chest he could pull them into the shower laughing and giggling and run his hands over their bodies. But he couldn’t do anymore, he couldn't be any better.

Without Finn having to say a word Logan got into the shower with him, gently taking the hand Finn had been pressing harder and harder into his chest and intertwining it with his own. Finn looked at their hands, the contrast and mingling of pale and tan skin, and finally pulled himself upright, turning to collapse into the shorter boy.

“I really spiraled today.” Finn whispered into Logan’s neck.

“Oh, babe, I know. I’m sorry we weren’t there.”

“It’s not your fault, either of yours. I- I really just- I don’t know-” Finn cut himself off with a question, voice shaky, “- where’s Leo?”

“Just in the kitchen. He went to go make some food for when you’re ready to eat- he thinks- have you eaten today Finn?”

Finn shook his head, then gave a slight nod, “some of Leo’s M&M’s on the way to the gym, that’s all.”

Finn’s body tensed as he prepared to be berated over the mistake, the way his coaches would, but Logan just said “Okay, well then we can grab some of whatever Leo’s making after the shower, or bring it up to bed if that’d be more helpful.”

“Thanks Lo.”

Finn let Logan help wash him and tried not to think about how he was forcing Logan and Leo to be his caretakers again. He let Logan wrap him in a towel and lead him to their room, let Logan help him dress, and then let Logan lead him back to the kitchen for dinner.

When they entered Leo was holding two bowls of steaming soup and a third sat on the counter.

“Hey, I was just about to bring these up.”

“Fish requested we eat in here actually.”

“Okay.” Leo smiled and placed their bowls on the table before grabbing them all a glass of water.

They all ate fairly quietly with little conversation as both boys had picked up on how sensitive Finn was feeling to noise at the moment. Even the clinking of the spoons in their bowls of soup was causing him to tense.

When they finished the delicious broth and bread Leo had made both Logan and Leo looked at Finn, a silent ask, a quiet what now?

Finn gestured to the sofa, grabbing Leo and Logan’s hands before either could try and do the dishes. He knew he was being quiet and probably freaking them out: he was always either talking too much or too little. He could never get it right.

They settled onto the couch, intertwining their legs, with a blanket covering them. Finn lay across Leo’s body and Logan sat at their feet gently running a hand over Finn’s ankle. Finn knew he needed to say something, that they were waiting for him to say something.

“I- I’m really sorry you guys, for- for today.”

Leo pressed a kiss into Finn’s fiery hair, “Finn you don’t have to be sorry for struggling, we’re not upset. We just want to be able to help you. Whether that means next time we give you more space, or less, we just want to be here for you however we can.”

“Exactly what Leo said. Is there anything you can think of that we could’ve done to help you through today?”

“I- uh- well…” Finn stumbled over his words, unable to articulate what he felt, what he thought.

“Maybe you could start by telling us what happened today, from your point of view, so we can understand,” offered Leo.

“Yeah,” Finn sighed, his voice heavy and weary. “That’s a good idea. I just, I woke up and my brain couldn’t settle and I was so frustrated because today was the day I was supposed to catch up on like everything.”

Finn shook his head at himself and continued, “I couldn’t do the laundry or- or call the fucking bank which I’ve been needing to do for months! Or even get my brain to slow and remember long enough to make breakfast. All that stuff started me off and then from there I- like I said to Logan- I spiraled.”

Finn paused trying to describe his day, his ADHD, to them. It was hard, like he was fumbling his own thoughts. Finally he said, “I felt like you guys didn’t love me. I couldn’t- all I could see myself as was a burden, an annoyance.”

He watched their faces drop as both quickly tried to reassure him. He chastised himself for his word choice, he was saying the wrong thing again, just like always. He regretted every word that left his mouth, over analyzing each of them. It was like he could never say the right thing, always messing up and hurting others: they were his collateral damage.

Finn forced himself away from his thoughts, his boys were telling him they cared for him, he knew they cared for him, he did, and he had to tell them that.

“I- I know it’s not true but sometimes I can’t hold onto that, it’s like it slips right through my fingers. But I do know it. Today it was just harder to remember and so I thought I could work off some of the extra-” Finn moved his hands and shoulders as though trying to explain the feeling, “but I pushed too hard and today was just bad in a lot of ways, for a lot of reasons. Sorry.”

“What are you sorry for Fish?” Logan asked softly.

“I just talked for who knows how long. All I know how to do is talk and talk and I know it’s- it’s annoying. Sorry.”

Logan and Leo made eye contact over Finn.

“Fish, neither of us are annoyed by your talking- we love hearing you talk. And if we ever really did need quiet for some reason we would let you know, but we love the sounds of your voice.”

“Yeah- I- even when I’m my most anxious I find it calming to listen to you, whether you’re reading out loud or telling me about something new you're learning or just updating me on your day. I love you so much all the time, Finn.”

Logan was nodding along to Leo’s words, “Exactly. I can’t tell you how often, while at Harvard, I just wished and wished for you, to be able to just listen to you, and now I have that. I love it, I love you.”

Finn’s throat felt tight but a smile still crossed his face. “I love you guys too, so much.”

They looked at each other for a moment, basking in the love, real and tangible as it was, before Logan asked, “so next time? Would it be helpful if we were around more to reassure you or came with you to work out that way you could move if you needed to but would have a reminder of safe limits?”

Leo added, “and I’d be happy to pre-prepare some food, or make something for you?”

Finn thought about their suggestions, “yeah, yeah I do think that could be helpful. It’s a little hard because sometimes I need different things, and a lot of the time I end up in a weird limbo where I equally want and don’t want things. I- uh think that trying to ground myself more would be helpful, and that can come from a lot of things, just depending…”

Both boys nodded.

“Maybe we try some of these things next time and also keep this kind of an open ongoing conversation as we all figure out what’s most helpful?” Leo asked.

“Yeah that sounds like a really good idea. Thank you, you guys for everything, for always being here.”

“Always.” Both boys replied in sync.

Finn twisted his neck slightly to kiss Leo, then leaned forward to kiss Logan. Today had been difficult, but he’d made it, and he had his boys at his side.

[noxnights]

Absolutely loved the o’haras coming out to each other, it was so fucking cute omg! You should write a part 2 of that double date!

Ahhhh thank you so much! There will be a part two, just not exactly sure when :)

[noxnights]

Is there going to be a part 2 for from one O'Hara to another

Yes! I'm definitely planning on there being a part two but not sure exactly when it will be posted.

[lumosinlove]

A smooch.

[noxnights]

From One O’Hara to Another

Credit for all these amazing characters goes to @lumosinlove and big thanks to @heyitssmiller for betaing!

CW: struggling with coming out

Finn wants to come out to Alex.

-

Finn was alone in the apartment. Logan and Leo had gone out to dinner and Finn had decided to take some time to curl up on their couch with a blanket and a book and fall into a new story. Except now he was staring at the pages, not reading a word. 

He hadn’t told his family, any of his family, about him and Logan and Leo. Leo’s family knew of course and Logan’s sisters had been aware of their feelings since Christmas. But Finn just couldn’t. Every time he called Alex he choked on his words. He wanted Alex to know so badly, but with every missed opportunity he felt worse and worse. Alex had to know something was up: he’d seen Logan and Finn during college, and there was that one night when Finn had called him, unable to speak, he had cried for the better part of the call. 

Finn felt like he could tell everyone else, he didn’t worry about new teammates or friends, but with his big brother the fear of losing him outweighed everything else. And the worst part was he’d been brushing off how much stress trying to tell Alex was causing him. Logan and Leo knew he hadn’t told Alex yet, but when they asked he’d just shrugged saying he’d rather do it in person. He didn’t tell them how many phone calls, facetimes, and texts had been almosts. He didn’t tell them how much he was hurting. 

That was his first mistake, he realized as he sat there alone. He hadn’t wanted them to think he was ashamed or that they were unloved. He shook his head a little at the thought, he wasn’t thinking rationally; Finn knew they were a team and he could rely on their support. He could put some of the weight he was carrying down. 

Feeling exhausted, and knowing his boys likely wouldn’t be back for several more hours, he decided to head to bed early. 

When Finn woke up, light was streaming into the room and he lay between Leo, who had an arm loosely circling his waist, and Logan, who had intertwined his legs with Finn’s. He stayed there breathing in his boys, letting their presence, their warmth, comfort him. He would do it, he would tell them what was going on as soon as they woke up. He took another deep breath: in-out, in-out. 

Logan stirred after another minute, always one to notice when his boyfriends’ breathing had changed. He propped himself up on one arm, taking the other hand and running it across the crease of Finn’s brow.

“Fish? Everything okay?”

Finn’s voice felt tight. He nodded, but he knew tears were collecting in his eyes. He swallowed hard, trying to breathe.

“Fish?” Logan asked again.

Finn just closed his eyes and shook his head. Nothing about this should be so difficult, but it was. When he opened his eyes again Leo was awake too, looking at him with concern- a mirror to Logan’s face. 

“Finn, what can we do to help?” Leo tried, always ready to offer up whatever he could. 

Finn just turned over, burying his face in the pillow. He could do this, he just couldn’t do it while looking at them. 

“You remember how I told you I was just waiting to see Alex in person to tell him about us? How I said it wasn’t really a big deal?”

Both boys murmured affirmatively. 

“I- well, that’s not exactly true. I-I’ve tried to tell him so so many times, but I can’t.” Finn flipped onto his back and stared at the ceiling, where the glowing stars he’d gotten for Leo hung- they were grounding, a reminder of the night that had changed so much for the three of them. A reminder of their beginning. It allowed him to get his next words out: “I am so scared and it’s only getting worse. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, you have nothing to be sorry for Finn,” said Leo.

Logan added, “we’re not upset or angry at all. It’s up to you when you come out and- well I think Cap and Loops’ situation affected us more than we like to think it did.” 

Finn nodded, he knew they were both right. “Yeah, I just, I want to tell him, I’m going to tell him, but what if he…” Finn left the thought unfinished. He couldn’t even say it.

Leo brushed his hand through Finn’s hair while Logan spoke up. “Finn, I know Alex, he won’t react badly. All he wants is for you to be happy, and-” Logan hesitated before continuing, “I mean we- we weren’t the most subtle in college, were we? You told me how he’s always been there for you and he’ll be there this time too. I’m sure of it.”

It was silent for a moment before Leo spoke, a certain softness laced his words. “If- if you wanted to just start by telling him about you and Lo, and you know wait to mention me, that’d be okay with me. Just so you know.”

Finn turned to face Leo immediately, “Baby- no. Not a chance. I- I would never leave you out or behind. I’m scared, yes, but I want to tell him because I love you. I love you both and I want him to know the people I love as the people I love. I- I know why you’re offering but I would never lie about loving you. I need you to know that.”

“I know. I just, I thought it might be easier, and I want you to be able to tell Alex. I want that for you.”

“I do too, and I think more than anything I needed to tell you guys. I needed to let go of some of the weight I’d been holding.” Finn brought both boys in for a kiss and whispered “I love you’s”. 

Talking with Leo and Logan had helped a lot. He was still extremely nervous, but it no longer felt so impossible. Leo’s offer had given him some answers: he wanted to share his loves with one of his favorite people in the world. Realizing that showed Finn how he was stronger than his fear.

He waited until Leo and Logan were out again, running errands and seeing a movie, and then went to the three of theirs room. He lay back on the bed and dialed Alex’s number. 

The phone rang once, twice, then “Hey O’Hara, how’s it going? Oh- you’re never going to guess where I am!” 

For a moment Finn didn’t say anything. This would be just like every other time. 

Alex’s voice came through the phone again, “Finn?” 

“Uh- yeah- hey.”

“What’s up? Everything okay?” 

“Um, no not really. Well actually, yes everything is great, but also right now not really.”

“Okay, do you want to talk about it?” Alex sounded confused. Of course he sounded confused, Finn knew he wasn’t making any sense. 

Finn tried again. “Do you remember that time, while I was at Harvard, I called you?”

“Yeah. Of course.” There could only be one phone call Finn was talking about.

“Okay, well it’s kind of about the same thing, but the opposite.”

“The opposite?”

“I- yeah I’m dating someone- someones actually.”

“Fish! That’s great! I’m so glad you found-”

Finn cut Alex off. If he was going to say it he had to say it. He had to get it all out. “It’s- I’m dating Logan and, and Leo. Both of them.”

He heard Alex take a breath, and, in turn, he knew Alex could hear him crying. 

“Finn, you know it doesn’t matter who you love as long as you’re happy. That’s the only thing I care about.”

“I know, or well I do know that, but I was- I just mean a lot of people don’t react well to someone, especially someone in their family, being bisexual, and even more so to them being polyamorous. I didn’t want to lose you, but I love them. I had to tell you. I love them.” 

“This changes nothing between us, except that now we can double date. I love you no matter what, and you know I’d never judge you for any of that.” Alex paused letting the call hang silent for a moment. “I mean it’d be a little hypocritical of me.” 

“Hypocritical?” Finn croaked.

Alex gave a shaky laugh, “yeah, I was actually going to surprise you this week and uh- hopefully have you meet, or uh- really just reintroduce you to my partners. Which maybe we can still do? You bring yours and I’ll bring mine?”

“Yeah, yes! One hundred percent. Wait- reintroduce, does that mean I know them?”

“Maybe…” Alex said slyly. “But really, from one bisexual polyamorous hockey player to another, it’s going to be okay Finn. I’ll always love you and I’m proud of you for telling me.”

“I’ll always love you too, and Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m really proud of you too.”

Finn could hear Alex’s smile, “thanks Fish, how does Saturday- tomorrow- sound?”

“Tomorrow? Aren’t you in Florida?”

“Actually I um, I’m already in Gryffindor.”

“You’re in Gryff right now?”

“Yeah- I’m staying with my people, remember how I said I was going to surprise you?”

“Oh. Yeah, I guess that got lost in all the other news.”

“Fair enough.”

“So tomorrow, around one for lunch? You bring yours and I’ll bring mine?” Finn clarified, using the chance, the freedom he now had to talk about his boyfriends. He felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest, even that simple phrase made him giddy with joy.

“Yeah, tomorrow. You bring yours, I’ll bring mine. Love you Fish.”

“Love you too Alex.”

[noxnights]

leo knut looking beautiful with his acne

This drawing was inspired by @lumosinlove​ character Leo Knut and her beautiful drawing of him which you can find here, @fruitcoops fic “Spotty” which you can find here, and @ artographysart on instagram.

Leo Knut with acne and all the more BEAUTIFUL for it!

[noxnights]

Super rough sketch of Finn and Logan’s dorm room in my upcoming fic. An AU where Finn, Logan, and Leo all go to the same college and meet there!

[noxnights]

I’ve Lost My Voice, I’ve Lost Your Love

As always all credit to @lumosinlove

TW/ CW for implied/ referenced: self harm, low self esteem, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, and unhealthy sex. Take care of yourselves!

Leo is struggling, but his boys love him, and they won't let him forget that.

-

Leo got out of the shower slowly; he was reluctant to leave the solitude of the bathroom, the warmth of the shower. He could hear Finn and Logan talking in their living room, but he pushed it out of his mind. Keeping his back to the mirror he dried off quickly and slipped a sweatshirt on before doing anything else. Only after his body was engulfed in the hoodie did he face his reflection. Lilac lined his eyes, and he knew he’d lost weight, but had it really been enough for someone to notice? For Finn and Logan to comment?

Quietly, he opened the bathroom door, trying to listen to the hushed voices down the hall. Leo strained his ears, trying to catch anything, but it was indistinguishable, just whispering back and forth. Leo inched forward, he knew he’d had to greet them soon, but before he could enter the room he caught Logan’s voice.

“Merde, Finn.” There was a loud sigh, “I don’t know what to do-” the voice dropped quieter again before rising at the end, “-this isn’t working.”

There were some more mumbles before the front door creaked open and slammed shut, leaving a heavy silence behind. All Leo could focus on was the tightening in his chest. He didn’t know why this hurt so much, he’d known it was coming, only a matter of time and all that.

Logan and Finn were meant to be, and Leo, well Leo was fun and new, except he wasn’t either of those things anymore. He’d known they'd get tired of him soon, he’d just thought he had more time. While trying to decide whether to retreat into the bathroom again or face whatever was left in the living room, Finn, who had gone to make more tea, had seen him.

Cont. Reading at:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30585680

[noxnights]

This Isn’t a Wasted Wish

A Remus Birthday Fic// Characters belong to JK Rowling

Sirius smiled at him warmly, and all Remus could think was Sirius Black: brightest star in the sky.

It's Remus' birthday, and the one thing he wants he can't have. At least that's what he thinks.

-

Remus made his tea as he had a thousand times before, too much cream- too little sugar. He sat next to his favorite window and read his favorite book, as he always did. He knew today wouldn’t really be any different from all the other days he’d lived. When he blew out the candle at the end of it, he knew nothing would come of it.

His mother had always called it a “wasted wish,” at least when she thought he couldn’t hear her. He used to wish on candles, eyelashes, shooting stars, dandelions, all for the wolf inside him to die. It was something he kept up even as his wish changed, and he started wishing for someone instead.

At some point, he stopped all that silliness, his mother's words echoing in his head. Although he still let himself have one wish a year, an attempt at preserving some part of who he used to be, he couldn’t stop berating himself for the futility of wishing.

With this in mind he woke up earlier than usual on his birthday, and despite being half asleep he trudged out the dorm and out the portrait hole. Birthdays for him carried too much weight, too much worry. They just made him think about what he couldn’t have. They made him think about his lycanthropy and how short the lifespan of werewolves actually was. There was nothing for him to celebrate.

And so Remus Lupin hid himself away before any of the other boys could wake and wish him a happy birthday. He knew he couldn’t hide forever, he was just hoping to get away with most of the day. He didn’t want to spend his free time making birthday small talk, or girls small talk, or anything else of that sort.

Of course, by now Remus really should’ve known better. Just as he found a comfortable position on the stone window sill and had thought all those thoughts, he heard a quiet “Moony.”

Continue Reading on AO3:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30016599

[noxnights]

There They Stood

All credit to @lumosinlove for the amazing characters.

The team goes camping. Leo, Logan, and Finn lay by the beach, run from rain storms, and find each other in the midst of everything.

CW: coming out, struggling with sexuality, body image issues

-

The beach was sweltering as the boys lay in the sand. The whole team had decided it was a good time for a week long getaway slash team bonding vacation. However, instead of a nice hotel or fancy resort, Cap had chosen camping. So there they were, lying on the lakeside beach, going in and out of the water anytime they got too hot.

Logan and Leo were doing fine as they were able to tan and came from hot weather, respectively. However, Finn had to reapply his sunscreen every few minutes.

At the first sound of thunder no one really moved, it was quiet and the lifeguard hadn’t even blown the whistle. But, the next clap of thunder shook the earth, a moment later the sky opened above them and torrential rain came down.

The whole team grabbed everything they could carry and made a frantic run for their tents, diving into whichever they could reach first, regardless of whether or not it was actually their tent. Even after trying hard to get to safety they were soaked.

Logan, Leo, and Finn had all ended up in Logan and Finn’s tent, as Leo’s was on the far side of the site. Logan and Finn immediately began to strip, trying to rid themselves of the dripping wet clothes. They only paused when they realized Leo hadn’t started to do the same.

Continue reading at: 

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29812245

[noxnights]

It’s Called Heartache

All credit goes to @lumosinlove for the lovely characters. 

TW: Implied/ referenced self-harm

The early morning sun brought streams of golden light into Logan’s room. It left patches of light dancing across every surface. Logan curled up on his bed, letting the warmth wash over him. He had on one of Finn’s old Harvard sweatshirts and he let himself drown in it, the extra fabric, the smell of Finn. Laying there, he thought about Finn, and Finn and Leo, about the both of them. 

Feeling lost and forgotten, he tugged the sleeves over his hands, making himself smaller. Finn and Leo were probably playing video games, sat next to each other on their couch, thighs pressed together; and Logan was alone, not even the Dumais’ were home this weekend. 

They had all left for a family ski trip the day before. They had insisted Logan join them, but he knew they needed their own family time, with their real family. Logan sniffled as his emotions bubbled up again. 

He took a deep breath trying to hold it together, trying to remember that he’d told them to go without him, that Finn wasn’t choosing Leo over Logan, at least not yet, no matter how much it felt like it. Finn and Logan had been best friends for years, and that wasn’t going to change, and Leo, Leo was a great teammate, and friend, always there for both of them. 

Still when Logan saw how Leo looked at Finn, it made his skin crawl. It made him nauseous with jealousy, in a way he couldn’t explain. It was for Finn, but he also wanted Leo looking at him like that. Just then, there was a loud knock on the door. Grumbling, Logan stood and went to open the door. 

Read more on AO3

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29000655