when I am queen

she/her, 23 💋 NPD + DID

[npdame]

Suzanne, 23, she/her lesbian with DID & NPD.

Mostly unmasked NPD posts here. This is, for the most part, a vent sideblog. Sometimes I reblog from main.

This blog exists to exert my nastiness and horrid, disordered thoughts... Somewhere. So I don't feel the need to destroy everything I've worked hard to maintain recently.

I like fashion, toys, pro-wrestling, avant garde art, and I have a fondness for arachnids and most other creepy-crawlies people dislike. I also work a part-time job. I would probably consider myself godkin.

Asks open, just don't be a toxic freak weirdo. I'm actually quite nice.

[npdame]

humiliating myself for sport

[bugicidal]

Hourly affirmations : I am good enough , everyone is obsessed with me , I am everyone's favorite , anyone who claims to dislike or hate me is lying , I deserve and will achieve everything I want in life , I am the most admirable and praise - worthy person in the entire world . . . .

[npdame]

Happy birthday to me

[stasiscuffed]

4 and 30 for the NPD ask game?

4. is there anything non-narcissists feel, think, or do that you just can't wrap your head around?

Guilt, and the lack of the "constructed" self.

I've realized over time, that any and all forms of real "guilt" I've felt have really been shame. Guilt has always been a performance, there when it was servicable as a spectacle, there when others would have eyes on me and could feel bad for me, there when misery could be beneficial. The shame would hit much later. That deep pit of self-hatred, the innate sense that there is something wrong with and broken about me. I lack the empathy necessary to recognize when I've hurt or upset others without it directly spelled out for me, and even then, I tend to dodge it because shame feels like I'm being flayed alive. I don't particularly feel "bad" for it, or I convince myself it was needed, or that I was right all along. I didn't really realize that guilt wasn't something I felt until I had asked my girlfriend and close friends what it felt like for them. That isn't to say I don't know right from wrong, or am incapable of sincerity when I apologize. It's just different, I guess. I always thought everyone felt the way I did when I'd say I felt guilty. I, for years until recently, believed everyone performed guilt and that it wasn't "real," or purely constructed to make me feel ashamed. If others felt guilty, I'd taunt them either in my mind or, especially when I was younger, to their face. I'd look down on people. Because I thought, because it wasn't real for me, that it must not be real at all, and everyone took me for a fool.

As for the constructed self, it baffles me to learn that other people are capable of having thoughts, opinions, interests and hobbies without some kind of third-party intervention. Without the need to chase adoration. I don't have a single passion or interest that doesn't involve somehow being adored, being around others, or impact the view others have on me. Everything, genuinely, comes back to my need for adoration and attention.

I have a specific, curated personality for everyone. Everyone gets to see and witness a specific, still pretentious, "me," changed ever so slightly just for them. Whatever works well enough to make them love me, even if it's for a fraction of a moment. I can be pathetic, if they want me to be, if pity and misery is what makes them like me. I can be capable, beautiful, if need be. Childish, mature, masculine, feminine, arrogant, humble, overt, covert... All while I rot from the inside. My personality and identity feel a lot like dress-up. I have this ideal self, of course. Everything ties back to it, in some way, but some feel truer than others. I've even performed, and convinced myself of, other disorders because I believed it was what was expected of me by certain people. I don't like thinking about that.

30. what's your most common grandiose fantasy?

Oh God, where do I start?

I guess the most common one would be the idea of being noticed by someone I admire heavily, usually someone famous or with a large platform, and worming my way into their social circles. They'd notice how exceptional I am, how talented, intelligent, bright and wonderful I am, and keep me around. They'd begin to entrust their projects to me as they get overwhelmed, mentor me, and perfect where I am rough around the edges. They'd admire me back. Their audiences, as they begin giving me reign of their projects, begin to admire me, just as much if not more than them. Sometimes it feels more like destiny, than a fantasy.

Ever since I was very young, I had this fixed belief that I was destined to be famous, no matter the cost. Like it was an innate fact of reality. It changed shape over the years, and I suppose this is the most common form?

NPD Ask Game

[npdame]

I'm becoming more and more distant from reality again. Not in a sense that I'm having a psychotic break, but in the sense that I, again, feel entirely alienated and unlike everyone around me. It's preventing me entirely from socializing properly. It's like I can't see other people as fully autonomous individuals, but as weird and sick little animals that orbit me when I need them, and cease to exist when I don't.

I'd say it makes me feel lonely, but I don't like that word. It feels ugly. But I can't feel the same for my friends as they seem to feel for me. I can't see them the same as they'd see me. It makes me feel like I'm trapped behind glass, unable to fully interact with the world around me.

I don't think of them until I need them, and then I chastise myself for needing them, and then I feel that intense, violent and all-consuming hunger for attention, and give in to the need, and once it's over, I'm back to not thinking about them.

[canvas-sys-comics]

[npdame]

being loved in and through collapse is such an odd experience for me. what do you mean every attempt at isolation and pushing her away is being met with patience and kindness? that's completely foreign to me, i'm constantly bracing myself to be told i'm awful and need to be executed, actually.

[npdame]

Ask a narcissist about their childhood and they will tell you the most fucked up stories imaginable about some of the worst neglect and emotional abuse you've ever heard about.

[equalperson]

10 “normal” things I can’t understand as a sociopathic narcissist

You’d think I was missing out on something major.

"Much of what I've described throughout this article seemingly comes down to prioritizing myself. However, narcissism isn't simply about getting what you want, it's about making sure you're so important that you'll never be degraded, forgotten about, or otherwise mistreated again. Although this attempt to assert importance typically results in varying degrees of self-serving behavior, it also makes most of us incredibly emotionally dependent on other people. Very few of the activities I undertake are because I truly love them. More often than not, I do things in hopes that others will love them, and therefore love me (or at least the pieces of me inserted into my work). I've dabbled in everything from art to videos to Internet subcultures in hopes of finally having my big break, typically just to fail almost immediately. I have a very low tolerance for being unseen, so if I go days without receiving the attention that others have gotten over the span of years, it'll feel as if I'm being willfully ignored; these days will subsequently be filled with embarrassment, indignation, and demotivation until I eventually leave the project behind entirely. There's ultimately very little that I do just because I feel anything for it, arguably to the point of anhedonia: I don't like taking care of myself, I don't like talking to people, and—with a few exceptions—I don't like many hobbies. The only interests I really have are writing, animals, fashion, listening to music, and a handful of fictional stories and characters, but I'm almost entirely empty beyond that."

[equalperson]

NPD awareness month 2026 questions!

feel free to use this as an ask game or prompts for your own posts (although I'd recommend clarifying if you want asks in the tags so I can know who to respond to).

is trust difficult for you? is there anyone you currently do trust?

what part of having NPD do you feel isn't discussed enough?

how does NPD affect your friendships?

is there anything non-narcissists feel, think, or do that you just can't wrap your head around?

how much do you mask your NPD, if at all?

are there any songs that you relate to due to your NPD?

do you have any co-occurrences? if so, does your NPD affect how they present (or vice versa)?

has anyone in your family been diagnosed with NPD? do you think learned behavior/genetics played a role in your diagnosis?

how good is your cognitive empathy (the ability to recognize--but not necessarily mirror--others' feelings)? is it better or worse than your emotional empathy?

how much emotional empathy do you feel? do you wish you could feel more?

how do you feel about romance? does your NPD affect your desire for or ability to maintain romantic relationships?

what's the worst thing about having NPD? what's the best?

have you ever known another person with NPD? were you compatible?

do you tend to lie? why or why not? do you feel any remorse when you do so?

are you self- or clinically diagnosed? regardless, what process led you to your NPD diagnosis?

can you love? if so, what does it feel like for you?

how comfortable are you with expressing your feelings? are there any emotions you always hide from others?

do you also have (C-)PTSD? do you consider your NPD a manifestation of post-traumatic stress?

what's the first sign you showed of NPD? how old were you at the time?

is there any particular trait your grandiosity centers around (E.G. intelligence, beauty, morality, etc.)?

what's your relationship with holidays like? how do you feel about birthdays?

do you have a preference for person-first ("person with NPD") or identity-first ("narcissist") language? why or why not?

if you're a creative, how does NPD affect your work? does NPD affect how you see other people's creations?

what's the most difficult part of interacting with other people for you?

do you have an equal or otherwise special person? how easily do you get attached to others?

how much of an effect--if any--does social media have on your self-image? have you ever done anything self-destructive for likes/followers or struggled with social media addiction?

do you think society's view of NPD is improving, devolving, or stagnating? and why? how do you think NPD will be seen 10 years from now?

who's your favorite character with NPD, canon or headcanon?

how dependent are you on others? is independence important to you?

what's your most common grandiose fantasy?

is there anything else that you want to say for NPD awareness month?

I highly encourage reblog karma (sending asks to people you reblog from) and will try to send asks to people who reblog now through july when I have the energy.

there's also a prompt list version!

[greelin]

just need a drink. or a cigarette. or perhaps even a sledgehammer to the back of the head

[fizzywatercan]

it's not trendy or cool to be ableist, ableists fuck OFF

[npdame]

Oftentimes, I find myself fantasizing about moving in with someone and really impressing them with my skills or with how kind I am. I imagine myself beautiful, perfect, and alluring... Maybe even sought after by that person, even if I don't want to be thought of like that by them. Especially if I admire them deeply... Or the idea of them, rather.

[npdame]

I want to run away from everything. I want to become someone else. I will always become someone else. I will always run.

[npdame]

I think she is avoiding me. I don't understand why. She told me she could hang out, and then she keeps changing her mind. Do I matter to you or not? Do you love me or not? You're just stringing me along, leading me on just like everyone else. Shower me with admiration and praise and then once you have me, neglect me and laugh at my misery. Just like always.

[npdame]

Supply is lasting less and less now. The time I spend with the people who supposedly admire me, the compliments and attention, are meaning less and less. Small things set me off and I'm afraid of being a bad person like I used to be. I don't know how to change.