esns

re-ap

[nua-esns]

free floating

Miss Wild, who thus changed her name so as to compensate for her Catholic upbringing, hammered into her young body by her newly converted parents, who moved to Canada from Iran and wanted to start there afresh, told me she saw herself as a free floating cosmic spirit, violently pulled down to Earth by the scandal of her birth. That night she opened to me a secret garden in the centre of London, to which she somehow, from someone, got the keys. Imagine yourself as the one you want to be, regardless of the given conditions - every day, many times a day, quietly always. Nothing has so many connective connections. Nothing creates as much and as easy, and as stunningly right, as this.

[nua-esns]

across the line

the line over the matrix ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Everything I’ve written here so far was a pulp. Dung. But the proper theme for which this diary opens up are my time fragments in progression. Day-facts that are not attributable anywhere else. Like this about my stretching arms now, while in a brown Moeckl kangaroo chair, with a Tuesday afternoon honeylight running down my face.

[nua-esns]

it is happening again

I woke up at 5 again. Second day in the row. I sent a message to Beatrice, she asked when we first met, whether it was in Spring 2009. But it was in Spring 2010, there was Parajanov festival going in BFI. Carlos introduced us and, before, I had seen feathers blown down the alley, under the National Theatre, and into the Institute’s corridor.

[nua-esns]

archipelago

Berlin is an island. Hence, chances are that those moving here from the UK will receive things with greater understanding, though with no less enchantment. It might be, however, a real shock-magique for the Continentals, finding themselves suddenly at its shores, shores carved within the Interior. When I came back from a job-related trip to Köln and boarded my first S-Bahn at Gesundbrunnen – seeing these amazing, carelessly uncultivated local girls again, and these unmistakeable little Berlin mongrels – I understood I’m in an isolated zone, out of that past world around. Rules are different here, they change the substance of people and alter the space-time. Berlin Kieze are a Hawaiian archipelago in the middle of Eurasia.

[nua-esns]

flyover

Thursday we've been to Helena Hauff's gig in ://about blank. The flyover leading us there, the white lights of Ostkreuz, the queue, lined up with the road, music, crowd and - the persistent discontent with the club culture. The crisis stays in the affirmative. Yet – as Emma says – you, you're a part of the club.

[nua-esns]

transit

We're dead tired after 25 h car trip with racist Polish bus drivers. Hearing about "goatfuckers" and "dirt" all day, and night, makes me ashamed I'm Polish. At the same time, this Sunday, Legia fans had raised a banner which promised gallows for ennumerated people (mainly liberals, but liberals are to the left from these fascists, aren't they?). Hence I declare an impossiblility-zone for the abovementioned. No pointing fingers, just discharging the taut. Compared to London, Berlin feels very much like my tiny hometown, Sieradz. It's a city that's grown among the woods, but has not overgrown them. And it's a great feeling, Berlin. As for today, my problem with London is: when a city gives away its centre and doesn't get what's destratification – fascades swallow the interiors, theme parks spill over and dickheads reign. What a desert becomes of a place where the top objective is to force oneself above all others.

[nua-esns]

terrorist logic

There’s no terrorist threat. There are means of destruction of the world. A promiscuous anxiety. Simpering privileges. And the lack of inner affirmation. The terrorist threat is not the terrorist threat.

[nua-esns]

why I vote green

J.G. Ballard once asked why he seemed not to opt for a specific political orientation, answered that all this fusty Tory/Labour division is the very thing that fixes the class structure of the British reality. Correct. And opting-out is hence the founding gesture to stimulate growth of a new phenomenon - not a third party, but a truly second one. So when I see these blown-up sections in the Evening Standard with Tory and Labour candidates, and the small print given to all the rest, I’m simply starting to perceive Sian Berry as a structural, necessary agent of change; it’s a tec-now of choice. And the ecosystem as a futu-political translation for economy and equality, uncompressing grassroot networks along the londonfied Thames.

[nua-esns]

buddha garden

I admire Asian families running grocery stores in London. Quite remarkable, the way the Buddha statues and fairy lights dissolve the Brit nullity. And sometimes, when this bland noose gets tighter and tighter and starts dragging you down, it’s really the last instance – turn then to the next fruit stall and get in. A plain equation comes up: if the English flags and football totems are taken away, all the architects are imported and there exists a municipal strategy of planting palm trees within the development – there is still some hope.

[nua-esns]

names

Names, beaded, one called upon to call for another. Nietzsche, Heidegger, Adorno, Bataille, Blanchot, Klossowski, Foucault, Deleuze, Guattari, Derrida, de Man, Harman, Ronell. An estate of writers, rooms filled with chatters; wallpapers embracing, gluing talking people; night ink filling day. A busy street, cut by trams, with bars and shops downstairs, in lieu of shops and chapels.

[nua-esns]

jams and networks

Technology of times. How to be connected and disconnected simultaneously. Take part in little jams and networks, beautiful visions, premonisions, respond to your callings – and take up shitty jobs. Washing dishes, again, happy to have a bit of untaxed money to spend. Life must be invested, otherwise is worth even less than it is. At the same time, it is worth nothing, really, if I'm not heading Thailand afer the season. - pastel sunsets, infinite time, surging waves embracing my docile body

[nua-esns]

Roman Road

The feeling of Roman Road transfers to the “pocket of passage” mode. It’s somewhere in the middle distance between the memory and the future. That’s also the point of an inception, I’m leaving traces.

[nua-esns]

I. K. Bonset

When I go to work to my little mafia den in Shoreditch I’m a Bar Dada Van Doesburg, hiding before a Mondrian-like agency. I. K. Bonset, a thrust into flesh of the grey matter that’s grown around me over the years. I bleed its juices, it thinks my day.

[nua-esns]

disclosure

A murderer has a choice: either he’ll collapse or disclose himself. To himself, as such, not before the others, but nonetheless already before the law. If he’ll withstand his face, he’ll start to clean up after his job: fingerprints, stains, tools, witnesses, he’ll place a phonecall or two and fix his conscience. Eventually, he’ll spawn an innocent child. The thought is concerned only with the second possibility.

[nua-esns]

Inland Empire

One needs to watch “Inland Empire” through its surface. There’s no other way. There’s no way not to notice the difference between this one and the other films. The fluid of the surface puts the elements in place. The scenes with the flowers, in the sun, my favourites, are the confluence of all others: the rest, from the back and front, run deep and devious just to engender these ones.

[nua-esns]

plication

You need to be careful to spot life. It’s within multiple folds, underneath one of them, not common, but not fairy-tale either. Today I’ve seen a documentary on the last days of Lehman Brothers. Life was on the couch in Fuld’s office. When he woke up and thought that he was dreaming it all - there was life.

[nua-esns]

break

It’s almost hard to let go writing. When it’s hard it means it’s started. I’ll try to make a break now and we’ll see if I’ll yet pick up the comp. Careful: I’m trying. What am I trying, really?