I’ve been admiring the success of animal agriculture industry shills on this platform for a while now, so I’d like to share my own price list for any potential interested parties:
£5: I will pretend that I own a leather coat passed down in my family since WWI.
£12: I will forget that any other materials exist besides leather, wool and plastic. For an extra £2, I’ll also shame some poor people who can’t afford to buy animal fabrics in the process.
£15: I will (with a straight face) claim that I only eat cheeseburgers because some indigenous people have to hunt to survive. Alternatively, I can claim that food deserts are the reason I eat meat, despite me not living anywhere near one.
£20: I will weaponise whatever social justice issue is in vogue at the time. I can pretend I believe quinoa is picked by child slaves, vegans eating soy is responsible for deforestation, or that the mere suggestion that animals should have rights is racist or ableist. Enough people who also secretly feel bad about not being vegan will share it uncritically that it’ll drown out anyone offering a sensible rebuttal.
£30: While professing to be a leftist, I will abandon all of my existing anti-capitalist values as soon as animal agriculture is mentioned, and argue for a level of trust in corporate entities that would make a Republican blush. When questioned about this inconsistency, I’ll silence my critics up by asking them if they’ve ever worked on a farm. The fact that I haven’t either will hopefully never come up.
£50: I will make a series of claims about how vegans are destroying the environment. I will make sure these posts appear in the vegan tag, then react with shock and fury when vegans respond to it. I will not be asked for a source, but if I am, I will respond with a 1989 study published in Big Beef Magazine, while insisting on an impossible burden of proof for anyone trying to disprove my claims. No one will question this.
£100: I’ll pretend that I think that veganism is only for rich, white, able-bodied people. When people who don’t fit that stereotype tell me I’m erasing them, I will ignore and/or block them. I’ll have to also pretend that I think beef is less expensive than rice, beans or lentils. When someone calls me out on this, I’ll just move goal the goalposts and start ranting about how not everyone has time to cook. I’ll need another £5 to forget how to read every time someone quotes the Vegan Society definition at me.
Anyway please get back to me if you’re interested; we’ve started pretending fur is sustainable now too so I’ve got my eye on a humane (lmao) mink coat. Chat soon my problematic faves, as a huge lover of leather it would be a genuine pleasure to lick your boot.