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ohillleavewithyourheadsire

TWO ASEXUALS SITTING IN A TREE

S-I-T-T-I-N-G

fandom-man

scholarlypidgeot

@moethh don't hide this in the tags

problemnyatic

the most valueable skill a white leftist can ever learn is how to take an L with grace.

problemnyatic

You gotta be able to take an L if your moral and ethical belief systems are to be capable of guiding you. Otherwise you just have an idealized self where you get really mad and scared when anyone points out it isn't actually you. How the fuck are you gonna walk the walk if you can't handle being told when you are not, in fact, actually walking it

problemnyatic

you cannot just socially transition into being a good person you are going to have to settle for being a messy human being who has to try and fail and keep trying to get better like everyone else. yeah even when it's embarassing and sucks for you a lot.

bellecs

ofgeography

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY–

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

“i received the tv bill today,” my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. “does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?”

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)

my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)

my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)

me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

“don’t expose my kid to that crap.”

DON’T

EXPOSE

MY KID

TO THAT CRAP

“if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room.”

I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT

IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

are you fucking kidding

i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for

my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences

my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

are you fucking kidding

this is the best thing i’ve ever done

butchniqabi

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houndmother

every day i send emails with screenshots and attachments and highlighting on important bits and full paragraphs explaining what happened and why it’s a problem and how i would recommend fixing it and every day people far above my pay grade ask the stupidest questions you can imagine that clearly convey that they barely skimmed the email

houndmother

you think the reading comprehension is bad on tumblr? try working in corporate america for like. a week.

horreurscopes

never forget the universal rule of the order of things: People Will Not Read It

horreurscopes

signs at stores? émail? menu ?? instruction ? post online ? caption with andswer to question ? group hand outs ??? street sign ??? no. The Written Word Is The Enemy

lasrina

#The number of compliments i have gotten for reading a thing

The ability to occasionally Read A Thing will make you a hero in your workplace, especially if it is for example an error message that tells you what you need to do differently, or instructions on unjamming a printer.

stephaniematurin

how dare you say we put jam in the printer

trans-seraphim

i always click the "track package" button as soon as i get the email. "oh boy i wonder where my package is!" warehouse.

the-peoples-puppy

Full elaboration is gonna have to be later, just taking a few minutes to cool off after a shower before starting my homework; but I do think it's pretty obvious that the strain of vindictively disdainful anti-intellectualism and conspiratorial thought devouring the imperial core whole and unfortunately being spread via its parasitic connections to the civilized world is kind of directly traceable to the choices made in the pursuit of anti-communism.

Oops it turns out you can't keep thinking critically for too much longer as a cultural zeitgeist if your response to the most critical thought to ever exist is rabid, chauvinistic nationalism, teehee now there are maggots eating your country's brain and they're in the highest echelons of power. :3

the-peoples-puppy

Uh oh! Your grandpa wanted to own the commies so your grandkids are going to be learning about white genocide in civics, the firmament in physics, and hyperboria in history!

the-peoples-puppy

So like there simply is no factually, morally correct justification for being the core of the most gluttonously cruel empire in human history right? All you can do when that's pointed out is cope and suppress, which means the only answer you can give is the wrong one - and those wrong answers make their way into the cultural consciousness like runoff chicken shit growth hormone water soaks into the nearby river.

If you're allowed to be wrong, if 'everyone's entitled to their opinion' is a cultural touchstone, but also there are some ideas so radically, evilly subversive that just being exposed to them is sufficient to overwrite your will (because of course communist ideas can't be debated in the capitalist marketplace of ideas, being as fire to water - hence the lie of brainwashing) then to try to expose people to ideas they disagree with necessarily becomes an infringement on liberty, an attempt to kill the intangible personhood they contain that's free of being changed by ideas, because of course all capitalist approved ideas within the overton window are simply politically inert facts of human nature and the way of the world.

Within those confines, to try to convince an american to be a communist is tantamount to attempted murder, which means it's reasonable to defend yourself at all times with reciprocally proportionate self defense - and to be on the lookout with the anxious paranoia of the white settler for anyone who might have the knife of Marxism-Leninism aimed at your occipital for an ideological lobotomy.

Then, of course, because dialectical historical materialism can't be allowed to take root, because it points accurately to capitalism being a passing and abusive fad, historically speaking, the people are denied their capacity to see history as a winding river - and need to be told it's a terrifying whirlwind of non-logical disjointed events happening for no rhyme or reason anecdotally.

Though uneducated and deliberately denied the facts of the world, the average American has at least a familiarity with the fact that they're loathed, universally, by everyone in the rest of the world for one reason or another. Not being allowed to be told why that is lest they grasp the monstrosity of their cruelty towards the whole of humanity and the whole cultural entity commits an egregoric suicide on the spot, they retreat into the realm of conspiracy to connect the dots with invisible, all powerful shadow entities, known in the common parlance as Jews, that are deliberately obfuscating the education of the true history and state of the world from them, the main characters of the world around which the whole arc of human history bends.

So, with all these disparate floating concepts being allowed to run roughshod over the noosphere, you get a society gripped with a bone deep terror that they're 100% right, the only things they can think are that they have enemies, and everyone who tries to convince them otherwise is One Of Them And Trying To Get Me - and oops now measles gets to come back from the 18th century and every autopsy finds a lego brick in your appendix.