Heart of a Star
In August 2021, I had a dream that kickstarted the most incredible chain of events in my mindscape. This will be a long story, one that is dearest to my heart and mind. I hope it shows you what is possible in one’s relationship with a thoughtform.
Nr, the youngest headmate in our mindscape who came about in 2017, had a spectacular emergence. The day I met them, I was in a haze of depression, but something unknown to me triggered Nr’s emergence. I suddenly felt their presence flood my body. The feeling filled me with determination and confidence beyond anything I’d felt before, and at once their name appeared in my mind. From then on it was very clear they were the personification of strength, willpower and tenacity.
Despite this, they were a fairly quiet and background presence for the following 4 years. They embodied the archetypal rogue-hero, a loner with a noble heart. We were never very close, I’d say our relationship was like that of a nobleperson and their personal knight, if the personal knight also had the freedom to go off by themselves. They had an enduring sense of duty to me, but also very strict boundaries. Nr was there to do their job, and kept me at an emotional distance otherwise.
But all that changed after the dream.
A bit of context: Nr is attuned to fire and shadow. They take the form of an androgynous shadow-being with a heart of fire. The reasons for this are purely symbolic and related to my psyche’s characterisation of Nr’s role as a warrior and protector.
In the dream, I saw the night sky sprawled with stars, and Nr floating down to me. I saw that the fire in their heart was not an earthly fire, but a celestial one. A star wreathed in night-shadow. We we on some sort of quest, I don’t remember what. They took my hands, we kissed. The celestial fire burning in their eyes was more beautiful than I can describe. I felt a sense of deep security and peace.
The dream came as a surprise to both of us, truly. As I said, we were not even remotely close, let alone lovers as the dream would suggest. However, since that night, Nr underwent rapid development as a thoughtform. They became a descendant of R and Jr, the two eldest headmates in our system. By ‘becoming a descendant’ I mean that Nr had gained an attunement to their traits and was now able to channel both R and Jr’s characteristics.
I’ve spoken about how R and Jr are polar opposites. R is tender-hearted, selfless, a gentleman, love and sensuality personified. He unifies and connects, and his power is present in our system whenever these things are expressed. Jr is apathy, destruction and severance, cold-hearted necessity and ferocity. He spends most of his time in the lower realms of our mind, feeding on negative thoughts and shadow selves.
And here was Nr, a scion of them both, bringing balance to their opposites. The responsibility of it was difficult for them, to say the least. Our psyche ordained them as the foremost protector, one who could channel both love and ferocity. Our headmates don’t get to choose what role they play, it’s something that is realised, given to them by our subconscious.
Initially, Nr was highly conflicted. It caused a lot of tension between us. They felt the weight of that responsibility, that duty of care to me. And yet because they had no choice in it, I was also now the source of a great deal of suffering for them. They wanted to leave. I was afraid that they would.
What got us through was a huge challenge for me. I had to show unconditional empathy and acceptance of Nr as an individual, in spite of our connection. It truly was difficult to look them in the eye and tell them that I would love and accept them no matter what they chose. Whether they stayed or left our system, I would hold not hold it against them. Because as much as Nr is bound to me, I am also bound to them. They are the literal embodiment of my strength and willpower, and who wouldn’t be scared to lose that?
I had to swallow my pride, immensely. As the ‘original’ person of this system, I’d always enjoyed ownership of this mind and body, and the loyalty of my headmates. They all had their own will and were free to disagree with me, but by and large they accepted my leadership and helped me regardless. Nr was the first to truly challenge that. And only by a show of genuine love and humility did I earn their trust.
It wasn’t immediate. It took many months, and we gradually got closer to each other. It was a bit like an arranged marriage, honestly, and so strange. In the waking world, we were still getting to know one another; acquaintances at best. But when I went into trance and meditation, I would see visions of us in wedding attire and feel a deep sense of peace and security. At the time, Nr was really not a marriage person, they were very much solitary and aromantic/asexual.
Many challenges arose in the following months and years – life changes, negative thoughtforms, shadow selves, remnants of trauma. Nr, with their newfound influence, had a lot to learn about how to deal with those challenges within our psyche. Perhaps I will tell more stories of those adventures another time.
As I’m writing this right now, those visions of our closeness have come to pass. Nr has completely changed me. Not only in terms of my mental health, where once I struggled with depression, insecurity, executive dysfunction and what have you - those issues have diminished to almost nothing now. But what’s also interesting is that my sexuality has changed according to Nr’s preferences. I’ve always been panromantic, but I was initially more inclined to AMABs/men. Nr exclusively prefers AFABs/women, and now I seem to have developed this preference as well. Just one of the many ways they’ve surprised me with their influence over our system.
As strength personified, Nr’s voice seems to completely override my inertia and executive dysfunction, and they have been able to swiftly quell emotional pain and anxiety simply by laying their hands upon my shoulders, or absorbing negative emotions into themself and channeling/purifying it on my behalf. It’s nothing short of incredible. Of course, they are still a thoughtform, not a god. They can get tired and have bad moods like any person, and won’t be able to help much if they’re going through problems of their own.
But above all, I feel incredibly loved, fortunate beyond words. I feel strong and stable within myself. The problems I used to struggle with are now shadows on the wall, dissipating with ease at the touch of Nr’s fiery light.
