she's sorry.
she wants you to know that she's sorry.
sorry for the way she is, and how she acts sometimes. her brain is damaged; it has been for as long as she can remember. her anxiety is the first thing she wants to apologize for. her thinking process is is an error, an endless cycle. anxious thoughts race through her mind, day and night, round and round like a merry go round. from past to present, she remembers it all.
her trauma.
her insecurities.
the hurt.
betrayal.
her mind is telling her to worry about anything and everything. she's sorry for the days when when her tears stream down her swollen cheeks, and uncontrollable sobs rack her whole body. how she trembles so much that her body is frozen in one position, all while she sits there and wonders, "what's wrong with me?"
she's sorry for the scenarios that she makes up in her head; they all seem so real. you're leaving her. you don't want her anymore. she's not pretty enough. not thin enough. just not good enough. she's too much to deal with - unworthy of you.
but it isn't her fault.
her mind has been cruel to her. people have been cruel to her. but she's trying, so don't you dare say she's not. she will grow, at her own pace in her own time.
there will be a point where she begins to trust her new life, and that maybe the rug won't be pulled out from under her again. but on behalf of her anxiety, she is truly sorry.
