Oh I Know Her!

My name is Amanda Isernia. I feel like I always have something to say about something and what better way than a blog. I don't really care if I have no followers or whatever, the main purpose is just to get my thoughts and feelings written down.

[ohiknowher]

Archis - "Blood"

I've got my words, they're gonna cut. Sure it took a while to say it's enough

I've got my heart, it's full of love. Sure it took a while to learn it's enough

[queengg]

[ohiknowher]

Sia - "Chandelier"

This song...exactly how I feel inside.. I would be this person were it not for someone in my life.

[ohiknowher]

I Give Myself Very Good Advice, But I Very Seldom Follow It. That Explains the Trouble That I'm Always In...

It's always easier to be strong for someone else than it is for yourself. 

I've found that I can dish it out to my friends and my family but I can never take my own advice. I know I'm not alone in this, but why is that?

Why is it that most, if not everyone has difficulty following their own advice?

Is it the fear of knowing you are in trouble and need advice? Is it feeling like your troubles are exempt from advice in general? or is it a small thrill of being in some sort of drama that brings a bit of excitement into your life?

It could be a number of things but I do know for a fact, it's a pain in the ass.

[ohiknowher]

I Brought This on Myself, I Thought That I Knew Best...

I am an ocean. I am full of life and yet, I am empty all at once. Dark, vast and full of mystery. That is me and that is all I've known. How do you change what you have always known?

I've always known this about myself, I push people away. I like to be alone. When I am alone with myself, I feel normal. And when I am alone and depressed, I feel normal. I find comfort in being depressed.

It's a sick relationship really. I'm comfortable being depressed because it's all I've known for so long but at the same time I hate it. I hate it cause that is not normal, that is not comfortable. Why am I like this? All I do is hurt the people that try to get close to me. 

I think that is why I push them away, to protect them from me. 

I am an ocean. Enticing and calm and yet, I am dangerous and unpredictable all at once. 

[ohiknowher]

Watch my latest diy here: http://youtu.be/PWc_ex1H3LQ where I show you how to make your own custom polaroid magnets and coasters! Perfect for sprucing up your apartment or home. Super cute, easy, and inexpensive! 

[astrolovecosmos]

Cancer Woman

The Cancer woman wants to be the whole package for her partner. She can be a freak in the bed as well as the homemaker. She is adaptable but does not want to be controlled, she can provide for herself and her partner, and most Cancer’s are good with money and are very practical. She is loving, caring, and doesn’t want to ever leave her lovers side. She will take care of her partner and many times baby them. She can be smothering, possessive, and moody. Her emotions can be outrageous. If you want to be with a Cancer you better learn how to swim because she is as deep, as changing, and as lovely as the ocean. She might be a homebody so get ready for plenty of nights of cuddling and watching netflix. She wants a partner who is strong, devoted, and who she can emotionally connect with and even get attached to. She has a romantic side and she is sentimental. She can hold a grudge and trying to figure out what is wrong can be a challenge. She may be prone to passive-aggression. In the end a Cancer woman makes for an appealing, nurturing, and loyal lover.

[ohiknowher]

SCARY how accurate this is.

[ohiknowher]

I'll Love You Forever...That's the Problem...

My inner demons have been rearing their ugly heads up again. Maybe it's because I missed my meds for practically a week and am trying to get back in my normal state of mind. Regardless, I've been struggling with my constant self-loathing and masochistic curiosity. What I really mean is, stalking THE ex via social media. 

I hate myself for it really but when I'm like this, it's so hard to resist. It's so easily accessible. It's like knowing a cookie is in the kitchen. You know you shouldn't eat it because who needs the extra calories and trans fat? but at the same time... you have history with this cookie. It was damn good at one point right? Well, I went for the cookie. 

I'm sure you don't have to guess what I found or how I felt about it. He's moved on with some girl who is naturally gorgeous, has a great body and I'm sure she's got a heart of gold and has no issues. Great. It's not like this is news to me but I guess it's finally have come to terms with my real true feelings. I'm not jealous that they are with him or anything. What I really feel is...anger.

I'm angry because after me, the next girlfriends (yes plural) got their public recognition. They weren't a secret. In fact, they were praised countless times about how amazing they were and how much they were loved and what did I get? Nothing. I was the secret. I was the joke. I was the easy lay who could be kept on the side and wasn't good for anything else. 

What was so different about me? Why wasn't I good enough to be treated like them or treated like a girlfriend? Why wasn't I good enough to be paraded around like you were proud to be with me? I'm just...angry. And the worst part is that I'll always have love for him, but I'll never get past knowing that I was the girl who wasn't good enough. 

I'm angry I was treated like shit for 3 years of my life. I'm angry at myself for allowing mistreatment for 3 years of my life. I'm angry that I wasn't strong enough, pretty enough, smart enough...good enough. Good enough for him, good enough for anyone, good enough for me. 

I don't know who I am anymore. The decisions I've made, the thoughts I have, the anger I hold inside. Who is this person? Where did she come from? 

I feel like the last 2 years have been a time of great struggle for me. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong. Sure things are slowly starting to fall in to place and come together...but not me. Why not me? I feel like everything around me, people, places, circumstances have gotten better, but me. 

Why am I still lost?

[ohiknowher]

Check out my latest DIY where I show you how to make cool/easy wall art with your old magazines!

Don't forget to give it a thumbs up if you like it and subscribe =)

[rayzap]

Hey guys, heres a still from the Patrick Richter directed film ‘Dragger' coming soon. Here I am with my co-star and friend Alex Schiff. 

Please spread the word guys! Amazing crew and cast

I’ll keep you up to date on a release date. 

[ohiknowher]

Keep tabs on the film 'Dragger' by Patrick Richter! 

My favorite cousin is starring in it ;)

[ohiknowher]

Check out my latest review for The Fault in Our Stars by John Green! If you like it, make sure you give it a thumbs up, and/or leave a comment on the video letting me know if you're nervous or excited about the upcoming film adaptation. 

Don't have a youtube account? 

Reach out to me on Twitter or Instagram using @amandaisernia and #amandareads

Take care!

[ohiknowher]

I Don't Know Where to Go, I Don't Know What to Feel, I Don't Know How to Cry..

I don't know what has been going on with me lately. 

The last week or so I feel like I just haven't been able to breathe. I find myself walking around feeling this huge lump in my throat, this anvil on my chest, and an inability to feel relaxed. It almost feels like a panic attack, just no panic. 

It's hard to explain but I guess really what I've been feeling is...well, lost. 

I used to be so confident in all my decisions but as of late I just feel like I'm stuck. Maybe not stuck per say, but I just feel an extreme amount of pressure and I don't know how to relieve it. 

Recently I was supposed to go on a trip with my family and I was looking forward to that escape, that distraction. Well of course the trip was cancelled, sorry "post-poned" and so I feel like I don't have an escape, I don't have a distraction.

Sometimes I wish I could just be alone and figure it out alone. I feel like I'm just not ready for all this pressure, these commitments, and such. 

I mean, I'm 22 yrs old and I feel like I haven't lived my life. I feel like I've been so concerned with what everyone else wants and what is going to make them happy that I never really stopped and asked myself, what the hell is gonna make you happy? Do you think you need time to figure it out?

I mean, aren't these the years to be selfish? aren't these the years for self-discovery? 

I just wanna do things and not have to worry about the repercussions or consequences. I don't know what exactly, but I just want this pressure gone. Sometimes I feel like a break is what I need but at the same time, will I ever have things this good again?

Or is this me just self-destructing again? Everything is good so it's time to fuck it up. 

I wanna breathe again. I don't know how, but I just gotta try and figure it out. I can't keep going like this. 

I'm just really lost right now. 

[ohiknowher]

Hey guys!  Check out my newest DIY where I show you how to make your own customized wine glass charm/tags. Super easy and super inexpensive! I went with a disney princess theme for my wine charms but you don't have to if you don't want to. The possibilities are endless! You can do a harry potter theme, game of thrones theme, candy theme, pokemon theme, anything really. That's the best part about DIYs, you make them your own  Make sure if you enjoyed the video that you like, comment, and/or subscribe! Thanks for watching 

[ohiknowher]

Check out my review/chat on new release, Panic by Lauren Oliver.

Giveaway included for those who subscribe! Open internationally!

[ohiknowher]

You Tremble Like You've Seen a Ghost and I Gave In. I Lack the Things You Need the Most, You Said "Where Have You Been?"

I'm just tired of people leaving..

I feel like my entire life has been a series of people walking in and out of it. And I get it, oh I get it. I understand that well, life happens, and it's typical and almost expected for people to be there and then not be there. It's all part of our phases of life. I hate that crap saying, If they belong in your life, they will stay there. 

Frankly, why can't everyone stay? Why is it that not everyone will continue to be there? When did it become the norm to lose the people who matter most to you, to move on? And I don't mean death, I mean... literally walking away and never saying a word. I believe it was Peyton Sawyer who said it best, "Everyone leaves".

Best friends, close friends, family...every one. 

It makes you wonder if it really is all life's doing. Is there something that I'm doing wrong? Is it me making them walk away or is it me pushing them?

It would be so much easier if I didn't feel so much. I took a quiz the other day and of course my results were exactly as predicted, I'm severely sensitive. Well duh, I'm a cancer. I already knew that. 

What I feel is empathy in practically every situation. I take things on a deeper level and so when someone doesn't want to know me any more... it's kind of like someone pushing me down in the sand box and stealing my toy shovel and pail and saying, "Thanks loser, fuck off".

I mean, I think about all the people who left...practically on a regular basis. Do they even give a minute to give a fuck about me? or am I that forgettable? 

I guess I've come to the conclusion that at the end of the day, you're always going to be alone. And if you can't find comfort in being alone with yourself, well then you're shit out of luck right?  People come and go, but you'll always have yourself. Get comfortable, you're not going any where. 

But then again, I just want them to stay..

[ohiknowher]

Hey there! Check out my first vlog! My boyfriend and I took a tour of the Time Warner Cable studios where they were hosting Game of Thrones: The Exhibition! It was a ton of fun because the entire tour was very interactive. 

Please comment, like, and subscribe for more videos!

Thanks for watching!!

[ohiknowher]

Hey there! Check out my latest DIY where I show you 3 easy, inexpensive, and last minute Valentine's Day gifts for your loved ones!

If you're like me where you're celebrating Valentine's Day at a later date, you have extra time to whip up something special...so what better gift than one you made!

Also perfect for anniversaries!