You’re in for a long ride with this one, ladies and gentlemen, so I’m gonna keep this short. I put my entire being into this and I’m incredibly of it. Thanks so much for requesting this, @addictwithaheavydirtycheetah! Happy reading, everyone! (Warning: You may want to have a box of tissues on deck.)
When I Met You (playlist)
When you met him, your life was in shambles. It was spiraling out of control and you thought there was no way of escaping it. You saw everything in shades of black and white. No matter where you looked, you couldn’t see the colors that once brought you so much joy. You tried everything---therapists, meditation, medication, but, to no avail, you were stuck in what seemed to be an endless circle of bland, lifeless days with no way out.
And then, one day, as if it were magic, your grey world sprang to life as your eyes met his. They were beautiful. A swirling mixture of blues, greens, and hazels that you’d never be able to erase from your memory. When he approached you from across the room, you were at a loss for words. Had he noticed your staring? What were you going to say? How should you act? The air was knocked out of your lungs as he finally stood before you. The way he looked at you... It was as if you were the only person in the world. Like you were all he could focus on; all he wanted to focus on.
You would give anything to relive that moment. When you first saw him. So you could cherish it; remember every detail. The lighting. His smile. How each hair on his head sprang every which way. His eyes. The freckle on the left side of his chin. Every painting that stood still around you as your head spun. You didn’t know how selfish you were. All because you never thought that it could end.
Two months… How has it already been two months? How has it only been two months? He was always there. Since the moment you met him, he was there to comfort you. To hold you. To love you. And then he was just gone. Torn away suddenly and there was nothing you could do about it. Your Ethan... He deserved so much more than this cruel world gave him. It was unfair. Everything about it. He should be here instead of you; that’s all you’re ever able to think. Who wouldn’t?
You absorbed every word he said that night. Something about him was so… Magnetic. You couldn’t help it. Your head was in the clouds on your way home. Was this love at first sight? Things like that didn’t happen, but for the first time in your life you were beginning to wonder if they did. You shook the thought out of your head. Surely he had someone. How could he not? He was the closest thing to perfection you’d ever come across.
You exchanged numbers and parted ways when the hosts were shooing everyone out of their event. You couldn’t decide if texting him would be a good idea or not---you didn’t want to annoy him. The last thing you needed was to scare him off before you really got to know him. The drive home was spent fighting an internal debate. Then, it happened. As you turned the key to your apartment, your phone lit up.
Even though he could never answer, you still sent messages to his phone sometimes. Called him just to hear him speak when it went to voicemail. It was therapeutic in some ways. In others, it was unhealthy to be so dependent on a disconnected phone number and you knew that. At least you weren’t off making stupid decisions.
Falling into the comfort of drugs, alcohol, and terrible coping habits that so many develop in this situation. It hurt, but if you were numb to that, you’d be numb to those warm feelings you got any time you would think of your happiest times together. How could you betray him like that? By destroying yourself, you knew it could tear up everything else you have left in your life. That was the last thing he would ever have wanted for you.
It wasn’t anything profound---just a simple “Hey, did you give me the right number?” kind of message. Of course you did. Why would you not? And that’s what you sent him back. He seemed surprised, which surprised you. You couldn’t wrap your head around how anyone could do that, especially to him. The number you were staring at as you stood in your hallway was marked as unknown. So, you change it. Ethan. What a nice name.
When you finally come to your senses, you realize just how terribly deep you are. Mere hours ago, you were standing exactly where you are now, absolutely dreading the art gallery your sister was dragging you to. So many unknown people you knew you’d never be able to talk to, pretending to enjoy each other’s company. Who wants that? And now, here you are. Falling in love with a near stranger.
Your door lock clicks as you close it behind you and there stood your sister before you, just as she did three years ago, ready to force you out of your funk. She knew it would take more to help you with this one for more reasons than one. She was sure to check in on you every day at least once a day and took you out twice a week. It was like you were some kind of pet she had an obligation to care for. You knew she was just trying to help and you didn’t have the heart to tell her that a video call and going out to lunch a couple times a week wouldn’t bring you out of whatever this was.
So, you stuck with it. Put on a smile for her sake and humored her. You knew it affected her, too. Losing him. That’s why you did it. This was her way of coping and trying to help you cope. They were partners in crime; allies from the very start. Allies with you as their enemy, of course, but you loved how close they were. It made you feel safe. Protected. Like when you were with them both, nothing could ever happen to you and you could take on the world in an instant.
Long texts turned into long phone calls as the two of you would talk through the night with no regard for the sun creeping up over the horizon. It made making it through the day without sleep difficult, but you always felt energized after you spoke. No matter what it was about. Your heart would skip a beat when your phone vibrated. Your eyes would light up as your screen did. Disappointment would seep into your mind anytime it wasn’t him. It was nonsense. You were good friends. That’s all. That’s all he thought of it as, you were sure. You were scared to push it any further. What if it ruined everything you’d worked so hard as a pair to build up? A platonic friendship. That’s all it could be and you needed to come to terms with that.
Sometimes you would talk about your favorite characters from The Office, some nights you would have in-depth discussions about music or your terrible love lives. Every now and again you would question the universe and have existential crises together. Those conversations were your favorite part of every day, no matter how much sleep it cost you. It was almost as if those words gave you what you needed to get through them. It was in those moments that you realized that with every word, you were falling in, deeper and deeper. There was nothing you could do to stop it. He held your heart in his hands and he had absolute no idea. It was terrifying, exciting, and absolutely invigorating.
The street flies by as you stare from the window of your sister’s car. You didn’t know where she was taking you this time. You didn’t really care. Spending time with someone you loved was enough to get you through. You count every sign as they pass, every curb you turn. A path you’d memorized long ago was painful to travel. Too many memories. Both good and bad. After he was gone, it felt like you would never be able to see it again. It was a heartbreak that could never be fixed, no matter how much time passed.
Your relationship progressed quickly. One moment, you were the best of friends and the next? The best of friends who just so happened to be moving in together. Into a small apartment on Cherry Street. On the last day of hauling boxes, Ethan pulled you away from all of the packing tape and bubble wrap. Took you to a little rocky beach nearby with a small blanket, bottle of wine, and his camera. He told you he wanted to celebrate such a huge moment in your relationship. Little did you know, it would be even bigger than you thought it could be.
Bright lights from the city and passing cars shone brightly on the water. As the sun set, it illuminated his face slightly and you could see your breath as it danced in front of you. Just enough so you could see the eyes that mesmerized you what felt like so long ago. The crooked smile that stole your heart the moment you laid eyes on him. Everything about him was anything you could ever want. Forever with him would be heaven to you.
You couldn’t quite say that you were expecting it. When he pulled the small, velvet box from his pocket, you were in absolute awe. It was the first time you found yourself believing that forever could be real. That, maybe just this once, everything would be okay. Perfection could only last so long. You knew that. Didn’t stop you from embracing it, though. From embracing him. There were no words to describe how much you loved him. Your heart was so full. So happy.
There have only been two times in your life where time stood still. That was one. The excitement in the air was palpable and it stayed like that for the whole month of September. Sharing the news with friends and family, preparing for the wedding, all of it. It was like nothing you’d ever experienced before. You never were one for planning, but he’d always been an exception to all that you previously believed about the world and yourself.
You look over at your sister as the car halts outside of a wrought iron gate. She reaches out and squeezes your hand with a tight smile. She knew just how much you needed this. Every single day you told her how much you wished he would just show up. Knock on your door and see his face one last time. That’s it. It was impossible. You were well aware, but it cut like a knife to think about. He always said that he wanted you to be his last first kiss, but you never imagined it would end the way it did.
All you wanted was to climb in and curl up next to him. Tell him everything would be alright—that you could make it better like he always did for you. But you couldn’t. You were stuck in the prison that was your mind as every piece of your shattered heart lowered into the ground with him. Nothing could ease the numbness settled in your chest. It was the perfect day outside. The sun was shining and the sky was blue. It taunted you. It was all wrong. It was three on a Monday. You should have been at home cuddling with Spencer. He should be holed up in his office doing what he loved for thousands of people who loved him. Just like always.
You looked over to see Amy holding Mark tightly as he fell apart. Tyler stood rigid next to the pair. Around you so many people were hurting just as much as you and, yet, you’d never felt more alone. As if the universe cheated only you just because it could. Ethan was a light, in the darkest of places to every single person he’d ever touched the hearts of, be it through his words or the internet. Especially you. And, suddenly that light was ripped away. Torn from your grasp and held just from your reach.
Everything you loved seemed to have no meaning anymore. The stars you once believed to be so beautiful were now dull because he would never see them again. You found yourself speaking to the moon at night, though. It seemed like a connection you could share with him. As if it were a long distance phone call he would never answer. There was too much left to be said. Too many ‘I love you’s to share. You still had the forever he promised you left, but forever was gone in an instant.
As you approached the yellowing patch of grass you knew so well, the ring that sat on your left hand weighed heavily. Today would have been the day. A day filled with secret smiles and pure happiness. The flowers at your feet would have been in your hand as you walked down the aisle dressed in white, ready to say ‘I do’ to the only man you’d ever truly loved. Instead, you would be drowning in your own tears and not because of sweet words from your would-have-been husband, as so many brides do. It may have been too soon, but you knew if you didn’t do it now, you never would. It was finally time to bid him farewell, no matter how much it hurt you. Nothing it felt right. As though you deserved more time to grieve and wallow in your own despair.
You spent the previous night with him, though. In a dream. The first you’d had since his passing. The two of you talked, just like you always would. Like nothing ever changed. As the sun rose in the real world, a beautiful dusty sunset illuminated his eyes. It was time to say goodbye to him and you weren’t ready, but you did it. You woke up crying and you knew. Saying goodbye didn’t mean letting go of him for forever. There was a part of your soul that would always belong to him and that was okay. You just couldn’t relive life through pictures anymore, no matter how much you wanted to. The thought of moving on terrified you. You’d never be able to find another love like you shared with Ethan. If your soulmate is gone, what does one do for the rest of their life? You didn’t want to be alone and you would be if you didn’t set him free.
He was so good to you. Made you laugh when you felt like crying Saw you through your hardest times. Supported you unconditionally. In every single thing that he did, he made your life better. You hoped he was somewhere beautiful. The kind of place that had perfect weather with just a sprinkling of snow every now and then to remind him of home. That he would save a place next to you for when the time comes. Until then it was best to just remember him as he was and hope he does the same for you.
There are so many things you can plan. A birth. A date. A wedding. A funeral. But never in a million years could you have prepared yourself for the life-long journey you were taken on when you met him...