Dealing with Toxic Parents
(transcript from my podcast - Fearless Podcast with Rachel Mellema)
Today we’re going to be talking about how to lovingly deal with toxic parents. It doesn’t even have to be toxic parents, perhaps you have some toxic uncles, aunts, cousins, step-siblings, you name it.
Sometimes when you think of that family member you just think “Wow, they’re so toxic, so manipulative, just being around the really drains me”. So how do you cope? Is there any hope in hanging out with them or being around them and still remain sane? Is cutting off all contact too dramatic?
I think for starters, it’s best to evaluate if your parent is actually toxic. No one gets along with their parents 100% all the time, parents and kids come from different places, raised in different circumstances, have different personalities and often make mistakes with each other. For example, if your mum says something critical and it really annoys you or if she questions your fashion choices and it drives you up the wall then it’s probably inconvenient and a little bit bad, but not full-on toxic. However, if a parent has trouble regulating their emotions and communicating their emotions then things could be really bad really quickly. You wouldn’t want to be a parent and have your child feel like they have to walk around eggshells around you. So ask yourself, do you feel like you can breathe when you’re around your parent? Do you feel like you have to twist yourself into someone you’re not just to please them? Are they controlling, manipulative, overly mean or being overly dependent? If so then you may actually have a toxic parent.
The Bible does tell us to honour our mother and fathers because it is the right thing to do and results in us having a good and long life, and it pleases God when we do. However, the Bible also tells parents (it actually says fathers here, but it can apply to mothers I’d imagine) to not irritate and aggravate their children. God wants above all for us to prosper and to be in good mental and physical health because He loves us. We need to allow ourselves to take measures to protect us from harmful parental behaviour.
Another thing to be aware of is usually when you’re dealing with toxic parents you’ll find that boundaries have been disrupted. Sometimes children are more aware of the parent’s needs than the parent is of the kid’s. For example, your parent could have had a bad day and they come home and vent to the child about it and seek for the kid to make them feel better & to sort out their problems. Toxic parents are usually so self-absorbed in their own issues and their own emotional roller coasters that the kid doesn’t know how to be themselves because they’re constantly trying to reassure their own parent. If you find yourself in this situation it’s important to redirect the conversation and catch when these negative patterns start to come up. This way you’re showing your parent when kind of behaviour and boundaries you would like to set in place. Tell them when calmly and nicely you’re feeling anxious, tense or if you just need a break from the conversation, don’t feed into it by blowing back up at the parent. Validate their feelings, but suggest that they talk to another adult about their issues and not to you. Try to practice your responses so that you know what to say when the time comes. Proverbs 15:1 says “A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up anger”. So there’s no point yelling at your parent to get what you want, I understand you may be frustrated but it isn’t the right way to go.
If you are really struggling to be around the toxic family member, then perhaps give yourself some space and consider staying with other family members or friends that your parents trust. Or try having a full calendar and limit your time that you spend around your family, this might be difficult if you’re younger, but this could mean that you stay behind at school do to homework there instead of at home, or you have after school sport, or dance, etc. You could do volunteer activities at your local church like volunteer in kids ministry, or offer to help set up for an upcoming conference, just ask I’m sure your church will need the extra help. This way you’re positively setting boundaries for yourself, you’re in charge of what you give emotionally and physically with time. It sounds harsh, distancing yourself from family members, but everybody needs a break every now and then. You’re a human being with your own inner boundaries, so establish those boundaries, we should not feel guilty if we choose to avoid or limit our contact with toxic parents to protect our mental health.
The last thing I have to say is this: Don’t let their words define who you are. A lot of people allow their parent’s harmful behaviour to define who they are. It can sometimes be really harmful and you could grow up believing that you’re ugly, stupid, naive, lazy, weak or just bad, because of the negative messages you heard growing up. For a long time, I believed a lot of things about myself that I was told while growing up, I still sometimes struggle with it today. I struggle with believing that I’m not stupid, that I’m loveable or that I’m not weak, and constantly needing to apologise for everything I do, even if it wasn’t actually bad.
I haven’t perfectly “arrived” yet, but I am a lot better today than I was 5 years ago or even 10 years ago. I was introduced to my youth group when I was in year 11, I had the biggest panic attacks and constantly believed that people there hated me, and thought I was crazy and not worthy of having any friends. But over time the more I went and the more I learned about what being a Christian actually meant and when I actually started to study what the Bible said, I learned that God has a different opinion about me than what I was told growing up. God thinks i’m smart, capable, strong, and worthy of honour and respect.
It can still be difficult but get into the habit of rejecting the negative messages and stop taking on what your parents say about you or treat you.
You don’t know, maybe they’re only reacting because of something bad and traumatic that happened in their past that they don’t want to talk about but is manifesting itself in these negative, toxic behaviours. Or maybe it’s because of substance abuse or mental health issues. They may have emotional problems like anger and it clouds their judgment and they lose self-control. Others may use the “honour” command to control and guilt their kids into doing things their kids don’t want to do. I don’t know, sometimes we just don’t know the real cause. But by accepting who God says you are and not what your parents say you are, you are dealing with them in a really mature way.
And the next step in this direction would be forgiving your parents. I get it, forgiving isn’t easy, it’s a process and it takes time, it is so easy to be filled with bitterness. A painful childhood isn’t going to heal overnight. It’s hard to admit that the parents who were supposed to love, care, and protect us were unloving, mean, abusive, or cruel, let alone forgive them. But when you start the forgiving process, you do it for you, not them. You let go of resentment and emotional pain and you start to heal, and if you hold on then it will poison your life and you will never get that time back again. It can manifest in anger management issues in your adult life for several years, if you don’t get onto of it you could hurt an innocent person one day with your actions or your words. I can’t make you, but decide today to start the process of forgiving your parents, stop obsessing about how you’ve been wronged and start to heal. In the perfect world parents would realise what they’ve done and apologise and try to make amends, but sometimes that doesnt happen. Sometimes the parent is in denial that they’ve even hurt their child and just won’t listen. Ultimately you just have to accept them for who they are, and let go of any unrealistic expectations of our parents and try to forgive them. Forgiving them doesn’t mean that what they’ve done is ok, it means that you’re leaving them in God’s hands and He’s going to deal with them, and start or continue to shower His love and care on you. As you pray for your parents, and as time goes on, they could change and it is important to be open to that possibility. It may take time for your parents to realise that you’re not going to tolerate the put-downs, belittling remarks, and criticism but eventually, they might come around and understand that you have drawn up boundaries. I definitely have a good relationship with my parent, thanks to establishing boundaries.
Other than the Bible, there are many resources you could use to help you in this area, for example: “Beauty for Ashes” or “Healing The Soul of a Woman” by Joyce Meyer and “The Bondage Breaker” by Neil T Anderson.
Anyway, I hope this episode was useful to you, if you are in this situation at the moment I am so sorry and I hope and pray that things will turn around for the better. This is actually the season two finale, so I won’t be seeing you next week, I will be seeing you in a few weeks on the 30th of March, all fresh and new for the brand new season. See you then, bye!
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