Snowpocalypse 2011

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Literal Interpretation of Figurative Snow Hyperbole!

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Chicago Never Had A Chance

The ruins of Lakeshore Drive. Pray for their families.

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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The German Army has offered aid to the most devastated parts of the US, with quick response teams being air dropped into metro Detroit first.

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Buffalo officials have declared a state of disaster after thousands of cars and their drivers were lost in the wake of this snowy disaster. Local police are working with state agencies to recover the expected thousands of frozen bodies.

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I just saw snow lightning, a stop sign with pole flying down the street, and a branch hit me in the head. In 5 minutes.

Chicago resident

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I ask that in this, Chicago's darkest hour, the brave citizens of this city stay indoors while the undertakers guild organizes to take in the dead. Stonemasons are preparing headstones as quickly as possible, but a lottery system will likely be implemented. Stay strong, so the children may tell tales of our bravery one day... if they survive.

Mayor Richard Daley

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Three hours into THE WORST BLIZZARD IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD and literally dozens of millimeters of snow has fallen. Nobody will escape.

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I have no idea where my car is, I've been wondering around the WalMart parking lot for hours and haven't seen it once. These whiteout conditions are horrible.

Hu Jintao

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Detroit Metro Resorts To Skis

Detroit Metropolitan Airport operations manager Chris Edwards has approved a plan to outfit all aircraft with skis. The massive Delta hub has called in all maintenance personnel for the unprecedented upfit and the hope is to have everything from Saab turbo props to Boeing 747s fitted with the snow-friendly landing gear by the end of the week. "If we don't fit our fleet with skis, we'll be dead in the water," says Delta spokesperson Mary-Ann Springer, "It gives us a distinct advantage over the competition, and the way we see it, lots of folks will pay a premium to see their families one last time."

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Illinois Goes Silent, Peoria Feared Lost

Reports are flooding in of widespread devastation across northern Illinois. According to unconfirmed reports phone lines and cell communication, internet, and and electricity are down across the majority of the state. The city of Chicago is maintaining vital services at the moment, but director of public services Michael Johnston tells OHSHITSNOW it's only a matter of time before services go down.

97 inches of snow has buried Peoria and it is feared as many as half of the 183,000 residents are feared dead. The National Guard has been activated and will respond as soon as mechanized response equipment is secured.

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The Horror... The Horror.

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CBS News is putting on a brave face, they know this "Monster" of a storm will be the death of us all. A high-ranking producer has told "OHSHITSHOW" they've decided to mute their coverage to prevent rioting and looting.

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"Millions, possibly billions may die in this historic blizzard. For the love of God people, get indoors and spend your remaining hours with loved ones"

President Barack Obama

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One hour into the horror and dusting has begun wreaking havoc upon the populace. We will document the catastrophe as long as our provisions hold out. God help us all.

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