I don't even think I have any followers on this tumblr, but I am in art school now working toward a career in the arts or graphic design - idk what exactly yet but I'm going to use tumblr as a platform for my portfolio and to post all of the things that I am working on, or accomplishing. This will be more of my personal stuff as I am Garbage Queen and I want to be running Garbage Quality Productions. But I'll probably come up with one or two other accounts for other stuff like through school or more professional stuff so I can keep stuff separate if it needs to be.
So I had this realization lately on why maybe I’m kind of judgemental and also why maybe I have a hard time making friends that aren’t my complete soul mates
My mom used to judge my friends and their families for being so close or open with eachother. Like I had this friend I used to catch rides to school with, and one day her mom who was driving us said “hey L, remember that guy you dated who kissed like a vacuum”? and they laughed and I laughed cause it was super funny to think about. Then I told my mom because it was funny and she was like “wow thats weird that her mom knows about that.
I grew up in a house hold that we all kinda just did our own things and were raised to be independent but as I grew up and over the years I learned it was because my mom was unhappy in her relationship with my dad. They are divorced now which is fine and we are all doing better but I still have a lot of judgement and self doubt from how I was raised and still find myself blaming how I grew up on what I deem my own short comings as an adult today.
I’m super responsible and independent and feel capable of living life, but I don’t feel confident about myself in friendships and relationships. I have a really hard time reaching out to meet people and asking for help with things I don’t know because I grew up with a family that was all about being good at what you know.
I have such a hard time feeling good enough when I’m around my coworkers. And I hate blaming it on how I grew up but I work with a bunch of really out-doorsy people and work in an outdoorsy industry and I loove it and want to learn more and be more like my coworkers who I also consider my friends, but i also find it really intimidating and it makes me question if I’m trying to be like people I’m around so I fit in, or if I really want to be like them
I was also raised by a mom who wanted her life to be fancy and nice and have nice things and I appreciate the finer things in life but it makes me feel like a brat compared to the salt of the earth people I work with and live around. I dont want to ignore the qualities in life I strive to have but I do want to be more down to earth and only live within my means.
I’m just having a hard time figuring out why I am unhappy and if its just me being too hard on myself.
I have a hard time accepting invitations, especially last minute or short notice ones because I already have my days planned out to make sure I get stuff done so my life doesnt feel so chaotic. I wrote down today that My brain feels so chaotic all the time that I have my life planned out and have ahard time straying from the plan I’ve laid out but also not being spontaneous is distancing me from my coworkers
I dont feel as fit, or as well versed in the place we live and I know i’m new and its only been a year and I’m so much more knowledgeable than I was last year but its so hard to not feel worthless when it comes to my job and my friends and what I do in my free time.
I’m at a constant struggle with who I want to be and who I am and what one is the right one for me to be. I know it will come with time and experience but its hard to not get defensive and feel bad about myself right now.
My boyfriend and I are watching “IT - Chapter 2″ right now and we just finished the scene where the friends meet at the Chinese restaurant for the first time since their traumas happened and it just reminded me of how it feels to reunite or get together with friends from the past, or friends you haven’t physically been together with in a long time.
I love the feeling when you get together with friends from the past and its all awkward at first but then there’s a break through in the awkward and re-introduction of it and you remember inside jokes or how you used to interact and it turns into this crazy mix of nostalgia and reconnection and rekindling of a friendship love you once shared.
Covid has me really missing friends. Especially because all the people I am closest with are scattered all across the country and we just moved to this new place last year right before Covid.
I have amazing co-workers who have become fast friends and great people to share my time with but there is something really special about reconnecting with people you knew in a different phase of your life, and sharing your new experiences and outlooks with.
There is something beautiful about friendships that didn’t die, but were put on hold for unintended reasons. And when you find them again, even if its just for a night or an hour, there is always a love there that shines through in the end
I've been getting really down on myself for not being as adventurous or cool as I would like to be. My coworkers are also so outdoorsy and cool and established in this community but I'm still new and I have a hard time not comparing myself to them.
I just has a thought though.
What they do for fun is, in a way, seeking discomfort. Backpacking, braving the cold, testing their limits by living super in primitive conditions. (I have 2 coworkers who are looking to live in a yurt)
But I realized that none of that sounds fun or doable for me and I feel lame for knowing i need a warm house, a toilet, running water, ect. I do not like testing my strength or being uncomfortable. Why don't I like it though? Like camping is fun and it's fun to test your ability to survive out in the wild. Hiking is fun because you test your body and strength.
I think because I struggle with mental blocks like depression and ADHD, I'm constantly uncomfortable. I'm constantly feeling awkward, not good enough, and weak. So why would I seek out other things that would make me feel that way physically too.
I want to do those things though, so maybe if I finally get help with my mental stuff I'll be ready to choose discomfort for the fun of it.
As is tradition, I have been in a depressive state since new years and I've stumbled my way back onto tumblr.
I think I'm gonna stick around for a while this time and write more in general.
I think after everything I've been through in the last few years, I am ready to start considering taking medication for my depression and ADHD. I have been so distracted from my mental health with everything that's been going on. Now things are good and I'm still feeling this way and without shitty things going on, its made me realize that maybe I still do struggle with this.
The depression isnt situational, it's a condition I struggle with. I still have ADHD but being so distracted with my family and being a young adult it was easy to blame my mental health conditions on my situation and not just accept it for what it really is.
I hope in the next few weeks I get some real help and get on track to feeling good again. My life is finally good. I love my job. I love my partner. I love my friends and where I live but I have so much static in my head that stops me from truly enjoying all of it.
I dont have ACNH yet but I can't believe the amount of people posting videos of them catching tarantulas. Are they more common in the game now? I remember those things always being so hard to catch and find.
I love when I make an allergy friendly dessert that I haven't had since discovering my food allergies and it tastes just as good as I remember the original tasting.
I just made rice crispy treats with coconut oil instead of butter and THEY ARE SO GOOD. I literally don't even remember the last time I had rice crispy treats in general. These just satisfied something in me that I didn't even know I had.
3. What is your favorite flavor/brand of bubble gum? Dentine Ice Arctic Chill
4. Favorite cheese? None cause they all make me sick but on the rare occasion my BF and I make pizza I use Daiya Mozzarella Shreds
5. Favorite Lunch Meat? Boars Head Chipotle Chicken
6. Favorite ice cream flavor? Haagendaz Chocolate Peanut Butter or any brand Strawberry
7. Best looking food? Honestly... Lobster always looks so good but its such a waste of time and money.
8. Best food to put cheese on? IDK but I miss Grilled Cheeses, so bread?
9. Best sexual food? Whole Peaches
10. Best tasting drink in the summer? Rose or Fresh Lemonade
11. Best tasting drink in winter? A dark Cabernet or Spicy Red Blend
12. Best food for a night out with friends? Tacos/Mexican food
13. Best foods to eat with a roll? Thanksgiving Leftovers
14. Messiest food, in your opinion? Chicken Wings or Ribs (not complaining)
15. Easist food to prepare? Pasta Primavera
16. Cheapest food you ever ate? Spam Musubi in college at UH HIlo
17. Most expensive food you ever ate? A decent steak at Daniels Broiler in Washington because they charge a ton of money for everything and its not even that good
18. Stinkiest food you ever ate? My friend made me try some Durian one time and i couldn’t even swallow it but probably that
19. Favorite dipping sauce? Chipotle Salsa from Lucy’s Taqueria
20. Best pizza topping? Broccoli (trust me)
21. Favorite potato chip flavor? Barbeque or All Dressed
22. Most toxic substance you ever ate? Swallowed bong water one time by accident?
23. Most calories you ate in one meal? Anytime my family ordered chinese from the restaurant in our town. Still the best chinese i’ve ever had to this day. So authentic and amazing. So many carbs. I miss the PNW. Either that or there was this sandwich place in that same town that sold a sandwich called “The Pig” which was essentially half of a loaf of french bread (about 8x4x2 dimensions) and it basically had a pound of bacon on it with tomatos and lettuce. Essentailly a HUGE BLT and it was amazing and one time I was so hungry and stoned I ate the whole thing by myself.
24. Favorite soda? Cherry Coke or Coconut LaCroix
25. Favorite flavor of juice? Hawaiian Sun Lychee Green Tea
26. Favorite Vegetable? Onions or Brussel Sprouds
27. Favorite fruit? Peaches or Black Cherries
28. Worst canned food? Green Beans
29. Best side dish? Potatoes of any kind EXCEPT BAKED
30. Worst fast food restuarant? McDonalds (there is a dairy allergen in the FRIES WTF)
31. Best restaurant? The Cafe by the house I grew up in and lived above at one point. BEST breakfast lunch and dinner foods and amazing cocktails. Open early open late and quality food and people. The last meal I had there before I moved away from home some strangers bought me and my friend’s dinner. Talk about a great send off.
32. Best smelling food? My grandma’s red sauce and Italian sausage simmering in a pan. She literally makes sure this is cooking when I am coming to visit so its the first thing I smell when I walk in the door.
Since nobody follows me I’m gonna do a bunch of surveys cause I’m bored
1. Favorite video game? Ocarina of Time (defined my life)
2. Favorite video game series? Nancy Drew CPU Games
3. Favorite video game hero? Link
4. Favorite video game villain? GLaDOS
5. Favorite video game soundtrack? Stardew Valley (so many bangers)
6. Favorite video game boss? BongoBongo
7. Least favorite video game boss? Mirak (TES V)
8. Favorite video game to play alone? Nancy Drew or Animal Crossing
9. Favorite video game to play with friends? Mario Party (shoot me)
10. Favorite upcoming video game? TES VI (dont make me regret this bethesda)
11. Any games you are currently crazy for? I’ve been playing Stardew Valley every day during this self isolation because I don’t want to buy another Nancy Drew game
I have had this “welcome to my world” feeling a lot lately and I don’t want to sound pretentious or anything but everyone's obsession with cleaning and hand sanitization and thinking of all the surfaces germs live on in recent times makes me laugh... in a horrible way.
but this is only because i think of this kind of stuff daily. Airplanes, public areas, even in my own home. I have this minor OCD that causes me to incessantly clean my hands, my body, and my personal belongings. I disinfect my phone every day when I come home from work, I have hand sanitizer in my car, purse, and in the kitchen and I wash my hands so much. I use my foot to open most doors without handles. I scroll through my phone with my pinky while I’m eating so I don’t touch my phone with the fingers i use to eat my apple slices. I eat my sandwich out of the tinfoil i wrapped it in so I never touch the bread. I have to wash and put away ALL of the dishes before I ever put anything that touched raw meat in the sink. I wash all my fruit with soap before I eat it. I have always hated gas pumps and public restaurants. The thought if drinking out of a glass that someone else I don’t know has used gives me shivers, but that’s an example of a thing I have learned to overcome and ignore the thought of.
But like I said, I just can’t help but feel that feeling of “welcome to my world, and the world of many other people who struggle with germaphobia, agoraphobia and OCD” I feel slightly more equipped for this isolation and germ awareness than most and have spoken to my friends and families regarding this if they need advice on ways to help protect themselves and others.
At the same time though my anxiety and germaphobia are on HYPERDRIVE. I am so incredibly aware of any slight sniffle or itch in my throat and i am terrified of this virus that I constantly put hand sanitizer on at home even if I haven’t left my own home in days.
What a fucking world we live in. Sometimes I over think my OCD. Sometimes I call it a blessing. Sometimes it feels like a curse. But I’m okay with it and recognize the strengths and weaknesses it grants me.
I took a buzzfeed quiz to figure out what movie series I should binge and the answer was twilight and I was lowkey excited. I never read the books but always went to the movie premeirs with it friends and I really enjoyed the movies. I just cant find them for free to watch anywhere
Well its the beginning of week 3 and I feel like I am starting to go a tiny bit crazy. I'm starting to lose track of what day it is. My alarms are still set to my usual time as to not lose the sleep schedule I finally got back after moving in the fall and not working from October to the middle of January. I hit snooze today thinking it was the weekend and I slept in.
I finally got the link to apply for benefits but my balance says 0 and I'm starting to get a tad anxious. But I mostly just miss going to work. They were my first and only friends I've made here so far. This job is the first job I ever had that I feel appreciated and encouraged at. Not to mention they really care about us and make sure we take care of ourselves. I wish I had bought a bike before this lockdown.
