I came out to my parents.
12 days from now, I will officially start my T journey.
There was no running away from it. It had to be done.
Told him they needed to know something really important and difficult to share.
Said, for the first time, that I loved them dearly.
He said that, whatever it was, they wouldn’t leave me. No matter what.
So, I sent them an email each. I couldn’t bring myself to say the words out loud so I wrote them a letter so they could read all about the struggle and issues I have been facing for years.
Told them to only call me tomorrow. If they wanted.
He asked if they at least could send me a message.
Ended up getting a message from both. They didn’t say much, only a sentence each, but both still said they loved me very much and would always will. They had never said this before. We have always been very awkward people. Never had the guts to say these sort of things, even though we do in fact feel them.
He was definitely still shaken, he even cried (first time I witnessed that).
He didn’t believe me when I told them that I’ve known this for years. He thought this was something I had recently found out and thought to be the blame for all my mental issues.
I’ve known and hidden this for more than 12 years.
Still, he was not convinced.
He blamed the professionals who had diagnosed me with “gender dysphoria” and who had “convinced me” I had it.
He wasn’t aggressive by the way, he was just attempting to make sense of it all.
He then shared he was worried about my future. He didn’t believe someone would want me for a romantic partner. He also kept saying I would never look male, that I would always look something “in between”. That’s definitely not true. And there are loads of examples (with pics) of other FTMs to prove my certainty.
He also said no one would hire me in the future.
Not because of transphobia but because I’m only 5ft.
I’m an actor and never had any issues finding work when I looked like a girl.
He thinks being 5ft and female doesn’t affect me being hired.
But being 5ft and male… does.
Couldn’t care less though (that is… if what he said is in fact true).
I’m also a director, started being one in 2016, and always had great reviews from others and, in 2019, one of my plays actually found its way to number six in the list of the top 30 shows of the year. That’s quite an achievement for a very young director (my show was listed higher than others from well-known people). Oh yes, and, of course, no one can stop me from continuing to create my own work. Also, people in my work field LOVE the trans thing, it’s considered to be “cool”. Kinda annoying that but it will, very likely, come in handy in the near and distant future.
But yes, I love working as an actor for others but I’m ok with only being one in my plays.
I know that, no matter how I look, I will always be the trans actor/director.
Well, at least, I’ll still be alive.
So, even if I didn’t transition, no one would hire me because I would be dead.
I’ve just finished talking to my mom.
She refused to speak about the subject.
She wanted to talk only in person.
So we ended up discussing other things, like films and tv shows.
Didn’t speak about it with her.
Have to wait until Sunday.
I’m going back home just to see them.
It’s going to be tough and bloody as hell awkward.
I’d also never witnessed her crying.
I think they’ll come around but it’s gonna take some time.
They were both calling me by my birth name by the way.
I didn’t say anything about it.
They’re still very shaken.
Didn’t want to make it worse.
It appears that forcing myself to act “female” all these years didn’t help.
I used to deny the possibility of transitioning to male.
I used to prefer death over being trans.
A successful suicide attempt was soon to come before I finally accepted the truth and came out.
My turning point was when I hit (another) extreme depression phase and ended up saying the words “I’m not a girl" to myself and out loud, while having a panic attack.
Never thought I’d still be here right now.
And definitely not as the boy I am.
Oh and… that’s me yesterday.
Don’t care about the fact that I actually look female-like in this pic. Wanted to share it anyway.
This was taken right after I cried my balls out (yeah… my inexistent ones) as I waited for them to finish reading my letter. It’s not an attractive picture.
And yes, today… no neon blue or yellow
