Olive's Diary

rambling

[olivesdiary]

Lost

Provided to YouTube by Universal Music GroupLost · Frank Oceanchannel ORANGE℗ 2012 The Island Def Jam Music GroupReleased on: 2012-01-01Producer, Studio Per...

Mood

[olivesdiary]

27. Travel to lose and find yourself

It’s been a while since I’ve posted/no one asked but I’m alive! Currently living out the plans I made for 2022. I’m officially in France. I’m staying with my aunt’s about an hour from Paris. This is my third weekend here, and unfortunately, I’m sick. I’m getting over a cold/fever.

Lot’s of things have been on my mind, but the thoughts haven’t lead to anywhere just yet. 

I once read a quote that pointed out traveling is a way to find yourself and to lose yourself...I feel a little lost, but not in a depressing way. I’m blanking on what to call this feeling, but I remember my friend telling me the Norwegians have a word for this - wondering around aimlessly. I can’t say I’m actively exploring with a purpose, and I can’t say that I have absolutely no idea where I am in life. However, I do feel, is that I’m missing a purpose. I think my north star is still the end goal, but the drive to pursue isn’t as strong.  For example, I say I’m ready for a relationship but I also haven’t learned to enjoy dating. I’ve been annoyed at guys who make moves on me and have no interest in meeting up with them. I booked all my flights and made my plans to meet up with friends - from Paris, to Lyon, to Budapest, and Bergen. But other than that...no itinerary. I’m telling myself its just my way of living in the moment but it doesn’t always feel as fun as building towards something.  

[olivesdiary]

26. Practicing not giving a f*ck

I booked a flight to France. I’ve been saying I’d go since 2020.

Some things have come up that made me reconsider. Luckily, I usually end up doing the things I plan even if my actions don’t actively build up towards it lol. Ty subconscious mind.

A cheap flight came up, right at the timing I thought about going. Felt like a sign so I bit the bullet. Technically, work policy doesn’t really encourage traveling, but I decided to not seek for approval. Life’s too short to live according to others and not pursue the things that are most honest to me. Though I’m not trying to sneak around, being a digital nomad is something I’ve always wanted to try. Taking an international trip feels like a step in the right direction. Also, since my last post, I’ve entered and exited out of a bearish butterfly - 10% profit in about 5 days. We’re learning! I’m also starting to feel optimistic that my bullish trades will do well. SPX closed at about 4538 today.

[olivesdiary]

25. Writing just to write

Lately I’ve been feeling very neutral…which is odd for me. Normally, I have hints of motivation or inspiration in me. I’m not sure why I’m so flat right now but I am trying to not see is as an issue.

I watched an interview of Mark Manson and he said failure is in our head. The idea of what “success” and “failure” is is defined by us (or we adopt other’s ideas). We can completely redefine those concepts at any moment. Just because you didn’t meet the requirements you set for yourself doesn’t mean you failed. You could look at it as, the boxes you did check = success…and the boxes you have not checked yet is still on the list of things to do.

I’m not doing a good job explaining 😅 but I think the idea is, we put unnecessary pressure on ourselves to be a certain way to fulfill a certain image. But why?

Idk why I see feeling neutral as unmotivated…just because there’s a lack of motivation doesn’t mean that I’m living without intention, does it? I’m still getting up everyday and am doing the damn thing…I just don’t feel as passionate.

But motivation comes and goes…I know I can’t rely on it to get me to my end point. What I can do, is be persistent. Still move towards the goal even when I’m tired or don’t feel like it.

[olivesdiary]

24. Baby buys

The crypto world is down so I went in for the first time. I’m late to the game, I know. But a Sam Bankman-Fried interview inspired me to go for it anyway. He’s the world youngest 20 something year old billionaire. He got into crypto in 2017, after it caught popularity, and was still able to find fortune. Though I won’t be using the same strategies as him, I figure if I were gonna go in, now’s the best time to.

We invested $25 worth 😆.

[olivesdiary]

23. Healing

I think I’ve processed the pain, the doubts, the questions. At least I feel I have because I don’t feel heartache, confusion, or heavy thoughts. I hate feeling hurt by things happening around me…not because it hurts, but because it’s self-centric and self-inflicted. Like no one is “doing this to me.” I’m doing it to myself.

Not trying to gaslight myself, but so many of my of the adversity I’ve gone through feels questionable. Is it hard because of my POV? These days I try to honor my feelings. But sometimes, I’m afraid that allowing myself to feel heartaches will drag it out…at some point I have to control how I respond. 

I once heard on a podcast that the feeling of failure/not being enough is an idea that we choose to adopt. We define the criteria of failure.

In my case, I was hurt because I thought about the aspect of the story that made me the victim. I focused on my own feelings and chose to not give weight to other factors that could waiver myself stance. I knew this wasn’t happening to me. I knew that everyone is minding their own business and is not making life choices with the intention of hurting me. So if I got hurt because someone is just trying to live their best life, I need to not only remember that it’s not personal…I need to acknowledge that there’s more to the story than my POV. I can honor my feelings without digging for more evidence to prove that my negative POV is valid.

[olivesdiary]

22. Hope…do or danger?

It seems I can be over a relationship but still hang onto hope that there’s a possibility we’d get back together if things changed in a way that realigns us…

Though there’s good intention behind it, I think this is a somewhat toxic trait. Even if I move on, what if that hope has me reserving a piece of myself for the person I used to be with? What if I’m waiting for someone who’s not choosing me and seeing me in the way I need to be seen? If we we’re meant to be, if we were soulmates, we’d choose each other. If we’re not choosing each other…if he’s not choosing me now…then any piece of me that’s reserved for him will be neglected, disappointed, hurt, and hindering me from being fully present. That piece of me would be waiting around for someone who’s not choosing me.

It’s not worth it.

[olivesdiary]

21. Wanting more

I love the feeling of being inspired, unstoppable, invincible, in flow. Getting that spark of motivation that keeps me going for months, never skipping a beat. The confidence of knowing myself and trusting that everything I’m doing is right and all that’s coming for me will be aligned with my highest self.

I love when I have the self-love that allows me to live life feeling absolutely free and unapologetically myself. I love when I know that I’m enough as I am. And that no matter how often I get knocked down, I’ll still achieve what I set out to do.

I love when being me (the good, the bad and the ugly) gives people permission to be themselves. I appreciate the times when I have the sense of humor to laugh though hard times, make fun of myself, all while still hustling and taking the important things seriously. I love the balance, the energy, and the feeling that feels so right.

This feeling gives me life and I spend my life chasing this feeling.

[olivesdiary]

20. Half baked ideas

If there’s something I enjoy doing and can generally do well, it’s to convince people to quit jobs they don’t enjoy, chase their dreams, and negotiate for more.

Maybe I should do something with this skillset. Something I’d like to do is put it towards helping refugees and immigrants setup their career when they start over in a new country. I’m also passionate about closing the pay (and investment) gap between genders.

Im not sure how I am at negotiating but it’s also something I’d like to get more exposure to. We love it.

[olivesdiary]

19. Shortcomings

It’s not my fault that he wasn’t in a place to recognize me for who I am and what I can offer. It’s not my fault that he missed the opportunity to grow our relationship because he wasn’t able to see passed what is to realize what could be.

It’s been a while since I felt this kind of heartache. Wish it would just pass already. I’m having a hard justifying that it’s okay for me to feel this way. How can I allow one person or one thing break me down?

It’s unsettling how one experience can make someone so insecure that they can’t see past it…even though there are so many positive experiences that could offset or invalidate their insecurity.

Sometimes, I don’t understand myself. I don’t enjoy feeling this way…it’s not serving me. So why can’t I drop it?

It’s the feeling of not being enough…wondering why someone else effortlessly got the opportunity I wanted, when I was the one that put in the work, sweat and tears. I invested time into building something that someone else gets to benefit from.

I know my feelings are strong right now…that they’re biased…that there’s two sides to the stories. I know this feeling will pass and I won’t identify with this state of mind anymore. But right now, this is my truth…it feels like he learned to do better at my expense, and now she’s benefitting from the work I put in. You could say he groomed me to be better for the next guy that comes along too. But that doesn’t make me feel better. It all feels unfair. I know it wasn’t intentional but I feel betrayed. I’m not jealous, I just don’t understand.

My therapist says it’s human nature to focus on the bad. It’s a survival mechanism. If we’re able to see our shortcomings and the negative impact it has on us, then we can focus on improving them to avoid bad experiences in the future.

But it’s a disservice for me to focus on the one bad experience. I can’t allow it to define how I feel about myself.

One day, someone will see the value that I bring. He won’t be afraid to show me off to the world and to his family. After all, no one’s ever been afraid to introduce me to their family except for him.

[olivesdiary]

18. Not enough

Every time I felt neglected, silenced, or hurt by him, I wondered if I was doing the same to him. I always knew he meant well, even if his words struck me the wrong way. I always knew he had good intentions, even when his actions made me sad. I think he knew the same of me and gave me the same grace I gave him. But at what point does being understanding towards one another become making excuses for each other? Sometimes, being understanding is not enough to fix the wounds. If so much of what was said or done is based on interpretation, when will we know if we’ve gone too far, took too many liberties, and distorted reality?

I wish it wasn’t so hard.

We are so different you would think we spoke different languages. It was so hard to get through to one another. It seemed like we were short fused, but in reality, we both had so much patience for each other…we just quickly used it up. At one point does this become abusive?

It was always clear that we loved and cared for each other. But they were right, love isn’t enough.

[olivesdiary]

17. Managing greed

2 weeks ago, I had a losing trade. The market crashed and I moved out my contract because I didn’t want to risk assignment. In my case, moving out those trades when volatility was high helped me gain more premium (in exchange for more risk). The original trade itself was only worth $2.70, but after rolling a couple times, I now collected $18.60. 

This morning, the contract was due to expire. I could have closed out my contract at $1.15, capturing $17.45 of premium ($18.60 total premium - $1.15 cost of closing). I had another trade that was worth $16.10 that I could have closed for $1.75, capturing $14.35 premium...But I waited. The market was going up and I knew if it kept trending, I could get out at a lower cost.  What a mistake. After trending upward, the market started to decline. I had 3 options

Roll out the contracts again to capture more premium. This would be a bad idea if the market kept trending downwards. 

Hold onto contract, hoping the market will go up. I would be in trouble if the market kept dropping.

Close contract out at the current market price...I can afford this and still get out with some premium. Just not as much premium as this morning.

So....I got out, closing the contracts at $6.80 and $9.80, I received a profit of $11.80 and $6.30 for the contracts. In total I made $18.10 instead of $31.80.

At the end of the day, I made much more premium than I thought I would, when I originally got into these trades at $2.70 so I should be happy I made the profit I did. I am...but I have a little bit of remorse having left money on the table. 

When you have to adjust your trade, you really aren’t trying to capture the additional premium, you’re just trying to buy yourself more time so you can get out break even. 

Takeaway: Manage my emotions and greed. In order to avoid getting wiped out, take small or no gains over additional risk. 

[olivesdiary]

16. Wondering about the why’s

Trying not to let it get to me

I know we didn’t work out for good reasons. I don’t want to get back together and I love what we have now. Though I’m sure of this, the feelings that I’m feeling right now…I don’t like.

There’s a tension in my chest, my eyes keep welling with tears. I take deep, slow breaths in attempts to breathe out the feelings that’s weighing me down. The feeling of doubt and not being good enough. I don’t want to cry over something that I know will past. I’m not tryna throw myself a pity party. But I’m afraid if I don’t let it out, the waterworks will show when I see him next.

I wasn’t right for him and he wasn’t right for me. His moving on is a win for the both of us. I keep reminding myself that him moving on is not personal. He’s focusing on him and doing better. That was the purpose of us letting each other go…so we can find greater happiness beyond us. He understood the assignment. I’m still working on mine, I guess.

I wonder why it’s so easy for him to call her his girlfriend and introduce her to his mom. I wonder why he couldn’t do it with me. We’ve talked about it so many times. He convinced me then. But I’m not so sure now. He said it was because he had reservations about his family, not about me. He didn’t want to claim me as his girlfriend because he wanted us to feel 100% first…we were rocky. I believe the latter statement, but I think it’s because we were rocky that he didn’t want to introduce me to his mom.

They must be solid.

I don’t compare myself to her because I know we’re both great in different ways. I’m trying not to compare what they have to what we had since I know comparison is the thief of happiness.

Like I said, I know he and I weren’t meant to be. I just wonder why I keep grieving over something I knew wasn’t right for me.

I never want to leave someone behind broken. But sometimes, in the process of healing others, I become broken.

[olivesdiary]

15. ~feelings~

My dad used to say, a good friend has your best interest in mind and wishes you well regardless of the status of your friendship. They will always be there for you and advise you to do what they believe is best for you, even if they don’t gain or would lose from it. If you had a fall out with this person, you can trust that they will come through for you when you need them, speak kindly about you, and never think to sabotage you.

I hold this value near and dear to my heart. It helps me navigate through tough times. I seek this in others just as much as I try to deliver it. When it comes to relationships, after a break up, I always propose friendship because I believe being able to stay in each other’s lives, wish each other well, and serve one another through friendship is an act of true, unconditional love. Love can transform from romantic to friendly or vise versa. No matter what form it takes, it’s still love and its still pure.

I’ve never had a hard time being happy for my exes. I genuinely see their wins as my wins. Recently, I’ve been reminded that I can be happy and celebrate someone’s win, and still feel heartache or left behind. Though the two feelings are on opposite sides of the spectrum, they don’t conflict with one another. They just run parallel with each other. I feel clear in the joy that I have seeing him thrive and finding happiness with someone else. After meeting his new person, seeing her smile when she talks about him made me smile for her. It felt great to see things work out.

I also felt things I wasn’t ready for. With every milestone we make in our friendship, I find myself letting go of a piece of our romantic relationship that I didn’t even know I was holding onto. As mentioned in a previous post, I feel I’ve said goodbye to him in so many ways, and each time I do it, residual heartaches come to surface. I don’t know how long this is supposed to go for but it surprises me every time. 

I’m doing my best to try to understand and be patient with myself.

[olivesdiary]

14. Doing better than I thought I was

My therapist told me he thinks I’m over my ex lol. I’m relieved because I wasn’t so sure, myself 😂.

I p much live my best life but there are moments where he pops up in my mind…sometimes after a break up, or when I’m not satisfied in the relationship that I’m in. The thought of us being together is comforting even though I know I romanticize the past. It’s interesting that we can believe our own lies, trick ourselves, or remember things differently than how we experienced it.

Sometimes, I intentionally change my story to try to get over something or avoid being a victim. I’ve also reframed things in efforts to maintain a positive mindset. Like in the past, if I ever felt jealous, I try remind myself that I’m actually inspired by the person I’m feeling this way towards. I want what they have and seeing someone else flaunt it is a friendly reminder that I can achieve this too.

All that to say, it can be a good thing that we know how to trick ourselves or remember things differently than how we experienced…but it’s when it’s unintentional that shit gets weird.

People unintentionally lie to themselves all the time - Not admitting their feelings for someone, their sexuality, etc. I guess it really comes down to knowing and accepting yourself as you really are. Knowing your mind and how it works and understanding why you do what you do. I don’t want to be a victim of my mind and it’s programming.

Self-acceptance, honoring my feelings, and noticing if I’m lying or hiding something from myself. Those things are going to be the first steps I take to learn more about who I am.

[olivesdiary]

13. The downside to my upside

I closed out of my bearish butterfly with 20% profit! Yay. I barely held it for 24 hours. P exciting. The timing was luck, as well. The market dropped low in the AM, allowing me to exit my trade. By 10:30am, it sky rocketed. If I didn’t commit to getting out at 20% profit, I would have been stuck holding a losing position/needing to manage it.

The downside to all of this is that the market was low because Russia attacked Ukraine. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to see videos and photos people fleeing their country and running for shelter. This morning, one of my coworkers mentioned that her mother-in-law, who lives near the capital of Ukraine, woke up to bombs setting off :(. She said her goodbyes to her sister, in case they don’t see each other after this. The rest of her night and morning was spent helping elderlies, that she takes care of, move into a bomb shelter :(. My heart goes out to everyone who’s been affected by the invasion. 

To lift up the mood, my coworker said that she’s thankful her mom chose to move their family to a boring, quiet town. Sometimes, I forget what a privilege and blessing it is to be bored.  SPX’s low today was 4114. It closed at 4288

[olivesdiary]

12. The house always wins

The market is down today. You know what that means - bearish butterfly :). I tried to go in yesterday but my trade didn’t execute (not enough demand for the qty I ordered). V unfortunate. My friend executed his trade yesterday and made 20% profit today. Pretty good for a one day hold! Anyway, I went in on a weekly contract (surprisingly) 60 days out. Wish me luck!

This strategy makes market crashes seem fun. Which is much needed being that my other strategy are spooking me out. I’ve already adjusted a couple trades. However, all of this is teaching me that I need to be less reactive by developing rules on how to manage trades when times are bad . 

Ideas for defending or hedging against bullish trades that aren’t performing well:

Adjust the trade by moving it out to the next contract for a credit

Adjust down if (Cost to close) + (net credit) - (New premium) = Positive Credit

Buy out of the money PUT for cheap

Bearish Butterflies

Strangles

Closing early

Selling calls on stocks I own at 75% + OTM 

Roll calls if the stock spikes up again

Allow stocks to be sold even if its less than the strike price I got it for if this means I can trade successfully with the value left over

I have a hard time accepting losses, but I need to remember to treat my portfolio like a casino house. Casino’s don’t need to win 100% of the time. In fact, they only win about 52% of the time. but that 2% is enough to make them millions. Losses are okay if I can make up for it in wins.

SPX closed at about 4225.