I love this holiday :). If you know me, it might seem off brand. I’m not organically a romantic and there’s only been a couple Valentine’s day where I actually had a significant other, but idk, 2/14 is always a good day!
My last situationship ended in June. We’re still great friends and can talk about anything, including our love lives with other people (currently, I don’t have a love life lol but you know what I mean). We weren’t this compatible during our relationship but something about being friends has made him less defensive and me less sensitive. With those things out of the way, real talk gets v real. I know it’s unconventional to be friends with your ex (and I mean real friends...not the kind you hook up with), but if people knew how much it can heal and grow them, I think they’d reconsider. Unless your ex is trash...in that case #swervehard.
Anyway, why I’m really here...He’s moved on to someone new. He told me the other day that his feelings are really growing for her. He looked happy and it genuinely warmed my heart. At the same time, I felt a little bit of sadness. I’m officially not his girl anymore. Post break up, we still had a very loving relationship. He told me he wanted me to consider that there could be an ‘us’ in the future. Each of us, at different times, expressed that we still had romantic feelings for each other and wanted to pursue it. Any time it was coming from him, I’d tell him I couldn’t, and he’d respect it...but I would always tell him that I knew how he felt because I felt it too. When it was me, he told me that he wanted to explore life freely without a partner. I understood.
At the end of the day, we weren’t right for each other. In spite of knowing so, I think I’m slightly sad that the little bit of hope for a ‘future us’ is finally gone. I think we both needed this to happen...I should thank her - for showing him that he can release me so I can release him.
Today, he texted me Happy Valentine’s Day. It made me smile. He also posted a v cute story of her on IG. She’s beautiful. Happy for him, happy for future me, kinda sad for me in that moment.
It’s funny that I can be sad about losing a future I didn’t 100% want for myself. Also funny that I can say goodbye to him so many times but still feel residual heartaches each time - no matter how much progress I’ve made in moving on. It’s like the we keep trying to close this chapter but the story continues even though there’s nothing to tell. I’m not saying that this part of our story is not worth experiencing or beautiful. I’m just saying, who’s watching the OC after Marissa dies…except for the people who needed physical evidence to prove that their theory about the show going downhill was, indeed, correct. If you’re a ride or die, you’d watch it till the end and still find joy in it…that was me. I still loved the idea of ‘us’ even though I couldn’t see it out. I guess its human to experience conflicting feelings. How often do we love things that aren’t good for us or shy away from things that are good for us? How many ways can you really love someone?
