i'm about 35% into the rise and fall of darth vader by ryder windham and i'm not completely sure how to feel about it.
some parts read as their respective sections on the movies/novelisations they belong to and others read so so dry.
this is a legends book so some things are not part of the disney canon, and some of the adventures young padawan anakin went thru sound interesting but were only briefly mentioned (some were repurposed on disney canon, such as the podraces one), but i wish the author had taken a little longer with them.
at the point i'm in (going to chapter 7) we're already moving into attack of the clones and while i am interested, i feel like we could've spent more time with padawan anakin.
but i am interested in reading more from the rots part and the time between that and a new hope.
Bad news for me: torrential rain and wind at 4am so I cannot sleep
Good news for you: chapter 20 is now up
Thanks to @tomhaywards the light of my life and saviour of spelling continuity lmao
Link to Ao3 or read on below
[w/c: 2,700]
~~~
Tom pushed hesitantly through the throng of revelers gathered in the entryway, craning his neck as he went, uttering a continuous stream of ‘excuse me, pardon, forgive me, sorry,’ while he tried desperately not to tread on anyone’s toes. Michael Bublé was playing… somewhere… and Tom fought against the overstimulation that had already bombarded him as he scoured the Gardiners’ packed living room.
At last, his eyes landed on the familiar knotted bun of light brown hair that he knew so well. It was decorated this evening with a sprig of mistletoe, a sight that sent his pulse sizzling through his body. Mary turned, and Tom was momentarily distracted by the way the Christmas lights were reflected in her glasses, a hazy sheen of muddled vibrancy, before he noticed the dazzling smile she was directing at him.
“Tom! You’re here!” She exclaimed, grabbing his arm and pulling him into her small group. Tom cast his eye around the intimate circle warily, smiling nervously as several sets of eyes looked him up and down. One woman couldn’t seem to stop from grinning at him, not unlike the Cheshire cat, as she clutched her mulled wine close to her chest. Another, more spindly woman, had opted to stare at him disdainfully, before she scoffed and wandered off.
“You’ll have to excuse her,” Mary chuckled, “That’s Caro, she hates everything and everyone that isn’t two degrees of separation from the Royals,” Mary added with an eye roll.
The woman who was still beaming at Tom, rather unnervingly, elbowed Mary’s ribs.
“Ow! Lizzy,” Mary hissed, “What was that for?”
“Aren’t you going to introduce us?”
Mary’s chest tightened. Of course. She’d known this was going to be part of the evening’s affair when Lizzy had shown up at the Gardiners’ door mere hours earlier. They were in town for her husband to attend the annual partners’ Christmas do.
Mary had queried why Lizzy wasn’t attending alongside her husband, to which Lizzy had scoffed, “Eugh, Mary. They’re such dry affairs. All pissing contests, an exorbitant amount of alcohol, and ‘delivering shareholder value’ ramblings. I’d much rather spend my time here with you.”
Mary had tried to object, suggesting that Lizzy might have been happier spending time with the other partners’ spouses but she’d rolled her eyes, “Fitz is quite happy for me to skip it, he is only going out of sheer obligation. He knows Cathy will have his head on a platter if he misses another year.”
And so it had been decided. Lizzy would attend the Gardiners’ Christmas gathering, and inevitably meet Tom. And now it was happening. Kate and Ed had been absolutely no help at all, instead having the audacity to be excited at the prospect of seeing another niece.
Mary could feel Tom and Lizzy staring at her, while Mary’s thoughts rapidly escalated out of her control. She knew that Lizzy was closer with their mother than she was, and the chance of Mrs Jane Bennet finding out about Tom Hayward was not zero. And Mary had been so eager to keep him to herself for just a little while longer.
Fucking Fitz. It’s not that Mary didn’t like her brother-in-law. He took some getting used to but they had struck up something of an amiable almost-friendship after all these years. But his and Lizzy’s frustrating insistence on leading separate lives together, which Mary usually admired, was causing her the utmost difficulty.
Mary shot her sister a look, “If you say anything to our sisters, or to our mother, you will be dead to me.”
Lizzy nodded, her face fixed in an exaggerated stony expression as she mimed crossing her heart.
“Tom, this is my sister, Lizzy Darcy. Lizzy, this is my… Tom,” Mary finished, lamely.
“Hello, Mary’s Tom,” Lizzy replied with a grin, as Mary groaned at her previous phrasing.
The concept of being Mary’s Tom sent a pleasant shiver up his spine. They hadn’t discussed labels or anything of the sort, and he didn’t want to get ahead of himself, but he supposed he would be quite content remaining Mary’s Tom for as long as she’d permit him to be.
Tom realised he had been so distracted by Lizzy’s comment that he hadn’t actually replied. He blinked sharply, his glasses shifting on the bridge of his nose from the force behind it.
“Right, yes. Hello, I’m Tom.”
Mary stared at him incredulously, while Lizzy smirked behind her wine glass.
“Tom. Are you alright?” Mary queried, her voice low with concern.
“Sorry, er. Yeah, bit of a long day at the office,” Tom replied, not wholly untruthfully, but hoping it would cover his temporary lapse in intelligence.
“What do you do for work?” Lizzy asked, shooting him a kind smile.
“I’m a barrister, junior, in Ed’s firm,” Tom replied, fidgeting with the sleeve of his shirt.
“Oh! I see. You’re quite young for that, aren’t you?”
Tom flushed, “Well… I, I don’t know about that, I…”
“Tom’s being modest,” Mary interjected, “he works bloody hard and has achieved a lot to get to where he is.”
Tom gazed at Mary, dumbstruck.
“He was full scholarship to Kings College, Lizzy.”
Lizzy’s brow jumped, “Oh wow, Tom, that’s impressive.”
Tom’s cheeks grew redder, “I didn’t know you remembered that, Mare,” he muttered.
“Of course I remembered, how could I forget?”
Tom bumped his shoulder against Mary’s, smiling bashfully.
“Well you two are absolutely sickening,” Lizzy laughed, “I can see why Kate and Ed set the pair of you up. You’re a perfect match.”
Mary rolled her eyes affectionately, “Don’t tell Kate that, please. It’ll only go to her head and she’ll start scheming about our… our wedding! Or something of the sort,” Mary laughed, a light sound that died as she registered the glee on Lizzy’s face, and the sharp intake of breath from Tom, accompanied by a rather shocked expression.
“Oh no I didn’t mean… oh my god,” Mary mumbled, her hands flying to her mouth, “I have to go.”
Mary turned on her heel and dashed out of the room, pushing through the throng.
“I’ll go see if she’s okay,” Lizzy murmured, looking to set her glass down.
“Please, let me,” Tom replied, already shedding his coat which would only restrict his movement through the crowd.
“I can see why she likes you so much,” Lizzy smiled, “and you take care of her. Thank you.”
Tom nodded, “Of course. She’s incredibly important to me. We haven’t known each other long but I can’t imagine ever not knowing her, if that makes sense?”
Lizzy nodded, a gentle smirk creeping across her face, “Oh I know exactly what you mean. And tell her to call me if she needs me.”
Tom nodded once more, steeling himself with a deep breath, before setting out after Mary. He could only assume she’d headed upstairs to her room, after he reached the entryway and she was nowhere to be seen.
He took the stairs two at a time, his shoulders heaving with the efforts of his lungs by the time he reached her bedroom door. Tom’s knuckles barely kissed the door before he creaked it open slowly, “Mare?”
Again, there was no trace of her. Tom rolled his shoulders and pushed his glasses back to the bridge of his nose, before setting off back downstairs.
Tom’s footsteps thudding back down the stairs, even more quickly than he’d set off, drew Lizzy’s attention and she met him as he came bounding to a stop.
“No sign of her,” Tom puffed, his hands flying to his hips as he looked up towards the ceiling.
Lizzy scrunched her face up, and for a moment, Tom could spot the resemblance of his Mary.
“Wait, I’ve got an idea,” Tom breathed, and Lizzy watched helplessly as he vanished back into the crowd of people. The soft snick of the front door opening and a gentle thunk told her all she needed to know.
Tom had pulled the front door shut as quietly as he could, but it still frightened Mary who was sat shivering on the doorstep.
“Mare,” Tom breathed, his heart lurching, “what’s the matter? You rushed off so quickly. Did I do something? Did I say something? Please, forgive me,” Tom knew he was rambling like a madman but his brain was frantically taking in the scene in front of him, simultaneously recalling their earlier conversation before Mary had run off.
“No, you didn’t say anything,” Mary sniffled, fighting to keep her breathing steady, “I said the stupid thing, I just… I was trying to be funny and then I freaked everyone out.”
“What on earth do you mean, Mare?” Tom asked, fighting to keep the incredulity out of his voice.
“Please don’t make me say it again,” Mary sighed, balancing her glasses on her stocking-clad knee while she rubbed her eyes.
Tom perched next to her, picking her glasses up and cradling them in his palms.
“Mare, I don’t think I’ve seen you this upset since that day in town. Please, can I help?”
A hollow laugh escaped Mary’s lips, “You could not be scared away by me and my… whims, I suppose.”
Tom was wracking his brain now, coming up empty on what had caused Mary to be so upset.
“Is it because I was impressed you remembered something about me? I didn’t mean anything by it… I’m not used to people caring to remember such specific details of my life,” Tom admitted, bouncing his feet to keep them warm in the bitter cold.
“No. Oh god, I’m freaking out and you don’t remember?”
“That doesn’t mean it’s not important, Mare. If you’re upset, you’re upset. You’re allowed to be. Don’t have to justify it,” Tom replied with a self-satisfied nod, “feelings are there to be felt.”
Mary sighed, “I. Oh god. It sounds so dumb now. You just looked so… appalled, when I made that joke about Kate planning our wedding. I was terrified I’d scare you off.”
Tom’s blood ran cold, and he knew the December air wasn’t to blame.
“Oh god, Mary. I’m an idiot, I’m sorry.”
Mary side-eyed him, “Why are you the idiot?”
“I just didn’t even register that that was something unrealistic. I think I was shocked that you’d said it before me,” Tom confessed, “I’ve often wondered if she’s bored now that we’re seeing each other,” he added.
Mary giggled and Tom’s heart soared at the sound. Determined to hear it again, he continued, “I’m sure she’s got Marianne, Rebecca and poor George running drills, you know? We’ve been seeing each other six weeks, she’s probably already got florists on speed-dial…”
Tom grinned as Mary laughed properly, leaning into his side.
“It’ll take a lot to freak me out, Mare. I promise.”
Mary nodded, still slightly sniffly but content against Tom’s shoulder now.
“Is it bad that I really can’t face going back inside?” Mary muttered, pulling her phone out to check the time.
“Not at all, we can stay out here as long as you want, love,” Tom murmured, wrapping his arm around her. He paused, and Mary frowned as he withdrew his shoulder, before pulling his jumper over his head.
“Here, pop this on, you’re frozen,” Tom told her as he placed his green knitted jumper on Mary’s lap.
“But you’ll freeze,” Mary sighed, despite pulling the jumper over her own head. She smiled faintly at the warmth it still held, and the prominent perfume of Tom’s cologne.
“I’ll just have to huddle close, then,” Tom smiled as he scootched across the step until their sides were pressed against each other.
“It’s still fucking cold, isn’t it,” Mary scowled, her face scrunching the same way that Lizzy’s had earlier.
“What on earth are you two doing out here?” The familiar voice of Kate Gardiner carried down the street, as the echoes of hers and Ed’s steps bounced off the surrounding townhouses.
“We just… needed a break from inside,” Tom supplied, pulling Mary closer against him.
“It gets a bit overwhelming in there, doesn’t it,” Ed agreed, coming to a standstill next to his wife, “don’t feel like you have to hang about, Tom. You’ve had a big day.”
Tom nodded, “Well, I was thinking I’d see if Mare wanted to get a drink with me, somewhere quieter.”
Mary’s head lifted, and Tom paused, “But I understand if you want to stay and catch up with Lizzy,” he added.
Mary shook her head, “I feel rubbish, I’ll text her but I think I need a break from all the people,” she murmured, her hand reaching for Tom’s and lacing their fingers together.
Kate and Ed exchanged a sympathetic look, “Lizzy will understand sweetheart,” Kate reassured her, “She’s staying overnight, so you can always catch up in the morning.”
“I’ll fetch your coats, just give me a moment,” Ed stepped gingerly between the pair and slipped through the door. He reappeared moments later, clutching two thick coats, and breathing a large sigh of relief.
“It’s absolutely disgusting in there, I think I’ll come join you for that drink,” Ed quipped, passing Mary and Tom their respective jackets.
“That’s not funny, even as a joke, Edward,” Kate muttered, shooting him a look, “besides, you’re the one that organised this affair. The least you could do is go and swan around your adoring crowd.”
Ed rolled his eyes, “Off to swan,” he sighed, bidding farewell to the trio outside.
Kate reached forward to give Mary’s shoulder a sympathetic squeeze, “It gets a bit much sometimes, doesn’t it? Go, enjoy your evening. There’s no reason for you to both be here feeling stuck all night.”
Tom pulled himself up slowly, gingerly shaking the cold from his bones. He reached down to grasp Mary’s hand before bringing her up alongside him.
Kate nodded with a smile, “Good. Now, go and warm up! It’s freezing, and I’d never forgive myself if you got hypothermia.”
Tom chuckled and stepped aside to allow Kate access to the front door.
“Let’s go, love,” Tom murmured, wrapping his arm around Mary’s shoulders.
Mary nodded, “Do we have to get a drink? I really just want to cosy up with a film or a book, if that’s alright?”
Tom nodded, “Oh absolutely. I actually had no intention of dragging you anywhere but to my place where I know it’ll be quiet.”
Mary beamed, “You really know me quite well now, don’t you?”
Tom couldn’t stop the grin spreading across his face, “I like to think I’m getting there.”
Mary sighed contentedly, bumping her shoulder against Tom’s upper arm as they walked.
“I might just get us an uber to mine,” Tom mused, “I’m cold and I really just want to be rugged up under some blankets”
Mary hummed in agreement and they stepped to the side of the footpath while Tom requested their ride.
“Okay, all done,” he advised a few moments later, “Gary will pick us up in four minutes.”
“Thanks Gary,” Mary grinned, “Four minutes though. What are we going to do while we wait?” Mary leaned back against the wall, staring up at the night sky. The street lights were casting an orangey glow across the street, and the faint glow of Christmas lights twinkled through most windows. Most people were already home and inside from the cold, so it almost felt like her and Tom were the only people left on the planet.
“I can think of at least one thing,” Tom mused, walking over to join Mary against the wall.
“Oh?”
Tom nodded, cupping Mary’s jaw. Her eyes fluttered closed, “oh” she murmured, instinctively leaning into his touch.
Tom gently touched his lips to hers, smiling as she met his gentleness with her own firm pressure.
Tom peeked to make sure no one had crept up on them, before wrapping his arms around Mary’s waist to pull her closer, more difficult than usual given they were both wrapped in thick coats.
Mary laughed as she started to tip to one side, thrown off-balance by Tom’s embrace, and he joined her as they slowly careened towards the wall.
“Well, it was worth a shot,” Tom said sheepishly, pressing one last brief kiss against Mary’s flushed lips.
She nodded with a smile, “And I think that’s Gary now,” Mary pointed to where a silver Toyota had just pulled in.
The dark is generous, and it is patient, and it always wins—but in the heart of its strength lies weakness: one lone candle is enough to hold it back.
Love is more than a candle. Love can ignite the stars.
north & south by elizabeth gaskell (i'm about 23 chapters in, going to chapter 24, which is like 40% or something?) and i'm really liking it.
and i plan on starting either before i knew i loved you (before the coffee gets cold #6) by toshikazu kawaguchi or the rise and fall of darth vader by ryder windham too, while i read north and south too.
