Drunken Delusions @onedizzydame - Tumblr Blog

The Brotherhood

The men in the dark robes encircled the stone slab in the dank, dripping cavern. Their deep intoning chant reverberated against the jagged walls. Candles flickered, the only light in the all-consuming blackness.

Footsteps softly padded through a nearby tunnel, torchlight giving birth to new and ghastly shadows as more men in the same thick robes approached.

The men stopped their chanting. One at the far end of the stone slab raised his head ever so slightly, acknowledging their presence.

“Welcome, brothers”, he said with a hollow voice. “Is it done?”

He holding the torchlight spoke softly, “The rats were let loose in the West and did their job well, brother.”

Another of the newcomers rasped behind him, “And the poison was planted in the East. Many were afflicted. The effect was great.”

He near the stone slab nodded and grunted in approval. “After the success of the plague, these actions should bring about the fall of our adversary swiftly.

"Come”, he near the stone slab solemnly bid the newcomers, “Pray with us, brothers.”

The newcomers encircled the slab, folding themselves into the shadows with their dreadful brethren, and once again took up their deep, haunting chant to the darkness, roundly pronouncing each syllable in their unfathomable and terrible prayer….

“Welcooooooooooome toooooo Moooooooooooes…”

#chipotle #burritobrotherhood #malevolentmoes #thetruth

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

#new year #2017 #happynewyear

Body: “So wow, I’m pretty sore and tired, maybe if we go to bed now we’ll get a full night’s rest and feel refreshed in the morning….” Brain: “We must not give in! We must persevere! We cannot let the terrorists win!” Body: “Wait, what?” Brain: “We will fight them on the beaches!!!” Body: “Brain, no…” Brain: “NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER!!”

#sleep #nosleep #insomnia #brain is dumb

rubyredwisp

theloneliestgirlonearth

My dentist once told me that letting go is like pulling a tooth. When it was pulled out, you’re relieved, but how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was? Probably a hundred times a day. Just because it wasn't hurting you doesn’t mean you didn't notice it. It leaves a gap and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It’s going to take a while, but it takes time. Should you have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing you so much pain. Therefore, move on and let go.

airtemples-deactivated20140220

#that’s a fucking deep dentist visit

sonicroft-deactivated20130617

is your dentist also your therapist?

peetatoast-blog

Your dentist should quit being a dentist and become a philosopher

killerkanye

my dentist just tells me i need to floss more

tygaryen

Let’s start with a smile.

Smile.

bbshopmom-deactivated20210314

Best caption ever

mamalazzer

Shut up, Seamus.

Abusing Snapchat

#snaphat #anastasia #what is wrong with me #best filter #once upon a december

trannysaurus--rex

When you invite me over for sex and there are other people in the house.

frenchkissthepvssy

LMFAO

theslaybymic

Watch: 100 years of facial hair in 2 minutes is distracting mesmerizing educational.

breebunn-deactivated20180414

i’d like to marry this man thanks

lolsomeone-actually

I didn’t see the last one on the one I te logged LORDT JEJUS

clarabeau

Ladies, I am holding out my hand. Do you trust me?

I need you to open Google Maps. Locate your nearest mall. Get in your car. Drive to Yankee Candle.

Past the seasonal pumpkin display, near the back of the store, you will find a trash pile Man Candle section. You will see candles called MMM, Bacon!. Riding Mower. Man Town. (I’m not kidding. Man Town.) Stay strong. Not in this section, but likely very near this section, you will find a candle called Mountain Lodge.

Hold this jar in your hands like a talisman. Close your eyes and picture a man.

I want to be clear: I’m not talking about a Hugh Dancy. Or an Andrew Garfield, a Ben Whishaw, even a Tom Hiddleston. This exercise requires someone in the Chris Evans weight class. The Richard Armitage department. Someone with smile lines around his eyes who could chop the cedar for your bower with his own hands, strangle an alpha wolf, carry you home when you sprain your ankle in the woods, bench press your entire body. Picture this man in your mountain home with a full beard, a slightly grimy white henley, a fond half smile he reserves only for you. Now open the lid and smell Mountain Lodge.

Steady yourself on the man candle display. Give yourself a second. No, you’re not wrong. Yes, the Yankee Candle Company has just eliminated the need for men. This medium tumbler Mountain Lodge candle jar is now your boyfriend. The Yankee Candle Company has effectively replaced the need for contact with the male half of our species with a compact and clean-burning candle in a jar.

“Do you like this one?” the cashier asked, ringing me up. “Every man should be required by law to smell like what this candle smells like,” I replied intensely. “That’ll be $12.01,” she said.

MOUNTAIN LODGE

stepone

it literally smells like waking up on a cold night to find a bearded richard armitage adding another quilt to the bed before he gets back in and pulls you snugly against his chest

I’m not fucking around I feel like I should be watching chris hemsworth in flannel and suspenders whittling a delicate masterpiece in front of a fireplace rn

blackberrycreek

All right, Tumblr, I saw this post a few months ago and immediately realized I had to smell this candle. I have never in my life experienced such a burning need (pun intended) to smell what the Yankee Candle website described as a warm aroma of cedarwood and sage, but what Tumblr described as my new boyfriend.

The trouble is that nearest Yankee Candle Company store was a bit of a trek, and my schedule tended to prohibit this olfactory adventure.

So for the last few weeks, as I’d scroll my Tumblr dash and look at images of attractive manly men, I’d sigh and wistfully think, if only I could engage another sense with this image. If only I could I could truly fathom the ideal fragrance of this man.

And then this happened.

And I knew.

I knew whatever was happening, I needed to get to a Yankee Candle Company. The scent of Mountain Lodge would transport me instantly to this scene. The aroma of this infamous candle could make me live out a self-insertion Avengers fanfic.

So I got in my car, made the drive, and located the Yankee Candle Company. The store was crowded with holiday shoppers. My nose was immediately assaulted by hundreds of warring scents.

I battled through the sea of humanity and the Angel Wings-Merry Marshmallow-Magical Frosted Forest assault, buoyed on by my need to understand what Steve Rogers ripping a log in half with his bare hands smelled like.

I waded toward the back of the store, only to discover the man candle section seems to have been discontinued. What was I going to steady myself on, once I found my scented gateway to hanging out with the Avengers on Hawkeye’s farm? I felt lost, adrift, unable to find my bearings amid Soft Blanket-Fluffy Towels-Home Sweet Home.

And then… rising from the “Fresh” display, there it was.

Mountain Lodge.

It was the moment of truth. What would it be like to smell this infamous candle?

I opened the lid. I took a deep breath.

And I giggled.

Ah yes. This was it. This gentle, pleasantly masculine fragrance, in fact, reduced me to what I’d probably do in the actual presence of Chris Evans: giggle like an idiot.

The smell makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me gently swoon: all reactions that, indeed, can be elicited by an ideal man. I can barely handle the true power of Mountain Lodge.

Several months have passed since this discovery. I have regaled friends with the saga, and after hearing of it, they, too, felt the burning need to smell the candle. One by one, we have all become Mountain Lodge converts. In times of need, this candle is our refuge. Our group has developed escapist superpowers, infused by the Yankee Candle Company.

THE CANDLE, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND.

MOUNTAIN LODGE.

madame-vashtranerada

This is how you do advertisement

theyankeecandle

we love everything about all of this. We will always be there for you, just light your Mountain Lodge candle and know that our love burns bright for you.

clarabeau

The official Yankee Candle™ tumblr account has recognized the Mountain Lodge mythos. My work on the material plane is finally complete. A being of pure light, I slowly ascend to the aether.