GIFs belong to: @sophia-becketts ‼️‼️
I want to talk about what this scene meant to me.
As a former bizarre and awkward girl, it’s safe to say that fitting in was quite the challenge when I was younger.
One of the most frustrating things I’ve ever heard directed at me was the whole ‘you never care what anyone thinks’, ‘you do things your own way’, or, heaven forbid, the ‘we didn’t think you’d want to go, that’s why we didn’t ask you.’
And yeah, I’ve absolutely been deliberately excluded from events before, which hurts in its own way; but what’s worse is when it’s not even done with the intent of being cruel, but with a firm conviction that suggests they feel absolutely sure of your character, despite having it so very wrong.
The scene speaks to the experience of being fundamentally misunderstood by those around you. Despite feeling that your behaviour is literally screaming unhappiness, they remain oblivious because they simply aren’t looking for it; which is actually fair enough in many cases. Everyone has stuff going on and sometimes it really does take you outright asking for help for them to realise. But sometimes, and in Mary’s case, you just don’t know how to broach the subject.
It would have seemed inconceivable to do away with the carefully and tediously built walls Mary had put up, out of necessity to protect herself. Her feigned indifference was her last line of defence, and to shatter that, would’ve blown apart the illusion of detached nonchalance she’d curated, leaving the pitiful reality of her desire to be included out in the open for her mother and sisters to take advantage of, and to judge her for.
And gee whiz I know the feeling of wanting all those squishy, ‘weak’ and hungry emotions to be invisible to all but you. The constant mantras of ‘I don’t care’, ‘I wouldn’t have enjoyed that’, ‘I’m glad not to be there’ seem to work in warding off eyes that often look past you anyways. But I found, however small, there was always a part of me that desperately wanted to be seen, heard and noticed in this. Though, each outcome seems as bad as the other. So I don’t know really, is what I’m getting at.
But had Mary concealed all that want so convincingly? Or was nobody really looking? Not even touching on being Mary being bullied and berated, but just the idea that even her loving sister Elizabeth had such a poor read on her- this character, (Mary), that to us, the viewers, seems so outwardly sensitive and in touch with the feelings of others- before London, almost never had an attentive hand extended to her the same way in which she offered it.
There is something so very cathartic in Marys admission that yes, she did care. She had always cared. She had wanted to be included, actually. She had wanted to be asked, to be affectionately chided and dragged away from her books now and again to just be a GIRL with her sisters.
But she didn’t know how to go about it. And she was ashamed.
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