of growing apart and grieving friendships;
I watched a video/podcast that talked about the realities of losing friendships. Friendships expire and people grow apart and move on, and that’s simply normal because people change over time. That’s not to say not every friendship ends — I still have connections from childhood who, as we grow and change and embraced each others’ communication styles and whatnot, are still there and present. But the fact is that as we get older, a lot of those friendships will outgrow you, and you to them, but that’s not a negative thing.
Oftentimes blame will be placed, either on yourself or on the other. They didn’t do enough, I didn’t do enough, they abandoned me, I abandoned them, you think to yourself. But most of the time it’s neither of these things, no blame on both sides.
The truth is that when these friendships started, you were an entirely different person than you are now. You were in an entirely different season of life. You thought differently, did things differently, had different mutual expectations. And over the years, especially when you’re working on yourself (therapy or otherwise) you eventually shed that skin of who you once were — and people who began friendships with you when you were that old version of yourself can no longer hold the same expectations, and vice versa. And that’s okay.
And this is something I’m learning to embrace: friendships fizzling out is not because you did anything wrong or they did. You were not entirely right, and they were not entirely wrong. And it’s okay to move on from friendships that aren’t active anymore. It’s okay to not force old friendships to work anymore.
You will not vibe with people the same way you did before. And it’s okay to invest in other humans or new friendships that do. And that’s not to say friendships/people are disposable! Absolutely not. Friendships and connections were special in the seasons/durations they were meant to exist. It’s important to embrace the fact that not every friendship will last forever. So it’s okay to invest in new friendships and not feel bad about letting go of old ones.
And, of course, there are instances in which there are mistakes or mess-ups or this or that: maybe it is true that I could’ve been a better friend, that I could’ve checked in more, said yes to invites more, that I could’ve said this or that. Maybe, too, it’s true that they could’ve reached out more, invited you more, said this or that during that season. But sometimes it comes to a point where you just have to accept that these things have happened, or didn’t happen, and that it’s too far gone to try to revive it. And, again, that’s okay, too.
Personally, I’ve been a people-pleaser for many years of my life, and I’ve been learning to… not be that. But I’m realizing a lot of my friendships in the past decade were forged when I was, well, that. I started friendships with many people. I’ve tried to keep ties with many people. But it wasn’t sustainable, and it caused me to give 5% to every friend, thinking I had to hold onto those by a string. What I’ve had to do is let all of those flutter away so that I could give more to a very, very select few.
I’m not gonna lie and say that it’s been easy. It’s been really fucking depressing to have to let go of friendships, to sit with the reality that friendships aren’t the same that they once were, that old friends have moved on from you and that you have moved on from them. But if grieving through the reality of losing friendships means that it opens space for you to invest in the few life-giving friendships between people who have embraced every version of you as you change, and who you’ve also been able to embrace and grow alongside, then it’s worth it.
Open your heart to new friendships.
And embrace the friends/loved ones that have lasted and withstood, who still celebrate and cry with and choose you.
