SW: 356 CW: 268 -88lbs UGW: 180

[akomwtofit-deactivated20210413]

I have check ins with my coach/trainer every Wednesday and today was a rough one- I made the almighty mistake of stepping on the scale, started to do the usual self loathing and had a mini freak out on FaceTime with her. So once she talked me down from my crisis i reflected on what good the additional food/heavier weight has been doing for me and here is my list of non scale mini victories:

I feel more solid

I see the tiny little muscles growing.

I don’t feel as tired anymore

Sleep better

More positive

Brighter

All in all I will not use the scale as a determination of how my fitness journey is going. It’s such a fickle number and changes legitimately daily.

[operation180lbs]

I was craving chips immediately after having a bagel and two vegetarian sausage patties for breakfast. I realized that I was really annoyed with an a little frightened by the meeting we had at work right before lunch. A lot of changes are happening and I fear losing my job or not having enough money.

I tend to self sabotage. I believe if I’m heavier can people are jacked me it’s because of my body and not because of myself. That isn’t always true but that’s my safety net.

A & I were at a shop with N. She was eyeing a size medium pair of overalls and A kept asking her if she thought those would fit. N is my size if not bigger she’s at least an XL. I’m shocked when I meet women who aren’t hyper aware of their body. I forget the way I was raised wasn’t normal

[operation180lbs]

Tuesday October 20, 2020

That was the longest month after my birthday

[bbfromhell]

i luv the color black…and the color pink...and coffins...and valentines day..and strawberries and horror movies and Halloween and bunnies and cherries and sparkles and glitter and perfume that smells super sweet and skulls and chocolate shaped like hearts and bats and

[sheismadeofsunlight]

~No reblogs, comments, or any other interactions from nazis, misogynists, racists, etc. Your interaction nor presence isn’t welcomed here.~

[operation180lbs]

My Dad (of all people) pointed out that A’s family likes me because I’m more ambitious, creative, and better looking than his ex girlfriends. I’ve never felt threatened by his ex girlfriends looks only by their connection.

I turned 30 exactly a month ago and I’ve noticed I’ve felt increasingly insecure since then. I don’t know why because I’ve actually been looking forward to the end of my twenties. The weight gain, the isolation, and worrying A will never marry me (something I never worried about with any of my exes!) are all weighing heavy on me. I know this isn’t forever but it is for now and now is really, really hard.

[operation180lbs]

I’ll creep on my exes or A’s exes page occasionally and I’m envious of the pictures they post and the fun they appear to be having. Honestly though a couple years back when I was posting the most photos and going out almost every night I was fucking miserable.

[letsrecover]

When someone “fears recovery”

Very often, when people with eating disorders fear recovery, it is not really about the fear of weight gain, or the fear of foods. They might make it to be about that, both to others and to themselves, but truth is, it is often not that simple. It is a fear of losing your identity. You might feel as though you’ve become your struggle, and if your eating disorder left you thin, you might feel being “the thin one” is your identity or purpose. It is a fear of the expectations from others, and society, that comes when you are no longer ill (or “visibly ill”). Now you have to face the world, and you can no longer blame your illness. It is a fear of losing your coping mechanisms. An eating disorder is often a tool to deal with whatever curveball life has thrown at you. It is a fear of letting go of the stability and safety of eating disorder. All these rules and restriction might have given you a sense of predictability. Recovery is messy and unpredictable. But truth is, if something is trying to kill you it is not safe. If something leaves you miserable in the long run, it is not a healthy way to cope. If something leaves you isolated and unable to live a normal, rewarding life, it is not sustainable.  Our worst enemies are the ones disguised as helpful friends. Please do not let the lies of an eating disorder seduce you to death.

[tinypinprick]

Hello I was weirdly craving a chocolate bar, specifically an oh Henry bar which I have never even had ??? And when I got to the store it was the biggest chocolate bar with more calories than the others and I freaked out but then I bought it anyways and I let myself eat it because fuck an Ed and life is too short

[operation180lbs]

Yes! We love to see it!

[freckledintrovert]

lol screw my ed this bagel was GLORIOUS and i loved and deserved every bite of it

[operation180lbs]

Proud of you!!

[tinypinprick]

When I get mad at myself / feel guilty for eating food I’m just like ‘bro u really gonna be mad that you ate a grape? Chillax bro’ anyways have a nice night you are allowed to eat and food is not the enemy.

[heavyweightheart]

i’ll say again that the reason i have a veritable obsession w fatphobia is that people with eating disorders (the deadliest mental illnesses) cannot recover within a fatphobic framework. it doesn’t work. we must relinquish our attempts to control our weight entirely if we want to be free of the disorder. 

the clinicians, researchers, and health officials who fear fat and attempt to keep eating disorder sufferers weight suppressed - recovered, but not too much! - are killing us. if i hear about another friend who’s relapsed bc her team told her she was heavy enough now, i’m gonna lose my mind.

the fear of body fat has no place in this world and especially not in the treatment of people who already have a deadly fear of food and weight gain. clinicians cannot fear the same things as the eating disorder they’re supposed to be treating. if they do, and they shape their “treatment” around that, they should lose their licenses for so egregiously violating their professional commitment to first do no harm.

if you would rather see a client anorexic than fat, get the hell out of the field.

[dailycallog-blog]

Fear foods are weird. A small amount of chocolate or ice cream to bring my sugars up? Not a problem. One single grain of rice? Death is upon me. Save yourself before I explode exponentially. 

[champagnemoon]

Take up space!

[textsfromtheborderline]

[jadorexjaii]

Oh okay

[amynchan]

It’s… in words…

[companionsofusall]

[id: graphic converting codependent thoughts into boudary-led thoughts.

1. codependent thought: I see you are mad and it must be my fault. boundary-led thought: I see that you are mad, do you need to talk later?

2. codependent thought: I will help you now (and wrestle with my needs resentments and exhaustion later). boundary-led thought: I want to help you, but I have limits.

3. codependent thought: How can I fix or save you? boundary-led thought: I will sit in this discomfort with you.

4. codependent thought: I don’t want to risk losing or upsetting you, so I’ll stuff my feelings. boundary-led thought: I can still respect your feelings, and still honor my own.

end id]

[good-nyborg]

Long term struggle can become habitual and automatic. When the struggle is overcome there is often an intense unconscious drive to sabotage success in order to have the familiar sensation of struggle in ones life. One must be aware of this after obtaining long term goals.

[mimis-memes-meme]

5am me to 1am me

[kennyissadagain]

me: *purposely tries to trigger self and fill myself with even more rage by looking up my abusers*

also me: “oh my god i just want to stop being a victim. i don’t want to remember it. i want to get better”