Uncomfortable

Conversations in all the relationships in my (social, love, family, team) life.

[optiemystic-blog]

Dear Nick (ex-love of my life)

Thank you for breaking my heart. You did me a huge favor that day. I wouldn't have met my the real love of my life if you hadn't.

When you broke my heart the best way I can describe it was like a slap in the face. I started off feeling hurt and embarrassed. Second i felt betrayed. Third and last i accepted it and am now grateful of the slap that brought me around, the awaking slap if you will.

When you hurt me i was so embarrassed. I was planning my life to be with you. When i finished school I was going to join you where you were in the military. In my head there was no way you were gonna dump me (I was so naive post-awakening slap). So when i told my family and friends you dumped me I didn't even really talk about it with anyone. I just told them we were not together anymore.

6 months after that you got married! I couldn't believe it. In my head it was too soon. So then I realized it was one of two things. One you were talking to her while we were together. Or two you didn't really love me. Either way i felt so betrayed by someone i had trusted with my life, my heart and my dreams.

9 months ago (its been four years since I really talked to you) I met the real love of my life. I can picture him the first time we met. It was like he was glowing. I realize now he is the one I’m am suppose to be with. If he ever “slapped me” I don't think I could love again. Take that risk of opening myself up again? no I couldn't do it.

So thank you Nick for your awaking slap. I have realized a few things about myself over the last 4 years. I am not so naive about love and my future. I am more grounded, which unfortunately for my boyfriend leaves me less romantic. I am more guarded when i meet new people. I am nervous that the real love of my life will stop loving me one day (hes going on tour and our relationship will be 2 months of long distance..and he gonna be around alot of hot girls with the same music taste...ugh! Girl, your insecurities are showing). I also realized that I gave you the title the love of my life to soon. I was too young. I was not the same person D am now.

Don’t get too cocky like you always do. You didn't build me into the person i am today. you just helped me realize some flaws.

Thank you for the Awakening slap,

With no love,

The ex i know you miss

[optiemystic-blog]

Never

I've always considered suicide. I can't do it though. I always feel guilty. I picture everything down to the detail. Somtimes I dream it.

[optiemystic-blog]

Why can't i

Why can't I be the one to end it? Guilt. Why can't I let someone in and not get hurt? I'm weak. Why can't they just be honest? They are weak. If you don't wanna be with someone. Do them a favor and end it. They already know it's comming and they are continously hurting.

[optiemystic-blog]

Dear Regan,

You have been one of the most consistent people in my lif. I have never questioned your loyalty, love or intentions. You are a strong, indepented and confident. Also our hummor just matches up. I just wanted you to know how great full I am that you are my best friend and I love you. Your best friend. You are beautiful.

[optiemystic-blog]

Honestly

I miss my boyfriend but I can't tell him. Cause he wants space but still wants to talk to me. But doesn't really talk to me. It all hurts. This is why I told him I didn't want a serious relationship.

[optiemystic-blog]

What are the terms?

My boyfriend told me I need space. Over text. Of course I flipped out, but I calmly asked him questions. About why are you doing this? Did I do somthing wrong? Do you care about me? Do you want to see other people? Do you want to be with me? To wich of most he told me I don't know. I got 2 things from the conversation. 1. He cares about me too. 2. He feels overwhelmed. He bought a new house when we made things offical. And it's just been somthing every weekend that he has had to deal with. He is having some bad days at work and is a little unhappy there. We spent the weekend together and we had a good time. It was like nothing happened. I finally talked to him about it in person today. He told me he just needs a couple days to have some him time. He feels like he is going to snap and he doesn't wanna do that to me. It all clicked for me. He spends all his free time with me or doing somthing. And I get alone time more often. So I said okay... It stings. Even though I understand it still hurts. I'm also insecure about our relationship now. I don't want to be hurt for being understanding. I also don't want to come across week. I don't NEED him in my life. I WANT him in my life. I'm falling for him and then he says all this. Ouch.

[optiemystic-blog]

Yeah I love my job

I've had plenty of jobs. I'm what someone would call a job hopper. I've been working for a photographer for a few years now (I don't love that). I have worked in a call center, retail, sales, customer service, photographer, poser, cashier, secretary, data entry, door to door sales, hostess, coaching, food prep ,child care, I've made clothes, packaging; but I've never worked in a loading dock or a wearhouse. Currently I am working 4 jobs: 1) a gormet marshmallow place- I help decorate the marshmallows, cashier, makes smores, coffee drinks, sales. I work every few months maybe a few shifts. I like it. Not good money for me. But it's fun. A few days of work is worth it. 2) a buffet- Chinese food, seafood, and sushi, we also have a hibachi. I serve, hostess, and bus tables. I got hired to serve and I was enjoying it. Then they decided they needed me to hostess.....because I spoke better English then the owners and 75% of the staff. All of who are amazing talented people. The food is good. It's mostly clean. But I feel used everytime I go to work. 3)a photographer- we do large scale photography on a green screen. Ex: a sports league. The kids come up take 2 pictures on the green screen and get placed.in a team photo. So there is no traditional team photo..it's genius! I'm the only "full time" employee. We work mostly seasonally. So a few months in fall, a few months in winter and a few months in spring. Mostly summers off. I almost 40 hours each week during theese months. Also for little pay. But I'm loyal to the owner and keep doing this job hoping that he will start paying me more. 4) a tavern and grill- I'm a server. I take orders, serve, pre buss, do regular serving side work (roll silverwear, re stock, clean your tables). I LOVE this job. I'm make good money for the right ammount of work. It's like sales but there is no pressure for people to buy.....cause they already plan on buying somthing.....and if you can talk to people and use common sense then your "comission" will be fantastic. If you suck at those things then you probably hate you job and should move in to retail or a call center. People shouldn't look down on servers. They work harder then most people see. If you go to a nice resteraunt on a Sunday or monday (a slow day) the serve had probably made 100+ that day....on a 5 hour shift. That's not everyday sometime people just don't wanna eat and they only make 50$. After tip out and that sucks but they probably work a busy day and more than make up for it. But that also not including a minimal hourly. I'm quiting the buffet. The marshmallow place is just for fun. At some point I have to tell the photographer (who is a close friend) that I can't work for him because I love serving and make way more money then what I'm doing for him. I'm tired of working all the time. I'd love to only work 5 shifts a week ( about 25 hours a week) and make the same as a full time job. But also go to cosmotology school. This is my end goal. I've told my parents this. They don't like it. They want me to get a baclors degree in buisness. But they wanna see me happy.

[optiemystic-blog]

When your at the register.

So I'm driving my happy ass to get an inhaler for this breathing problem I've been having. The doctor said it would only be about 4$...I only have 5$ to my name. I get to the pharmacy ready to pick it up so I can have it in time for practice tonight. Guess what...it's 30$ so I have to tell the pharmacist I can't pay for and I'll be back later. I've been struggling the last 3 weeks to pay for my bills. I've also worked 14 days in a row. Sometimes doubles. So I know that the money will work out...but I guess I won't brethe at practice again tonight.

[optiemystic-blog]

So I almost passed out

I told them it's like I'm having a panic attack. So I sat out for the rest of practice. I went to the dr cause it continued the next day and they told me it could be 1 of two things 1) it's a blood clot in my lung 2) it could be pneumonia They said take it easy at practice. For the flowing week I have to tell my captain that I'm being a week ass because of these things happening in my lungs. She gives me a look...you know the one. And my heart races and I get really nervous. She says "you better keep me informed after you see the dr." The next day I find out its neither but that my lungs are functioning 55% below where they should be. But it's reatable. I text my captain and tell her what's up. She seems relived. My captain is worried that I'm scared to play. It's so not ture. I've never wanted anything more. But I can tell she respects the hard work I've put it. Just another uncomfortable conversation in a relationship.

[optiemystic-blog]

An uncomfortable conversation

I’m ecstatic that you are comfortable enough in our relationship to tell me that your ex is texting you saying “come cuddle with me.”

I’m disappointed that you didn’t tell her that we were together. I’m hurt that you were more worried telling her and ruining her trip; than how I might feel about it.

I love telling people that “I have a fantastic boyfriend.” If I had a good friendship with an ex then I would hope that they would be happy for me and continue to be my friend. If they didn’t then why would I stay friends with that person?

If they had any respect for our relationship I would hope that they would say "then maybe it’s better if we don’t talk. I still have feels for you and it feels to much (Feels could be any or all of the following: anger, lust, love, jealous, envious, or any other feeling you can think of)."

I seem hard and closed off but it’s only cause I’m so sensitive that I have to dial everything down first and then understand how I feel and why so I can talk to you about it.

My teammate told me: “relationships are a series of uncomfortable conversations”

I hope this will be the first of many.