i need a nap

alex but even dumber somehow

[optimisticcretin]

@aritany but STUPIDT

that’s all

[reasonandfaithinharmony]

…and the vet was like, “You know the thing with geriatric cats is—” and I was like, “What do you mean, geriatric?! It’s a little baby, look at her!" Kumail Nanjiani: Night Thoughts (2025)

[todaysbird]

i think this is…actually the most extreme stupid dove nest I’ve seen.

video

[kaiapraxidike]

[tartrazeen]

Imagine you're coming home after a long day of hunting, and the first thing you hear is your seven shitty kids screeching at you for no reason, how pissed off would you be, I'd immediately fly away too

Imagine you're the oldest of seven and a fucking HOA member broke into your HOUSE and SHIT AN EGG and is BITING at your siblings, but your dad shows so you try to tell him the problem but you're very little and you don't speak English and he doesn't speak English either so you can't communicate that a fucking GOBLIN is in your HOUSE and the only reason he doesn't know is cause his ASS was on that bitch's HEAD and he must've assumed it was one of your brothers and sisters but it was actually that FREAK WOMAN who got in, and now your dad is flying away 'cause he has no idea what's going on

Imagine you're a parent and you've calmed down and gone to get McDonald's for your seven kids, and you come home expecting to get cheers because you know the D's are always a winner, but when you fly back in through the door the kids are all still screaming, and it's not even excited screams but you don't know what's wrong so you just look into the camera like you're Jim from the Office

Imagine you're one of the small middle children and probably the one that this HOA WITCH was BITING after she broke into YOUR HOUSE and SHIT an EGG and you tried to be a good host by cuddling with her to congratulate her on her egg but then she started BITING and taking over your ROOM and threw out all your GOOSEBUMPS books and your eldest sibling couldn't call dad so you all just had to wait, and then dad comes home but your STUPID FAMILY won't stop SCREECHING to explain what's going on so your dad leaves but then comes back and he's brought McDonald's which is like yay but there is an INTRUDER, and finally your dad looks around the house and notices BITCH BIRD KAREN IN YOUR BEAN BAG CHAIR, and you're like ok dad can handle this but then you learn he's more scared than you?????

Imagine you're a dad and you just got home with McDonald's and WHO THE FUCK IS THAT IN MY HOUSE but luckily you have seven children and the mean one is willing to fight this bitch and you're just gonna chill in this corner until this problem is resolved even if your other kids are straight-up judging you

Imagine you're Kevin McCallister and you're doing Home Alone except you're not home alone 'cause your dad is home too but he's not helping, he's just holding a bag of McDonald's, so you have to be the head of this house at eight years old 'cause you're home alone emotionally but this FREAK ON AN EGG isn't leaving so you decide to screech at your dad and he's more scared of you than she is

Imagine you're a dad and your child has publicly shamed you in front of your other kids and this ASSHOLE KAREN and you decide you're not gonna take this shit anymore so you tell your kids that you paid for this McDonald's with your hard-earned bird money and they're gonna damn well eat this, so everybody stop looking at that side of the house and just eat your fucking french fries but then that fucking MONSTER starts BITING your only child willing to go into battle so you recognize this is a lost cause and throw the burgers on the counter and you remember you're an ADULT so you grab your car keys and fly the fuck away

Imagine you're all seven children and dad left you with the pigeon again

[sedoretu]

wore a cowboy costume to the gay bar and went home with a guy dressed as a gladiator and it was really fun but the whole time i couldnt stop thinking about how we looked like those two queens from night at the museum

[intactics]

ham and sneeze sandwich

[davidfosterwallaceandgromit]

[dragongirlsweetie]

lays a 136 GB egg in your hard drive. and you can't delete it because i'm an endangered species

[contemptible-scoundrel]

I would be such a good ninja Im even extraordinarily quiet of step due to my unfortunate relationship with my parents

[candytwist-deactivated20231123]

all good novelists realize they’re nothing compared to musicians. and all good musicians realize they’re nothing compared to novelists

[pjackk]

ALL good novelests and musicicans realize their nothing compared to porno Dvd's

[candytwist-deactivated20231123]

do you jack off ?

[pjackk]

Im not feeling good at all right now i need help badly

[kouha]

Best customer I’ve ever had was when some rich white cape cod lady in a floor length fur coat came into my store and asked her daughters what sweated pants were and how to wear them and her daughters kept trying to explain what sweat pants were to her and she was completely and utterly flummoxed by them

[kouha]

She asked if sweat pants are bisexual and her daughter was like “unisex?” and she was like “sure”

[kleinergeist]

Oh, so when YOU grab a Danish for a quick snack, it's a guilt-free, tasty little treat. But when I, Grendel,

[silverskulltula]

listen hobbit pussy could be mediocre (doubtful) but even if it was it's still followed by a 17 course homecooked meal and the kind of weed that would make sauron scared. lithe beautiful immortal elven pussy has no power compared to the simple, hardworking hobbit. and it goes without saying that you cannot handle dwarven pussy.

[gayweeddaddy69]

you know her bush is adorned with elaborate braids representing a long family tradition of training a grip that could deglove your member if she so chose

[gayweeddaddy69]

dwarf pussy could shuck your foreskin off like a corn husk

[infectiouspiss]

you’re all ‘ohh i love hole’ but now when i’m about to throw you in this bottomless pit (which is a form of hole btw) you’re all ‘please spare me’ fucking hypocrite

[dailycatsblog]

[inbabylontheywept]

sometimes my wife will come to me with a piece of food and explain it like its a james bond mission. like

"there is a piece of gouda on the counter downstairs. it has been left out overnight. i cannot bring myself to trust it and thus will be throwing it away in 20-30 minutes. but if something were to happen and the cheese were to go missing, i would not question it."

and then she will go. and then the cheese will go missing. and she will not question it.

[inbabylontheywept]

please dont eat your dad. he has been out of the fridge for god knows how many decades and is full of microplastics. i know i set a bad example with the gouda thing but food safety is important.

[knightofleo]

[herpsandbirds]

Common eider

[phynoma]

This needs to be immortalized because it's what made me turn on the sound. And they were right

[clonerightsagenda]

When I was at the natural history museum, the fossil section had stickers on the glass to engage children - things like "Flap your arms like a pterodactyl" or "Measure your hand against the mosasaurus." However the first of these I encountered, which I found alarming and threatening without context, was a sticker reading "Struggle like you are stuck in a tar pit"

[clonerightsagenda]

I feel like more bright colors, an exclamation mark, or a more whimsical font choice would've also helped here to indicate that it is a Fun Activity For Children. Instead it felt like getting instructed in my inevitable fate by a road sign

[silly-signs]

Official silly sign

[astraldemise]

looks at you

[astraldemise]

looks at you

[syn4k]

@bettsplendens i'd just like you to know that this is my favorite comment on this post and i'd like it to be memorialized