(Warning: Long and preachy, Youâve been warned)
[TL;DR Iâm happy Iâm single now, and I may not have been the best person back then for sure. However, Iâm happy now and I wouldnât trade it for the world!]
Not a lot of people know this about me, well unless youâre good friends with me but for the first quarter of my whole existence I was hell bent on..
3) Having kids and raising a good family
So American Dream in a sense, right?
Anyway, I was a bundle of hormones through out my whole teen years and I ended up with this girl I fell in love with online. I canât remember us having a lot in common, but one thing was for certain. I was in mad love with this girl.
Being online and long distance however, we had our ups and downs. We had fights, we argued, and we did some arguably âcringeyâ stuff being newly made adults/teenagers. Let it be known that I wasnât expected to pay for my flight out there, In fact I made it a point to be the main provider and take care of this girl for years to come. I had my fair share of stress trying to find work, while at the same time debating on whether I should put everything into my channel on Twitch and YouTube and see if I would have more luck there. Mainly because I didnât have a license to drive and I was stuck to walking distance work places or lifts.
Let it be said though that I was trying for months and came out with nothing before I really started to consider trying the whole âYouTubeâ and âTwitchâ full time deal before I got myself any steady work. It really did seem like my best bet at the time.
Anyhow, she wasnât really supportive of my decision for obvious reasons and we constantly had arguments over this. I would remember times where she said..
âItâs never going to work.â
âYouâre better off getting a REAL jobâ
Usual banter and all, but something didnât want me to let up. I kept pursuing it in the meantime as well while I kept on looking for part time work so I can do both. I wanted to be internet famous really badly, and used that drive to push me forward. I wanted to have my dream job of playing video games for a living and have a beautiful girlfriend who I loved as well in the mean time.
She started to look for work in the mean time though, while I found work as a cashier and I got a taste of what the real work life was like.
I hated it every day I was there, and I didnât want anything to do with anyone. I was putting on a fake dinky smile and a stupid button up and apron with a clip on tie. Working in line as a tool. So long story short, It sucked.
It didnât help that I couldnât get any emotional support from my girlfriend either, she always seemed too tired to talk for some reason at that point. I was miserable and wanted some words of encouragement at the very least to help keep me going.
Yeah, I was that sad back then.
I was so miserable, that I ended up quitting and keeping away from everyone except my girlfriend.
I became a NEET ( "Not in Education, Employment, or Training")Â for months on end when I just sat at my desk and played whatever I wanted on my PC. I was a slob.
She would vacate her frustrations at me at random times, which led to arguments, which led to loss of sleep, which then led to more arguing. I had to keep in touch with her constantly on what I was doing because we then ran into trust issues and I couldnât leave the house without telling her what exactly I was doing. I was stressed to hell texting her every few minutes, because if I were to forget texting her back weâd get into yet another argument. How we stayed together for 3-4 years is beyond my knowledge.
Surprisingly she left me. Yeah, real surprise there huh?
Suffice it to say, I was depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts. She was in a way all I really had left since the lack of support for things like my channel and such came to a halt. All of it being just bitter sweet dreams and such.
Yet for some fucking dumb reason, I got her back!
Fixed everything, I shaved my lovely beard, went out for applications for jobs I didnât wanna do and in like 4 more months we broke up again.
Anyway, I was again depressed but not as bad as before. I was strong enough to try and move on. Yet, for some reason after that I tried to get back into dating 6 months later.Â
I dated a girl I used to go to school with, it was fun actually and I enjoyed my time with her. I was disappointed she dumped me at the end but I wasnât upset either.Â
This kept up until I decided to lose my virginity via Tinder, and then everything just went..White. I canât describe it, I didnât enjoy it, and I wasnât into the idea of doing it again with another person. I hated the idea of it, even with the same gender so Iâm not gay I think.
I told my girlfriend at the time before we broke up (girl from earlier in this story) that I would never love anyone ever again, if it wasnât her. So, I guess in a way from all the emotional torment and the stress my subconscious made the good feelings apparent with being in a relationship coupled with all the crap I went through with this girl. So I suppose itâs something mental, but Iâm not a doctor so I canât explain it like that..but itâs a theory and Iâll leave it at that.
From that point onward though, I focused to be a better person. Iâm more sociable with my friends, Iâve gotten into card games again, Iâm going to college now (not this semester though because financial aid, ugh), and I got a part time job at a pizzeria where I actually like to work at now.Â
I have fun on the weekends with friends, I bitch about marriage being a scam, I love the idea of being single for the rest of my days, I spend money on what I wanna buy, I get all the new game releases on time, I get to stream on Twitch whenever I want to and have a blast fucking doing that! At the end of the day weâre by ourselves so what difference does it make? I donât need someone to validate my self worth, I AM MY OWN SELF WORTH.
Iâm a single man, and Iâm proud..
(Porn is cheaper anyway. <3)